How to deal with overprotective guys who interrupt conversation?

[newforeigner]

Hi, very often when the guys see me talking with their female friends, they come to listen. Almost all the time, they interrupt the conversation. Sometimes right in front of me, they even question their female friends who I am, why I talk to them, what I want to do with them, etc. This has happened both on and off campus. I found such behavior very impolite. Few days ago, a girl gave me her contact details. Her classmate came and asked the above questions. When she wrote down her contact, he looked really nervous and tried to stop this from happening. Last night, a girl started a converation with me. A guy saw us talking and came to interrupt. I ignored him and continued to talk with her. The girl also did not talk to him. He just stayed there trying to break our conversation. I really wanted to ask him to get lost.

I asked a Chinese student friend. She told me that the guys in China are protective. When they see their female friends talking with a stranger (perhaps especially with a foreign man), they assume the worst and "come to rescue" even we are just talking with each other. Some of them just like the girls but do not have the courage to say so. So, they use the student societies to get close to the girls slowely. The only thing they can do is to prevent other guys from talking with their female friends. Is this really true? How to deal with these guys? In foreign countries, I just say "Excuse me, I am talking with her not you, please do not interrupt our conversation."

[WestTexas]

Yeah, Chinese guys love to cockblock foreigners. I'm not sure if they do this to each other or not, but they love to do it to foreigners. I'm not going to explain why I think this is, but they have very 'protective' feeling towards women.

If you can read Chinese well, and you want to read some funny but also somewhat disturbing views from Chinese men on this, type 外国人玩女人 (or 女孩、女生 etc) in Baidu. Read some of the stuff that comes up. My favorite is the one where a Chinese guy is outlining what the government can do to prevent this 'problem'.

[newforeigner]

Imagine that you are trying to get into a club for special guests only. The bouncers come to block your entry. This is close to what the guys have been doing to me. They don't usually stand directly between me and their lady friend to block us from seeing each other. However, they stand very close and at an angle of about 30 degrees.

In a shopping mall, I was trying to talk with some performers at the end of the performance. A guy came to block me from talking to them. His assistant told me that he is the manager. He forbids people from talking to his girls without his permission. Who the hell is he? This is a free world. If the girls do not mind talking with me, he has no right to interrupt.

At school orientation, I asked a student to help me to take photo. She was happy to do that but when an upper year student in charge of her saw it, he asked her to leave. Then, he told me that "There are other people. You do not have to ask her to help you." Later, we had lunch in a group together. She was sitting next to me and we enjoyed talking with each other. Then, this guy asked her to move to the next table to separate us. What kind of attitude is this?

I look Chinese but I don't speak the language. I guess they consider me as a foreigner when I talk to their lady friends in English. If I ask them to get lost, will this cause trouble?

[WestTexas]

ehh, okay. So this is basically my honest opinion on this. It's a little complicated, but this is my theory.

Chinese people in general maintain more static social sets than Americans (where I am from). This probably applies to other Western countries as well. What I mean is that, over a long period of time, Chinese people have more of the same people within their social sets. Like, for me, the people I was friends with my fourth year of college were not at all the same people as I was friends with my first year of college. I keep in touch with exactly two of my dozens of high school friends. Many Chinese, though, hang out with the same couple of people for much of their lives. I think, in general, that most Chinese have smaller social sets as well. It is not at all unusual for a Chinese student to hang out with the same 2-3 people all the time, who are also their classmates or coworkers. Their circle of acquaintances is may be limited to only 20-30 people, whereas many Americans casually know hundreds of people.

Why does this matter? Well, what happens is that these Chinese boys/men are basically around the same couple of women for long periods of time. I'm talking about years or even decades. As is somewhat natural, the Chinese man gets a crush on some of these girls, but many of the men just hope that the women will start to feel the same way, and they never really do much to pursue it. The feelings grow stronger. Then they see a foreign man come talk to the girl they have been dreaming about for years. They don't like this, so they move in to stop it.

Of course, some of them actually just want to talk to a foreigner, and don't have any intention of blocking you.

How to handle this? I'm open to suggestions myself, if anyone has any. However, generally there are a few ways to deal with this:

(1)Just get the girl's contact info and set something up later, without the blocker present.

(2)Be nice to the guy. He's less likely to block if he likes you. This is probably the best course of action.

(3)Make fun of the guy. Not in a super-mean way, but you want to make the girl laugh at him. This makes you look better and makes (1) easier. This only works if it's funny, btw. Just saying "You're stupid" is going to make you look bad.

Don't threaten the guy or get violent. You don't want an angry mob of Chinese guys stomping on you. They do not see anything cowardly or immoral about ganging up on someone, and they have very sensitive feelings about this issue.

Then, this guy asked her to move to the next table to separate us.

Yeah, I've gotten this before. They often have an excuse like "Oh, all the smokers will sit at this table" or "Oh, we're friends, so sit next to me (and away from the women)."

[newforeigner]

Your suggestions are interesting. The girls I am talking about at school are freshers. So, the guys just get to know them as well. I know that there is an area at school where people can meet and get to know each other.

I don't see why I cannot go there to meet girls as some of the guys do. Of course they do it in a less explicit way.

There was a festival recently. It happened twice that when the guys saw me getting the phone number of girls, they joined and asked the same. Can't they ask the phone number themselves without having me to get the ball rolling?

I also found that guys here like to gather information about me though the girls.

[ChTTay]

I don't know... If I was in a country where the number of men far outweighed women and I was expected to have a wife and child (amongst other things) to be seen as a success I'd be pretty peeved if some foreign bugger came along and "stole" her from me.

Most of the Chinese people i've spoken too are also well aware most younger foreigners tend to come to China for a short time then leave. I don't think many have the intention of staying here to be with the girl they met or marrying her and trying to take her back to their home country. If I knew this and saw my friend getting involved with a foreigner, I would probably want to protect her somehow too.

I've actually had this from female friends of my girlfriend but never anything as you've described. Only asking polite questions about, essentially, my intentions.

If you are going around chatting to many girls, getting their numbers then people probably notice this. It doesn't look that good if you are the friend of one of those girls. If I was a Chinese guy I'd protect my friend from you too.

[WestTexas]

If I was a Chinese guy I'd protect my friend from you too.

It's the woman's choice. What are you protecting her from, making her own decisions?

[jasoninchina]

This is why I miss California. No one batted an eye at me and my wife. The second we moved to Michigan, I often heard things like, "Oh, you got yourself a China doll." Seriously. Who says that? Now that we're in Hainan, a day does not pass without someone's face lighting up at the idea of a Chinese woman with a foreigner. So I'm not surprised at all that you're getting cockblocked (I'm referencing a rooster here, not a penis) by the locals. China is still a very homogenous society. It's oftentimes all too easy to get into the mindset of "You're a foreigner, you're different, I don't like you." NOT everyone is like this. And it usually has something to do with education. So if you're talking to a bunch of freshmen...

My advice: Don't go around asking for every girls number; if you're looking for a girlfriend, do it elsewhere; IGNORE jerks.

[ChTTay]

It's the woman's choice. What are you protecting her from, making her own decisions?

Think about it from their point of view, not from the point of view of an American.

I also didn't make myself as clear as I could have, I am not saying that I agree with or would mimic the actions of guys mentioned above, however, I would probably talk to the girl about it.

There are massive differences between dating/relationships in the West and in China.

Jasoninchina has good advice

[civic94]

I think protecting a friend would be some of the guy's intentions. as an abc in america and going to school here, i have seen tons of white guys who are losers here, but they talk to some foreign girls from other asian countries and actually get some action, it really pisses the asian dudes off.

[edelweis]

[ah, never mind. Dunno why I am still reading this thread.]

[newforeigner]

I look asian as well.

[imron]

That may be so, but you almost certainly look foreign. The clothes you wear, the body language you use and so on, not to mention that if you are speaking to people it's a dead giveaway.

[civic94]

to the op, next time some guy tries and do that, why dont you ask him why? that might be better than asking here.

[liuzhou]

Let me get this right. The girls you are talking to are freshers. And you are a "professor". Yes?

[renzhe]

Liuzhou has a point.

You are a professor who hangs around places full of freshers in order to meet girls, "often" talks to young girls, "often" gets their phone numbers (at least twice in the same evening), approaches girls on campus, off campus, in shopping centres, during course activities, at festivals, at parties, canteens and basically everywhere. And apparently the best way to get detailed information about you is to ask all the girls on the campus.

Could it be that you have developed a reputation, and that this is a cause of your woes?

[civic94]

Why dont you find a girl that you want to talk to, then talk to the girls' guy friends first, get his number, become friends with him for a month, make him think your a nice guy, then slowly penetrate into the girls space and ask her number? or is that too much work for you/ you dont want to be friends with a bunch of dudes?

you know, if you did this in high school you would of probably got your behind kicked. if i was one of those "guy friends" i would of probably cock blocked you also.

you think the guys reaction is impolite? i think its impolite to only talk to girls and only get their numbers.

[Meng Lelan]

I wonder how to translate "cockblock" into Chinese?

[count_zero]

Cultural misunderstandings can lead to many unnecessary problems and tension.

I think LZ's problem, however, is that these Chinese guys understand the situation perfectly.

[Azure Boone]

And the plot thickens. I think you need to just associate with the professional crowd as in...a bit older? I think it's unprofessional to be this associative with the students. Find another professional crowd to hang with.