Chinese Help: Proof read

[joyfuls]

你们好！ 我是 Sally。今年18岁，在Northstrom中学上十二年级。我们家有五个人，我爸爸，妈妈，大姐姐，二姐姐和我。

周末的时候，我常常跟我的姐姐在一起。咱们有时候去看电影，看韩国连续剧，去商场买东西，和去饭店吃饭，还有到公元散散步。

我的爱好是：看书，完电脑， 和听音乐；尤其韩国音乐。

我喜欢看体操。我最喜欢的体操运动员是 Kohei Uchimura。也喜欢看和花样滑冰。Mao Asada 和 Takahiko Kozuka 是我的喜爱花样滑冰运动员。

我这个人喜欢安静。 我不喜欢热闹；也不喜欢到人很多又吵的地方。 大家说我工作很努力，所以成绩都挺不错。有时侯我一点不耐心还有很倔强。这个是我的缺点。

明年我上大学在 UBC。我感兴趣的计算机科学。我希望学有成功。

Hi could someone help proof read. I'm having trouble with the last part. I want to say that:

I'm interested in Computer science. I also hope that my studies will be sucessful. Is there a way to make that part less choppy?

[Hofmann]

我的爱好是：看书、玩电脑和听音乐；尤其韩国音乐。

In lists, the enumeration comma (、) is usually used, with no serial comma. Also I'd probably say 尤其是韓國音樂.

我喜欢看体操。我最喜欢的体操运动员是 Kohei Uchimura。也喜欢看和花样滑冰。Mao Asada 和 Takahiko Kozuka 是我的喜爱的花样滑冰运动员。

Most Japanese names can be written in Chinese characters, e.g. Uchimura Kohei is 内村航平.

我这个人喜欢安静。 我不喜欢热闹；

These two sentences (probably better separated with a comma) would be better combined (by not repeating 我).

有时侯我有一点不耐心还有很倔强。这个是我的缺点。

Not 是一點不耐心 because 耐心, and specifically 耐, is a stative verb. Saying 這個 is like saying "this one." Perhaps you implied something like "this aspect (特點)" but since you didn't mention 特點 or anything before, it's unnecessary and ambiguous.

我明年我在 UBC上大学在 UBC。

Since you're talking about 我 (and not 明年), it should go first. Also, prepositional phrases usually go before the verb.

我感兴趣的计算机科学。

Since 感興趣 already has an object (興趣) you'd have to say 對 ... 感興趣 (and 對... goes before 感興趣 because it's a preposition).

我希望学葉會（有所）成功。

One would usually use an idiom here like 希望學業有成 (where 學業有成 is treated as an intransitive verb). You can avoid that if you want, but you'll sound awkward. "Studies" is usually 學業. 會 is necessary for the future aspect of "will be successful".

[skylee]

#1 is not bad at all. But there are some avoidable typos, like 元/園, 完/玩. Proofreading should help. Also, when a term can be expressed in Hanzi, do it.

Re the end, consider 學有所成. Regarding 努力工作，if you refer to your study only, consider using 讀書/念書/學習 instead.

[joyfuls]

Thanks for the help everyone! I think I got most of the other ones.. So for the last part would it work if I said:

我明年在 UBC上大学。我对感兴趣的计算机科学。我希望学业有所成。

[skylee]

Too many 我. Consider-

我明年會/打算上英屬哥倫比亞大學(UBC)。我對計算機科學感興趣，希望將來學業有成。

This doesn't sound very coherent.