Dating in China

[Lu]

Well, you can do both, first discuss on the couch and then have an official proposal that the asker already knows the answer to and the asked sees coming. A big public proposal does put a lot of pressure on both asker and asked, if the person asked isn't sure yet, that can be very unpleasant.

OP: Like I said, don't hold your breath. The Chinese dump if a new friend isn't quite working out: make the next appointment; cancel that appointment at the last minute; tell the new friend you'll contact them to set a new date; never contact them again. You can try asking her again and see what happens, but I suggest you file her under 'nice people I met once who helped me with something' and find some new friends.

[diste01]

good point gato!

I can imagine you might even have to put some money on the table if she comes from some little village!

[Azure Boone]

I have been researching dating in China! The customs, etiquette, if there are any, how old fashioned are they and what not. Does anybody have a LINK to such things? Also, sorry to ask this here, but, is there a Japanese Forum??? I have Japanese questions, but I'm sure this is NOT the place to ask? It'd be nice if that weren't the case, cause I like this forum and all its neat functions and don't care to join another one.

[imron]

Middle Kingdom Life has a reasonably comprehensive guide to this and other aspects of living in China from a western/expat perspective.

[Azure Boone]

Yay! @admin Imron! Thank you so much! What about that Japanese question, is there a Japanese section here? Or a website you know of?

[Azure Boone]

Wow, that site you gave me the link to is AWESOME thank you!

[newforeigner]

In the West, age does not matter that much. How about in China? Maybe she does not want to date a professor? I look 20-something. Perhaps next time I should hide my occupation and age.

[liuzhou]

In the West, age does not matter that much.

How did you arrive at that conclusion? Most marriages in the UK are between people whose age difference is no more than two to three years. Probably similar in other countries.

[Lu]

Newforeigner, even if you would be the perfect man for her theoretically, in age, looks, character, interest, etc, that would still not obligate her to date and/or like you, just like you won't date every friendly woman in your age range you randomly meet. You'll likely never know why she turned you down. My best guess is that she feels it's kinda weird to make friends with a guy she meets randomly in the supermarket, but there's simply no way of knowing. It's best to stop overthinking and make some other friends.

And next time you meet someone new, still don't hide your occupation and age, to not clear that up by the first date at the latest is awkward and weird. If either will be a problem for her, she'll find out later and it will still be a problem, plus then you'll have lied to her on top of it. If you're a secret agent or something, make up a good story or just date a colleague.

[skylee]

Very interesting thread. It seems that if a girl expects a guy to pay for meals etc, the guy might turn out to be someone like diste01. On the other hand, if a girl never expects a guy to pay, the guy might be hurt and wonders if the girl is not serious. So troublesome. But there are so many different types of guys and girls, so generalisation does not seem to be a good idea.

@OP: I wish you the best of luck. But, you should really make your own decisions. A Chinese woman is still a woman.

And "It might be that she did not wash her hair." is hilarious.

[WestTexas]

In the West, age does not matter that much. How about in China? Maybe she does not want to date a professor? I look 20-something. Perhaps next time I should hide my occupation and age.

Ehh I kind of feel like age DOES matter in the West but doesn't matter as much in China.

[rob07]

You'll likely never know why she turned you down.

she gave me her cell phone number ... I could not call her as my phone was not working ... Few weeks later, I met her again by chance.

Hmm...

[newforeigner]

If I tell her that I think of her everyday, she may get scared. If I don't tell her and she is testing if I really want to see her, I fail her test. It is very difficult to decide what to do.

My city is a small one. Many people go to the same shopping center. She told me that she goes there very often too. I meet somebody I know at school most of the time I go there. If I forget about her, look for new female friends and she sees it, she will think that I am not serious about her even we still have not gone for a date...

[putonghua73]

First up, whatever country, whatever culture, it's a numbers game. Never forget this. The more options that you have, the less these situations will phase you.

Agree that if you invite someone, be prepared to pay. Also, as Stephanie mentioned, AA on the first meeting / date (don't get hung up on referring to a meeting as a 'date' - that way expectations lay) is a bad move. Makes you look cheap. That said, paying for friends, shopping, etc is just being used - plain and simple. No need to be polite in such situations - tell them where to get off, delete their details and find someone who will not treat you like a walking ATM.

In my experience, you need to invest a lot more time with Chinese women. My language partner, whom I like more and more when we spend time with each other told me - as we were walking across Waterloo Bridge at a late hour the other evening - 日久见人心，路遥知马力. We're becoming closer and the situation is more ambiguous and fluid. That said. It could be that way just in my head, so I'm comfortable with the slow-burning situation, and moving at her pace.

If I think back to a Chinese woman I met on a bus on the way to Lugu Lake, and we went travelling together, I would treat her, then I would unexpectedly find that she had bought me a gift, paid for lunch, etc. I really made a mistake and missed out on her because my then ex got back in contact and I ended up back with her for a short time.

I also recall a friend (Chinese) of mine, whom I'm fairly sure liked me (confirmed by a number of female friends, and my ex), once refused to let me pay and tried to pay instead. We were so busy remonstrating with each other as to who would pick up the tab, that another friend paid, just so that we could leave!

In the end, it boils down to two overriding factors: character and maturity. Also, with 'new' people, there should be no expectations: they owe nothing to you, you owe nothing to them. Until you get to know each other, and start to develop trust and goodwill between the pair of you (earned over time and through actions being consistent with words ), then don't place any real expectation in the situation.

I operate 2 strikes in the early stages, until trust and goodwill is earned. If someone breaks an appointment twice in a row, I delete their details and move on. Hence, why it is important to have a number of people, to generate more options and to avoid placing your expectations in one person which creates pressure.

All the best.

[Silent]

If I tell her that I think of her everyday, she may get scared. If I don't tell her and she is testing if I really want to see her, I fail her test. It is very difficult to decide what to do.

There are about 7 billion potential partners in the world. If she's not interested there are still about 7 billion other boys and girls left to date, dine with, invite to the movies or whatever........

[diste01]

@skylee u got this totally wrong mate. And unlike u said, you've just made a generalization

[skylee]

Re #75, I find this 天涯何處無芳草 view kind of sad.

[WestTexas]

OP, you've already failed by thinking about this too much. Don't get your hopes up. IMO, you should find another woman as soon as possible. It seems like you think this girl is special or something, but there are plenty of other women out there.

[大肚男]

I agree with west Texas, I would cut my losses.

Believe me there are plenty of fish in the sea, and I subscribe to the belief that if it is meant to be, it will happen, sooner or later

[Azure Boone]

I say TELL her how you feel! She may not know, and what a shame it would be if your fear of rejection should screw up a potential good thing. So often, it's what's left unsaid that speaks the loudest when it comes to relationships. Have some courage and sweep this girl off her feet. Think of it as a football play. Go for the touchdown, you know the odds. It could work, it may not, but give it your best shot and do something she'll remember years to come. That's what I'd want if a guy seemed interested. We like being "shown" and "told" these things. And I think a woman is a woman despite her culture's influence.