Homework Help, Please - A story I wrote about a lost baby duck doll

[Immovable Bodhi]

Hi all,

I am an undergraduate student currently studying in Chinese Studies in a famous university in Indonesia. I'm looking for help on this homework that my lecturer assigned to the previous week.

I just need corrections for grammar and certain word usage. My lecturer assigned me to write a story about 丢并找东西的经验. I will provide my own piece and the story I am intending to create sentence by sentence, to help you understand where I got wrong (if any).

Here is my piece:

我女朋友在香港丢的娃娃 (I intended "doll", as in the toys that kids play)

16 日 6 月是我女朋友的生日。我想，她很喜爱看可爱的鸭。我就买到她一双很可爱的鸭娃娃。回到她的房子，她一看见我送给他的礼物就高兴地跳。一双鸭娃娃，红的是我的，黄的是她的。我们叫红的娃娃 Bekmugrao，她的（黄的那个）是叫 Becky。

不久，7 月左右，我女朋友跟她全家去香港旅行。在那儿她就走出饭店去 Disneyland 玩儿了。Disneyland 里有很多好玩儿极了的操场，让我女朋友觉得很兴奋。倒霉，没想到，她太高兴地玩儿，不注意在哪儿放东西，她的娃娃就丢了。她一发现就找了半天也找不到。三天过去了，她还从香港饭店给 Disneyland 管理人员打电话，也没有结果。不久，她必须去别的城市，不能去 Disneyland 找一找。

到现在，我们还没找到 Becky。我们猜了它还在 Disneyland 玩儿。我们也希望一个好小孩子找到它，给它一个好家庭。

My intended meaning and plot, sentence by sentence:

My Girlfriend's Lost Doll At Hong Kong

The 16th of June is my girlfriend's birthday. I thought that she likes cute ducks. I bought her a pair of cute baby duck dolls. Returning to her home, she jumped out when she saw what I gave her as gift. A pair of baby duck dolls, the red one was mine, and the yellow one was hers. We named the red one Bekmugrao, and hers (the yellow one) we call it Becky.

Not long after, around July, my girlfriend went traveling to Hong Kong. There she quickly went out to Disneyland to play. In Disneyland there are a lot of attractions, making my girlfriend quite excited. Bad luck happens: unexpectedly, she played too excitedly and forgot where she put things that she lost her doll. At recognizing this she instantly looked for the doll a long time but she couldn't find it. Three days passed, she was still calling Disneyland's staff to no avail. Not long after that she had to leave for other towns and could not go to Disneyland to look a little.

Until this day, we still have not found Becky. We guessed that it is still in Disneyland, playing. We also hope that a small child would pick it up and give it a nice family.

What my 老师 expects:

- 复杂趋向补语 (I think I nailed it in the "went out to Disneyland" part)

- new words (兴奋 - I hope I did it right; 娃娃 - I'm doubting this)

- a rather more complex grammar (minimally a lot of 补语 and all that)

Your help and expertise in this would be much appreciated. Please note that I'm studying here, so I won't be hoping for quick answers and one shoots. Thank you!

[Kelly Wang]

Well, in fact, there are some problems. As you want, I will amend the grammar false points only. But, I have to say some points are not local Chinese. No matter how little job I do, I hope it works.

16 日 6 月 it is English form, not Chinese. 六月16日 it is the right order

她很喜爱看可爱的鸭 -------她很喜欢可爱的鸭子

我就买到她一双很可爱的鸭娃娃 我就给她买了一对可爱的鸭子

the first point is belong to grammar false. "a pair of" can be translated to many different meanings. The meaning depends on the noun after it.

她一看见我送给她的礼物就高兴地跳起来了。

一双鸭娃娃-------- 一对

她的（黄的那个）是叫 Becky。-------------她的（黄的那个）叫 Becky。 it is enough.

if i have time, i will do the last.

[陳德聰]

When we write the date, it goes 年、月、日.

I would say you should try using more 因为...所以... or 可是 or 但是 or other things I feel like most people learn in class... 不但...而且... Right now it seems like a series of choppy sentences.

Disneyland = 迪士尼乐园

I would have said 她玩儿得太高兴、就忘了把东西放在哪儿（、于是弄丢了她的小娃娃）

过了三天、...

[skylee]

I guess I am the only one here who gets upset seeing 玩儿 again and again. (OP it is fine if this is how you have been taught).

[Immovable Bodhi]

Chen Decong and skylee, thank you very much for the help.

Yes, I forgot I should use more of those constructions rather than making choppy sentences one by one and then combining it into a wenzhang (sorry, cannot write Hanzi on campus public computer).

I think I'll rewrite this story and get back here later today.

[joggerWu]

"鸭子" will be better than 娃娃, 娃娃 usally means a doll that girls play--Barbie and something like that, as in 洋娃娃. Using a double quotation marks ("鸭子") makes it more intriguing especially in a title, cause the "duck" you lost isn't authentic, but a 玩具鸭子 or 玩具鸭 (toy duck).

我就买到她一双很可爱的鸭娃娃 would be 我就给她买了一对可爱的玩具鸭. 双 stands for “ a couple ” , e.g. 一双袜子, 一双手套.

一放下行李，她就走出饭店叫来一辆出租车，并乘车去了迪士尼乐园 would be better, i.e. right after depositing her luggage in the hotel, she went out and called a cab, and then went to Disneyland. You got to know that 趋向补语 only applys to the terminative verbs or actions.

Anyway, you've done a good job, 加油!

[tooironic]

Personally I wouldn't use 鴨子 considering its double meaning of male prostitute.

[joggerWu]

Personally I wouldn't use 鴨子 considering its double meaning of male prostitute.

Yes, it does but only in very specific context, apparently that's not what Bodhi was going for.

And seriously, is that really the first sense that pop up in your mind?

[roddy]

Personally I wouldn't use 鴨子 considering its double meaning of male prostitute.

OMG Won't something think of the children!!!!!.

Mind you, if you put it in quotation marks...

[Immovable Bodhi]

I'm amazed at the amount of response I got from this simple post of mine. So much thanks!

My laoshi has, however, assigned it to be written down on the spot in class next week (she is like that). I think I'm gonna memorize a lot of it and just write down what I memorized.

Also, I counted the characters and found that it is rather too short. I was expected to write at least 400 zi and found that the original post only counted to ~270. So I rewrote a new version last night, adding the process in which I contemplated about what to give her for her birthday. After many consultations with my more advanced friends I think I nailed it quite cleanly--so I think that piece's the one I'm gonna memorize and write down next week.

Thanks to all of you!

"This is the most comfortable forum you have ever run into. You will feel like writing in it all the time" <-- not wrong

[roddy]

Don't be too surprised - you'd attempted to do it yourself, explained clearly what you were trying to do, and gave us the English so we could tell how successful you were. A lot of people would have basically asked 'please write my homework for me' and got much less help.

Keep on writing posts like that and you'll keep on getting help. Best of luck!