Chinese dating customs

[abcdefg]

From #3 --

But I didn't know about putting food on his plate... Does this have a special meaning ? Like something you would only do with your boyfriend or someone you intend to date ?

That's not a "romantic" thing: it doesn't have "boyfriend/girlfriend" significance. It's just a "friendly" and "caring" thing to do. A hostess will often put choice bits of food into a guest's eating bowl.

(At least that's been my experience while living here in China.)

[Kenny同志]

To me, putting tasty food in someone's bowl during dinner demonstrates care more than friendliness. Usually, friends don't do that to each other.

[skylee]

I agree with abcdefg. I do this a lot (and so do my female bosses/co-workers) when we eat with our consultants/guests. It is just politeness. Our female (Irish/Australian) consultants also pour tea/coffee for other co-workers and it is nothing special. (hmm, now that I think about it, guys don't do this for their female co-workers. hmmm, but they do hold the doors.)

PS - wait ... but I am not sure what guys from the Mainland would think about these friendly gestures.

[xiaocai]

Girls do this more often than guys, I think. I just asked a few male friends and they said it would feel weird. They do not represent any other mainland males apart from themselves though.

[ansileran]

Wow, thanks for your insights !

So I might have missed something at dinner, because he kept putting food on my plate. I thought that it was just thoughtfulness : he knew this was my first time eating Wenzhou dishes and I had no idea of what they were. This is actually something I do when I'm eating with people who don't know the type of food we are eating, to get them to taste it.

But then again, during our language exchange meetings, Chinese (more often guys than girls actually) often offer us to taste whatever they are eating / drinking if we so much as ask what it is... I'll just ask him if it means something in particular for him (and expects me to do the same or not) because if I keep wondering about it, I'll end up "making knots with my brain" (this probably isn't the way to say it in English, just translated the saying from French as I feel it's quite explicit ^^)

[skylee]

I'll end up "making knots with my brain"

I suppose it means 鑽牛角尖, or 忐忑不安 or 心有千千結?

How nice it is for us to be playing 南宮夫人here.

[Sam Reeves]

Honestly Ansileran, if I want a girl to know I care for her a bit more than friends I put food in her bowl. It generally has a visible effect. Although as people have mentioned, it is actually fairly common, but only when people are trying to make an impression. Close friends don't generally bother doing it.

He probably likes you. But you might as well let him pay a few times. It is reasonable that you expect him to change somewhat, as he's in your country. Don't go down the path of trying to change your culture for his too much, as honestly with Chinese culture, that's never ending.

Dating is a bit unclear sometimes in China. Even when it is actually a 'date date', sometimes both or one of the parties involved acts like they don't know... even when they do know.

[ansileran]

"making knot with my brain" means thinking it over and over and over again, not coming to any conclusion... I don't know the expressions you used in Chinese so I can't confirm they have the same meaning...

The whole paying issue won't be as touchy in the future : he has a job now which pays just as well as mine. Last time we met, he was still a student, which made me feel really bad about it...

It's important that he learns French culture since he wants to live in France, but Chinese culture is "his" and I wouldn't ask him to give it up. Guess we will see where this leads us. I am opiniated enough and would never bow to some rule I can't stand (be they French, German, Chinese or whatever) unless they are "the law".

Thanks again for your help !

[Demonic_Duck]

The reason we met at first was actually for a language exchange, he needed help with French, and I need help with Chinese, so what's wrong with that ? I have been helping foreigners, guys and girls, with French for a long time. A pub is a convenient public place for this. And this type of language exchange is always one on one, with no other meaning.

Ah, in that case I take back what I said about considering those times as dates. Still, language exchanges between men and women are often very similar to what I would call "dates". Anyway, I'll back out of this thread now, as it seems the main issue is French vs. Chinese culture, neither of which I'm much qualified to talk about.

[ansileran]

@skylee :

I think the meaning would be more along 费尽心机, but I'm not sure whether this convene getting confused at the result as the French expression does.

[skylee]

Then 鑽牛角尖 is OK.

Good luck.

[Guest realmayo]

I think "dating" in America is different from the rest of the world. Or at least, from other English-speaking countries. I don't know if Americans realise this. It might have caused some confusion earlier in the topic.

I'm assuming the French "sortir" has the same usage as "to go out with someone" does in the UK.

I know no one in the UK who would use the verb "date".

[歐博思]

preface：bad experience lately

Chinese girls (boys too?) are so effing traditional. And at the same time progressive. Argh. This makes me want to scream and drop kick babies trying to read them.

[Lu]

I think "dating" in America is different from the rest of the world. Or at least, from other English-speaking countries. I don't know if Americans realise this.

Too true. And when dating internationally it can be hard to figure out which dating system the two of you are in. I never 'dated' back in Holland, we didn't really have that concept. By now I've dated (in whatever sense of the word) men from various countries in various countries and honestly I don't know what system I'm operating in or they are operating in anymore and what they or I should expect. It can get rather confusing.

Oufusi: Hence, take things slowly. I think I know what you mean.

Ansileran: If he insist on paying for the meal but you want to pay too, perhaps he can be convinced to let you pay for coffee/drinks/icecream afterwards?

[WestTexas]

I think "dating" in America is different from the rest of the world. Or at least, from other English-speaking countries. I don't know if Americans realise this.

what's the difference? I'm in China now and the expectations are different but I think the basic concept is the same. Americans are much more casual about it, but that's the only difference as far as I can tell.

[Guest realmayo]

Well, to be honest I don't know what the word really means. I don't know if I've ever "dated" or not. Is this definition accurate:

mainly US to regularly spend time with someone you have a romantic relationship with

They were dating for five years before they got married.

How long have you been dating Nicky?

[WestTexas]

To me, 'dating' means 'going on dates with'. If I am dating a girl, that girl is not necessarily my girlfriend. Also, for many, dating is not necessarily exclusive or monogamous. You can date more than one person and it's okay as long as the other parties don't find out. However, for some people it's basically the same as 'in a relationship with'. In fact, the term is not really well-defined.

They were dating for five years before they got married.

The word can have this meaning too, but generally when I say 'I'm dating someone' it basically means that I'm seeing a woman, who I may or may not be getting physical with, but that the relationship has not progressed to a more serious level.

[Guest realmayo]

It may not be well-defined but as a concept at least it's a big deal in the US, right? I don't think in the UK or by the sounds of it in the Netherlands or France, it really exists. Maybe 50 years ago. "To go out with someone" to me implies there's at least a bit of warm & wet activity going on. Cultural differences eh?

[abcdefg]

To me, putting tasty food in someone's bowl during dinner demonstrates care more than friendliness.

In thinking back now on the food sharing custom, I have to say that it does happen most when the Chinese friends I'm with are younger than me and it could be an expression of caring and respect. Also when I'm a guest in someone's home for a meal, the hostess usually does it too.

I pour tea for my guests when they visit me here my Kunming apartment, but I would do that in America as well.

[ansileran]

Thanks for all those replies !

Yes, the initial misunderstanding comes from the fact that "dating" as in "to go on a date with sb" (who doesn't have to be your gf/bf) simply doesn't exist in France. You either ask sb to be your gf/bf (then you can "date" the person) or say nothing and then it's just consider a friendly outing or sometimes an outing where you really try to convince the other person to become your gf/bf (usually only one evening, and you are very obvious about your intentions). I have absolutely no idea if there is a word for the last one in English, perhaps it's also "a date" ?

In fact, adults don't ask sb on a date here. "Would you like to be my girlfriend ?", which is perhaps the most accurate meaning of what that guy asked me, sounds very childish : it's something teenagers in junior highschool would ask (very cute by the way, took a nice trip down memory lane with that one).

Well, turns out he had no idea of the "French meaning" of his words. He is interested, we "went on a date" and nothing more so far (except a nice little "cultural talk"). Talked about it with some Chinese girls I know and apparently he is following what they believe to be the "proper way" to "court" (I use court here because this really looks like "courting" to me, rather than "dating") a foreigner. Reminds me of boooks boys used to read in junior high before going on their first date with their gf : "dating a girl 101" ^^

@Skylee : sorry, hadn't managed to check the first one (well, of course, tried to look for traditional Chinese in a simplified Chinese dictionary )

@Lu : we got the whole "paying" issue sorted : unless we are in a "Chinese setting" (restaurant, supermarket, pub) , I pay if I want to (even for both of us).

@欧博思 : most Chinese (boys and girls alike) here are very traditional too. Sometimes much more than they would be in China, especially if it is their parents who emigrated. China is changing fast, Chinese emigrants tend to stick to their culture (totally understandable in a foreign country) which remains frozen. There are however a few who are moderns. He is one of them