dating question

[Scoobyqueen]

My brother-in-law, who is newly divorced, is interested in a relationship with a young Chinese girl.

[anonymoose]

If both partners are clear about what the other wants, then what is the problem? I mean, I wouldn't want a relationship with a girl who is just after financial gain, but on the other hand, there has to be something in it for the girl too. Otherwise why would a 25-year old girl want a relationship with a 42-year old divorcee? Especially a Chinese girl in the UK who probably has plenty of options.

[Meng Lelan]

I don't know what to tell you except those rebound relationships happen very quickly when a guy gets divorced. My ex got remarried very fast to someone whom he dated only six months. I suspect she liked that he had $$$ and a house. So I don't think this has much to do with nationalities.

[mongol]

Family is jumping the gun here. He goes out with someone, doesn't mean they're going to marry. Just go out and have fun. As for loyalty being higher in Chinese women, times have changed, and wouldn't count on that either.

[Lu]

Young Chinese women (like any women really) can have different motives for dating a foreign man, newly divorced, 20 years their senior, but the motive is not always that they just love his character. From your post I understand that he dates women in the UK, I assume that means he actually meets these women in person and is not just being cheated by a website. Still, he should proceed with caution and make sure she's 1) not married and 2) not seriously dating someone else, either at home or abroad, before getting too serious with someone.

Of course he should also be clear on what she is likely to be looking for and what he can and cannot expect in a relationship like this. Some women might be loyal, some might just be after money or a passport and leave him as soon as they get that. Some might just want the security and find an older guy more reliable, but it would still be wise if your brother-in-law makes sure that if a woman is after financial gain, he doesn't end up plucked.

[xianhua]

I know a British guy and Chinese girl with a similar age difference to the one you mention who also met through online dating. They are now happily married and living in the UK, so it can work. However, I'm sure some other girls may just be looking for a language-partner or foreign boyfriend to brag to friends back home about. He'll be able to make that judgement soon enough.

[大肚男]

if you're family is worried about the girl having ulterior motives, I would suggest having a lawyer draft a good pre-nuptial agreement. such agreements are generally enforceable in the united states, but I would check about enforcability in the UK

[Scoobyqueen]

Thanks for all the responses. All of them are very useful.

[kdavid]

I would strongly recommend that you urge your brother, assuming he finds someone he develops feelings for and begins to learn toward marriage, to move in and live with this person for *quite some time* before making the leap.

While my experience with Chinese women is very, very limited (my wife is the only one I've dated/been involved with), I do have many friends who have done a lot of dating / married a Chinese.

In this limited experience, I'd say that Chinese women are much more pragmatic, and much less "romantic", than their western counterparts.

By "romantic", here I'm referring explicitly to their tendency to lean more toward marriage as a contract as it inherently benefits them and their family than for its romantic ideals (i.e. love).

In other words, many Chinese woman, again, in my limited experience, will choose a man whom they believe gives them, their family, and their posterity a chance at a better future than one with whom they're "head-over-heels in love".

Your brother should approach these relationships understanding that love may be secondary (or even tertiary) for many Chinese woman. Living with someone for a "trial period" before making any firm commitment should help both parties better feel out the situation.

[roddy]

Tell him to sign up and post in here - I'm no fan of dating discussions, but lets at least do them first hand.

[putonghua73]

Agree with Roddy. There are a number of questions that would help illuminate the situation, but also hopefully act as a mirror to reflect such metaphysical questions back to your brother-in-law to answer for himself - which I feel is a really, really important process in any break-up.

Other questions:

1. Where does he live? Sounds like he lives outside the UK? Why is he looking for Chinese women in the UK as opposed to where he lives?

2. What type of dating sites? Match? OKC?

3. Does he know what he really wants at this stage? Dating? No strings? Companionship? A relationship?

SQ: This is a distinct possibility. His relationship with his ex wife just ended in November last year. He was dropped. He might be asking himself the metaphysical questions right now. He seems to be adamant that he does not want the same type as his ex. He wants something completely new. One of the reasons he likes Chinese girls is that they are very pretty and he likes the culture (although he has never previously expressed an interest despite of me going on about China for years).

Ask him how it sounds: an early 40s male recent divorcee now seeks a young (mid 20s) Chinese female. Doesn't it sound a little bit like re-bound and the onset of a mid-life crisis? I'd be less concerned about these girls' agenda, then I would your brother-in-law at this stage. I say that as a male, who has had a couple of break-ups in the last few years (none marriage). The male psyche (as I interpret from my own experience) feels impotent by just reflecting and processing one's thoughts and feelings, and needs to take action of some sort. Usually manifesting in immediately jumping back into the dating game, rather than maybe taking stock of one's life and making positive changes i.e. developing a new interest and/or doing something that one hasn't had the time to do; developing different goals and plans, etc.

My solution was to date and then take the time to process thoughts and feelings. Everyone is different and requires a different amount of time to sufficiently process to be in a position to move on. I believe it is better to focus on other areas in one's life than immediately jump back into the dating pool, which feels like re-bound. In the dating game, anyone who has recently broken-up / divorced is an immediate red flag.

I would say that your brother-in-law needs to slow right down. If he wants to date (meet someone and enjoy each other's company), then fine; anything else i.e. relationship, is way, way too early.

SQ: the guy is bright and has a very good job. I presume he is able to see through things.

IQ and his employment have no bearing on his emotional state at this time. It's very easy to deceive oneself, to convince yourself that you're in control, that you understand your emotional landscape. You may see these things and recognise these signs, but do you actually acknowledge such signs in oneself? If he was in a good emotional space in his life, then he'd be asking himself some hard questions such as why young (mid 20s) Chinese women, and why is he getting excited at receiving messages from married [Chinese] women - particularly empty text messages where he is interpreting their meaning through a different prism?

I really think that sites like meetup.com (or equivalent), where you get to meet people through a shared interest is a great way to meet new people, especially if starting up in a new city, or for meeting an activity partner. It's probably healthier at this stage to meet people through a shared interest (he could join Chinese ones if he wants to meet Chinese women), and get to know people in a more relaxed setting, rather than through dating sites, where it feels more pressurised, harder to read intentions and motives - especially if in an emotionally turbulent state like your brother-in-law.

My 2 yuan ;)

[Lu]

Interesting about the loyalty though. I thought Chinese people stuck to the moral code quite vehemently and that loyalty in marriage was part of this code.

(...) He told me one of the girls was already married and was clear about that.

While there are plenty of moral Chinese people, on the whole I wouldn't think Chinese people are more moral than others. Young women from a developing country dating older men with good jobs are not a subgroup I'd expect to be more moral than average. And you've already found out from your brother-in-law.

'Interest in the culture' without knowing anything about the culture... Somehow I suspect that's an interest in geishas and betelnut beauties rather than in Tang poetry or Shang bronzes. Ah well.

[Scoobyqueen]

I'm no fan of dating discussions

We will kill yet another discussion. Ah well.

What kind of discussions do you actually like?

But thanks to Putonghua for responding.

I may return with an update in a year unless Roddy has an issue with that.

[frankwall]

I would strongly recommend that you urge your brother, assuming he finds someone he develops feelings for and begins to learn toward marriage, to move in and live with this person for *quite some time* before making the leap.

I'd really go along with this line of thought. Very important to live together and make sure it works before even thinking about marriage. But this sounds a little bit odd - if its your brother in law, it means he is recently divorced from your sister, right? And it doesn't bother you helping him find a Chinese girl 25 years younger than him? Is there any reason why he wants a girl from China as opposed to anywhere else? He could try dating loads of women! Still, if he is interested in Chinese girls, statistics do show that most men go for the more educated type