Visiting friends in village after returning from abroad

[pprendeville]

My wife, children and I have returned to her hometown for 6 weeks. Been here 2 weeks now and after initial period of readjustment I'm over most major issues or I just don't let them get to me as much. 

Suggested to my wife to get out and visit some of her friends to get a break from the children (we have three under three so it can be stressful) and she said they don't usually visit friends only relatives. I find this a bit strange. Is it common to only visit relatives in villages?  Different in the city? Usually when we visit my hometown in Ireland I'll pay a few visits to friends just to get out and about. 

[WestTexas]

This doesn't sound normal to me. She probably just doesn't want to go. There could be many reasons, but she might be embarrassed about the village (Chinese people only want to show the good parts of their country to foreigners), or maybe she just doesn't like those friends that much.

[li3wei1]

or maybe everyone in the village is a relative?

[xianhua]

It may be more a case of "don't want to" than "don't usually". From my experience, visits such as these made to relatives in a rural environment would ordinarily involve the giving of fruit, and possibly other local produce, by the guest. If she visits one set of relatives, she'll need to visit the rest. That's an awful lot of fruit to lumber around with 3 children.

[Shelley]

The OP said that he thought it might be nice for her to get out and see her friends and get a break from her children so she won't have fruit and kids to lumber around with. Also got the impresion that he would be staying with the kids to look after them so she would be going around the village on her own so no foreigners would see the village.

I think she just doesn't want to go and visit any friends if she has any, this may be why she is not going, for some reason she may not actually have any friends in that villiage.

I suggest the OP ask her straight out cos then he would understand better.

[amandagmu]

For some reason, I have always been under the impression that in small villages just about everyone is related to each other in some way or another. How small is the village and is it close or far from a big city? Rural China is really, really locally diverse. It is difficult or entirely impossible to generalize rural China, other than to say that most villages are poor compared to the big cities. But even then, that's not always true. Maybe everyone in her age range has already moved, migrated, or married out of the village.

The gift thing is also a good point.

Also, if she goes to see relatives they probably want to see the kids.

[pprendeville]

WestTexas: She's definitely not embarrassed as we've gone to her grandmothers house in the village twice since arriving and found her topless and there was no embarrassment. You a Lance fan by the way?

XianHua: Good point about the fruit-local produce. Do people ever just visit each other for a chat and not feel obligated to bring some food. The whole giving of the fruit and the recipient refusing for 5 minutes is a guarantee in rural China. Why don't they just accept it and get on with it?

Shelley: I spoke to her about it and she said she doesn't have any close friends in the village. I had thought that she would have had a few at least and it would be nice to catch up with them. I had met a girl up the road from her home who said she was a class mate but she had no interest in visiting her. I asked my wife if her sisters (x3) ever visit friends in the village when they're home and they also don't. They're all younger and she said she thinks they use QQ to talk with friends. The whole setup sounds very antisocial to me. Usually when I'm at home in Dublin I don't like to be at home the whole time especially with 3 children under the same roof so I usually go out and visit people to break the monotony. I thought the same would have applied here.

Amandagmu: wife said village is 5000-6000. Near a small enough town by Chinese standards and 80km from Shijiazhuang.

Heres feedback from my wife: She doesn't visit others as she never really used to do it when young.  Only visited relatives and brought gifts such as fruit/eggs/drinks. Role of women is much different to men. Once women are married they might only visit close neighbours and look after the child. Husband is free to go out and visit his friends (every night people play mahjiang at my wife's home and they're all men). My wifes sisters who are all younger than her are in same boat. Don't leave the home to visit friends locally. Use Internet to chat with friends. Also, on a seperate note, we have 3 children and my wife can't bear to hear them cry and feels terribly guilty when they do. I am a good bit more tolerant of crying as with 3 kids under 3 you can't satisfy all their needs. Wife raised an interesting point that reason women don't allow children to cry is because looking after children is the woman's main duty and crying is seen as a failure of this duty. I pointed out that most Chinese women have only one child so it's much less work managing the needs of one. Any thoughts on this.

[amandagmu]

Well, I guess I would be curious to also know who buys the food and other necessities on a daily basis? In China before the internet, in most places women had to leave the house for agricultural and market purposes (yes, even in so-called "feudal" times, that before Liberation stuff about women confined to the home is such hogwash; all it means is that many women had a specific gender role and didn't have professional jobs, it does not mean they never left the house). Meanwhile the husbands did some kind of other non-household-based work. Like I said, this was/is regionally dependent, such as some towns specializing in particular industries with women who worked at home or in small home-based "workshops" (making clothes, shoes, blankets, baskets etc...). Unfortunately, I don't really know what towns near Shijiazhuang were like... but that doesn't mean there's no one out there who's done a study. I'd have to look around to try and fine one.

To me, based on William Skinner's analysis of macro-regions in China, it sounds like your wife is from a place that (probably for a long time) has served as a small "market town" among numerous villages in a region. (Of course, I don't know all that much about Hebei, but you can read about her regions in particular from here I suppose.) I would be surprised if women never left the home to do things like grocery shopping in the markets or working in some local industry, even while they had a family. Honestly, that's how a lot of non-urban women used to (and probably still do) "meet up" with their friends for a chat.

So, what's really interesting to me is what you've said about the chatting with friends over the internet versus actually leaving the house, and that they claim this is "typical" for women. I'd like to know how prevalent this is anywhere in China.

[gato]

His description makes Hebei sound like Saudi Arabia. ;-)

[frankwall]

I knew people in other countries who only socialised with relatives. Interesting that here, once you are a married woman, you don't socialise with friends.

[abcdefg]

This whole topic of Chinese village life has been very interesting, since I've never spent more than a few hours in one. The composite picture I'm getting from this and a couple other of the OP's threads helps me understand why young people want to leave and go to larger population centers.

I read "Country Driving" by Peter Hessler, but that book talks about village life farther north, and I realize characteristics can change from region to region.

I pointed out that most Chinese women have only one child so it's much less work managing the needs of one.

Just curious, what kind of response from local have you gotten regarding having three young children?

[pprendeville]

Amandaagmu - the village is about 2km from the main town and there is a market held once a week right outside the house on the street which slows up all the traffic. usually the majority of the weekly shopping seems to be done there. any excursions into town are seen as a big deal and i almost feel obliged to buy something for the in-laws which can be a bit annoying as I don't know what they like (this obliging feeling comes from my wife suggesting to get them something). I usually go for hands-on things like cooking oil or something that lasts a long time. if i buy fruit it is put away and i don't see it again (they never refrigerate fruit and loads of fruit flies end up coming out of the bag which contains the fruit). will have a look at those links. ta

Gato - haven't witnessed any chopping off of hands or stonings yet.

just looks of surprise when we go out with the children. also get asked if families in Ireland have as many children. i'm not sure what the big deal is there as only 30-40 years ago Chinese families were big.

[imron]

as only 30-40 years ago Chinese families were big.

A lot has changed in 30-40 years. Not just family size, but most aspects of Chinese life.

[abcdefg]

A couple years ago I rode a bus from Kunming to Dali. An American family with six children was on the bus. The children ranged in age from 16 down to a babe in arms. The Chinese passengers made a big friendly fuss over them and kept saying how "blessed" and fortunate they were. But I must say, the mother looked very tired and worn out.

[liuzhou]

Interesting that here, once you are a married woman, you don't socialise with friends.

What a generalisation. Most married women I know still maintain their prior friendships and socialise.

[pprendeville]

just meant the local town, not all of China. don't shoot the mesenger - this is coming from my chinese wife.