Chinese dating customs

[imron]

unless we are in a "Chinese setting" (restaurant, supermarket, pub)

Strike me intrigued. Are there many Chinese pubs in France?

[frankwall]

You can also talk to him about the topic, it might be an interesting conversation piece - the difference between French and Chinese dating etiquette. I'm sure he would be very happy to explain

[ansileran]

@imron : I wouldn't say "many". I know a few Chinese owned pub, where customers are mostly Chinese (except when we are having a French - Chinese lanugage exchange), menu is in Chinese and waitresses speak very little French. They are very localised, in "chinatown" parts of Paris (except one that is in the center of the city)...

@frankwall : might be interesting to see his reaction, but I doubt he would post here : he is VERY shy...

[simplet]

Hey ansileran do you have more information or some links about those French-Chinese exchanges? I'd be interested to know about it.

[ansileran]

Hi Simplet !

For French-Chinese exchanges, you can check :

- www.sharedtalk.com : it's a language exchange website, doesn't focus on French-Chinese but you can look for members of the language/country you are interested in. Some agree to meet, some only chat online

- http://polyglotclub.com/ : they organize meetings for people from different languages (again, not only French-Chinese). You can look for members online and contact them directly. If you are in Paris, they organize several meetings a week

- Amusica : it's a Chinese pub in Paris where meetings are held on Mondays (Polyglot), Tuesdays and Thursdays

- Zhong Fa You Yi : located in Paris too, they use facebook to organize meetings, activities... Can't tell you more about it because I don't use facebook myself so it's always friends who tell me "Hey ! We are doing <whatever> this weekend, want to come ?"

I think that you can look for language exchange groups on facebook too. There also used to be a forum on the "Chine nouvelle" website with a board specialized on language exchanges, don't know if it's still up (don't use Chine nouvelle's dictionary though, it's crap).

[simplet]

Thanks a lot ansileran I'll look into that!

I might run into you some day if I manage to go

[tamir302]

Hey guys,

I have a specific question about dating a Chinese girl, I hope this is the right place, as it does relevant to Chinese dating customs.

I met a Chinese girl in a party last weekend, her first time going to such a place. We exchanged QQ and phone numbers, and a few days later after some messaging she told me how fun it was to meet me and suggested we meet again. Actually, I was surprised she wanted to meet me alone, since that in the club we had company.

So this weekend we went to some park in the city, had launch and afterward aimlessly strolled in another park. What I find specially interesting is the fact that I think that the girl actually prepared for the meeting: she knew many things about my country that are not very known to Chinese people, like how our flag looks like (!) . Overall I really enjoined the day, and I think (or hope) she felt the same way. Immediately after we had said goodbye and she has arrived home, she text-ed me saying she had fun today, and that she hopes we can meet again (今天跟你玩得很开心，希望下次还有这样的机会啊）.

So obviously I asked her when does she has free time, but than she said she's really busy this week (she's a student), and that she can only meet next weekend (like almost two weeks after our date). Just when I thought she's trying to blow me off, she sent another text, saying we can go to that other place we have mentioned.

So finally after this long intro, here's the question: Do u guys think she's interested? Is it normal for a Chinese student to be that busy they can't spare a couple of hours to meet this weekend? Or is it a polite way to reject me? I'm quite confused...I should add that in a few months she's about to leave China for studying abroad, so this relationship doesn't suppose to last, anyway.

[anonymoose]

Is it normal for a Chinese student to be that busy they can't spare a couple of hours to meet this weekend? Or is it a polite way to reject me?

I can't answer your second question, but the answer to the first is quite possibly yes.

[gato]

Come on. Agreeing to a date in two weeks rather one week is not a rejection.

[WestTexas]

She obviously likes you bro. Chinese girls love going on park dates. U should kiss her the next time you see her.

[gougou]

U should kiss her the next time you see her.

That's ridiculous advice without knowing the girl. There are lots of Chinese girls (and also non-Chinese, for that matter) who would not enjoy being kissed the third time they meet a guy. From what tamir posted, it's not even clear whether she has a romantic interest in him.

[Lu]

Agreed to a date, prepared for the date, texted you to say she had fun, agreed to the next date, so far it sounds good. If she's going to reject you that will likely happen just before the next date, but from what you write here, it seems like things are going well. Just take it slowly, like you said she's going abroad so it's unlikely to get very serious. Just have fun and take care not to take things too far too fast for her.

[ZhangKaiRong]

Hey guys,

I also have a problem with Chinese dating customs... Like all the other stories, it also starts like I met a girl 5 weeks ago. She found me on 人人网, added me as a friend. Then I asked her who she was and how we knew each other, she replied me that she found me due to our two common friends. She gave me her QQ, we chatted a lot. She is my first Chinese friend who corrects my mistakes, my language skills improved a lot thanks to her, I finally got rid of most of my grammatic errors. On our first date I invited her to a restaurant to have lunch together. My 口语 and 听力 are not that good, so we had some communication problems. I was really embarassed, but she didn't really care about my not-so-good spoken Chinese, she helped me a lot. After that we kept chatting on QQ. On my birthday, she brought me present (a bracelet), we watched some romantic film together (非诚勿扰2), we also went out to have a walk on campus, she was really nice to me. She also took me to her 学校楼，she introduced me to her friends and classmates, she was blushed red when her classmate noticed that《 哎呀，他非常帅气呀！》

Last week she went back to her hometown, because her friend was getting married (she is 24, so she has friends at the right age for marrying). I thought that we would stop contacting for a while, but no... We sent about 300 text messages, QQd 3 or 4 hours every day, discussed various topics (including marriage and relationships). She was very worried when I told her I needed to go to the hospital to have my calf examined.

Today is her birthday, I was the first to send her the Happy birthday! message. She is coming back to university tomorrow, I bought some presents for her (some book to improve her English and a big box of Dove chocolate), and I also bring her to have 火锅 together.

But here my knowledge ends... I guess it is time to ask her the question about being together as a girlfriend and boyfriend, but I'm afraid of the answer. The main problem is that I'm currently in a small city. Before coming to China, I thought it will be very easy to contact with Chinese girls here due to the fact that the number of foreigners are really low, but God, it's actually really hard! The pretty girls:

1) have boyfriend

2) creepy as hell (most of the girls I met turned out to be really creepy)

3) are simply not interested in foreign males

So I feel like I'm really lucky I found this girl, and don't want to lose her due to a miscarried asking out.

I know that at the age of her, girls are under a lot of pressure from home. She will gradute next summer, after that she plans to start working in Beijing or Shanghai. I also know that when it comes to relationships, Chinese girls are like sharp-eyed hawks in order to find the best suitable male to have a future together. The problem is that I'm here for one year, after that I go back to my home country. But... at home, I have one semester left at university, I already have a good job at one of the big4 constulting companies, my work is related to China, so hopefully I will also spend a lot of time in Beijing and Shanghai. She knows this well, and she also knows that on the long term I plan to work in China/HK.

The only thing she doesn't know that I know that she is looking for a potential husband, and on that basis I feel that she thinks I can't fit the picture. Of course, I don't intend to get married in the forthcoming year, but on a 3-5 year term it's okay for me.

So, what do you think, do I have a chance? Or should I leave it? Even though the second option is getting more and more impossible, because I am totally into her

PS: Oh yeah, how can I get rid of the 剩女? They are really harassing me on QQ, they want to find a foreigner as a husband...

[gato]

Wow on the 剩女 question.

Let nature takes its course on the first question.

[ZhangKaiRong]

Well, it turned out, eventually. She rejected me, she didn't really explain why, just some ordinary women's BS in Chinese about "not being ready for it", "have other focus", "I am not the girl you are looking for", blablabla... But at least I experienced that these BS phrases are universal, they are in the women's genes.

I really don't know what should I do now, I wasted more than one month from my precious time here just to be heartbroken now. The most frustrating thing about dating in China is that if you screw up with a girl, you have to start over with another one, which takes an awful lot of time, and still no guarantee for success.

So, according to my experiences, a kind warning: guys who court Chinese women, don't think that 400+ text messages, hours and hours of QQ chatting, dinners and gifts mean something. They don't. They only mean friendzone.

[li3wei1]

The most frustrating thing about dating in China is that if you screw up with a girl, you have to start over with another one, which takes an awful lot of time, and still no guarantee for success.

I believe that's true of girls/women of any ethnicity. If there are any exceptions, where you can use your wasted time on girl #1 as 'credit' on girl #2, please let us know. ("Sorry, I've already been through this 'getting to know each other' stuff with someone else, can we move on to the fun part?")

At least it's hours of practice speaking, listening, reading and writing Chinese, that was probably more interesting than sitting in a classroom, possibly cheaper, and because of your emotional engagement, probably more effective.

[gougou]

I wasted

That's what it might feel like right now, but those are experiences you have to make at one point or another, and they too are a valuable part of your developing process. Don't look at the time you wasted, but rather at the experiences you gained!

(At the same time, try not to generalize them too much; I'm not sure that having courted one Chinese girl really puts you into a position to give dating advice about all Chinese girls.)

[ZhangKaiRong]

Well, I mean in Europe, if you like a girl, and she likes you a little bit, you usually get a chance to be with her in a relationship. Maybe this relationship doesn't last too long, but still, a relationship... The main difference between the Chinese and Western dating customs IMO is that in the West we get to know each other in a relationship, in China people first get to know each other very well, and after get into a relationship. So, the Western way of dating is faster, the Chinese one is really really slow. The problem is that I don't want to build up the relationship in the Chinese way. I mean okay, I spend x months to court a girl, but I fear that in the end the result would be the same. This girl told me that she has never considered me more than just a friend, so I would spend x-1 more months for nothing. I don't really feel the feedback from the Chinese girls, how on Earth shall I know to differentiate the situation when they don't want anything and the one when they just very shy to express their feelings?!

I have friends in other cities (bigger than this one), I really envy them because they got a Chinese girlfriend quite fast (after 1-1,5 month after we arrived to China), there is a guy who didn't have a girlfriend before is now in a relationship with a very beautiful Chinese girl. I don't have a clue what I'm doing wrong, so far I haven't got any problems with dating, of course I got rejected four times before in Europe as well, but had several girlfriends in the past, so I have some experience about the ladies' heart. Maybe the problem is with the city and university itself (most girls are conservative), only one of the foreign students is in a relationship with a Chinese girl (which is also a mystery for me, because he has just started to learn Chinese, so his communication is very limited, and the girl doesn't speak any English...). Because I am a foreigner, there are girls who tell me on the street or in the supermarket that "你非常帅", some even try in English and say "You are a handsome foreigner", but I can't take these words seriously. Appearence is not enough to have a Chinese girlfriend I guess. There are no clubs and bars here, I don't have a chance get to know more outgoing Chinese girls, so it's really a messed up situation.

Yes, I learnt a lot from her, she helped me to improve my language abilities, but still, these don't cheer me up in this case, because I wanted more from her...

[tamir302]

@ZhangKaiRong-Like others have said, cheer up. Finding suitable Chinese girls may not be easy, but they do exist (in English corners, bars, etc.). Though I'm curious about this girl- Is it possible you waited too much, romantically speaking, and got yourself into the friend zone?

I'm asking this as this option really scares me: I have met with the Chinese girl for the second time, and a third date is on its way, but still nothing explicitly romantic happened (though we did "progressed" to a hug at the end of the date). I was advised to take things slowly, but I fear things are going too slow...Should I try to make a more obvious move?

[imron]

Finding suitable Chinese girls may not be easy, but they do exist (in English corners, bars, etc.)

Personally speaking, these are the last places I would look if I was wanting to find someone to have a relationship with.