Help!...meeting potential in-laws and family for the first time.

[trix]

This is my first post in this forum. 6 months ago I met a chinese lady online and after many chats on QQ I visited her in Changsha. We fell in love with each other (especially me) and we decided to meet again in September and spend more time together. She mentiond our first meeting to her family and there is already some oppositon going on. We are both divorced and she has a 14 years daughter. The family is very tight and they won't be happy seeing her gone from China (if we get married she will come here, in Canada). I read though several Forum topics and I learned a few things about what to expect there. However, most discussions about mixed couples are about western woman-chinese man (pretty unusual, at least in Canada). The dynamics of western man-chinese woman are different, especially when the woman is in china and speaks no english. And now I am at that stage where I need to know what to buy for her family when we'll meet for the first time. I asked her about that but she doesn't really know. She just said she needs to 'save face' with her family, but she won't say what kind of gifts to buy and for how much value.

Any advice is welcome!

[roddy]

First, don't worry about the cross-cultural aspects. Just do whatever you'd normally do in Canada when you are meeting the parents of a woman who you've met online six months ago, actually seen twice, and are already talking about uprooting their daughter and grandchild halfway round the world. Then do that, with a large bottle of expensive spirits in hand.

[Lu]

Are you saying that she doesn't speak English? And how bad is communication between you two if she cannot even help you with a straightforward question like what you should buy for her family? Why are you considering marrying her after meeting her only twice? You mention that you two fell in love, but especially you. You two don't even have a relationship yet and already you feel that she's not that into you. I think you want to think this through a bit more before getting engaged to a woman you barely know and can't talk with and taking her away from everything she knows.

Anyway. That's not what you asked. Other threads do in fact recommend some things you can bring for prospective in-laws: souvenirs from your own country (try to find something that isn't made in China) and high-end liquor are some things to consider.

[skylee]

How do you get to meet people on QQ?

PS - where can I find a step-by-step guide?

[Lu]

I think you get started on one of those 'meet Chinese beauties to marry' websites. But your English might be too good to qualify :-p

[Ruben von Zwack]

@Skylee - I guess QQ is different in China, but where I live, go online on QQ with an Asian profile pic, and within an afternoon your phone will be flooded by guys of the "looking for Asian female" type. But Lu is right, the guys might be scared of you, if your English is better than theirs

[abcdefg]

http://www.chinalove....net/login.aspx or similar.

------------------

OP -- You are doomed. Pull out while you still can. Let me guess: You are 63 and she is 32. You will be seen by the parents as an evil foreign invader who is intent on stealing both their daughter and granddaughter. You will be about as welcome as Genghis Khan even if you show up with a whole case of Chivas-18 under one arm. Assuage your Yellow Fever in some other way.

[Ruben von Zwack]

Has anyone seen this new film? "Seeking Asian Female" by Debbie Lum. I have only had the chance to watch the trailer.

[Angelina]

The film looks so sad, she doesn't love him 嗯

Trix, watch this as well

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0188453/

[imron]

"Seeking Asian Female" by Debbie Lum. I have only had the chance to watch the trailer.

I've seen it and think it's quite good - worth the watch if you can get a hold of it. Whether she loves him or not is maybe not as cut and dried as you might think. Though the film certainly shows the problems they have it also ends on a relatively positive note.

In any case, I hope the director does follow-ups every now and then as it'd be interesting to know how things progress with the couple.

[Kenny同志]

Did you watch the whole film or just the trailer? From the trailer, the woman seems hot-tempered and doesn't love that guy. I feel a bit sorry about him.

[trix]

Thank you all for these answers, even though except for 'roddy' no one bothered to answer my question. I didn't ask if I should marry her, I didn't ask if there is any QQ training available and I didn't ask about movies regarding mixed marriages (by the way, I watched the entire movie and I see no similarities between my case and that one). So if you know the answer to my question and are willing to help, thank you. If not, please don't bother posting irrelevant responses.

[Silent]

Why all these assumptions and prejudice? She is divorced and has a 14 year old daughter, that doesn't sound like the cliche naive 18 year old with an 80 year old guy. From the limited info in the story I'ld say they're mature enough to make a decision for themselves.

Even if there is no (real) love so what? They make a choice for themselves, it's not like a brokered, enforced marriage or something. It's two mature adults that voluntarily consider to enter into a (business/marriage) contract. Imho nothing wrong with that.

And for the question, I pretty much second Roddy. Don't worry too much about the cross cultural aspects. Talk it over with her (as you probably would do at home too) and do what feels good based on your and her feelings/opinions.

[imron]

Did you watch the whole film or just the trailer?

As I mentioned in my post, I've seen the whole film and think it's quite good.

[Kenny同志]

Thanks. I'll see if I can find it on the Internet.

[xiaomawang]

What does she mean 'save face'? Does it mean you need to give some not cheap gift? Maybe Pu'er tea for the father. If her mother cooks, some dried food like mushroom, Abalone (or canned), sea cucumber.

[anonymoose]

"I'm going to take your daughter, and grandchild, to a far off land. By the way, here's a can of 1st grade Pu'er tea. So do you agree?"

I can see that going down well.

You should be thinking more along the lines of house and car if you want a good chance. 加油 as they say in China.

[PengHaoShi]

Buy something nice, but cheap in Canada and keep your pockets closed. Then you'll see what happens; if they are real people, they would not expect any extraordinary expensive gifts. But why does she don't know? She doesn't know her parents?? Or will she tell you upon arrival?

http://dragonladies.org/bbs/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=1642&start=0

Similar things are happening in business: foreign company contacted for big business, invited for last round of negotiation to China, over prized hotel, rip-off in a restaurant, before meeting the "Chairman" have to buy an expensive gift in an antique market for him, you know, saving face sooo important.....

I've seen this by myself, a friend in Europe was contacted and a big deal very soon almost accomplished. However, when invited to China, he contacted me and I let my Chinese staff check out for the company. After we've asked for a copy of the business license, the whole story was over...

[gato]

Deleted. Wrong thread.

[Angelina]

I'm sorry, I'm kinda biased about the whole thing.

I really don't know how you can impress your potential in-laws, because you don't know this woman and her family that well, you don't know their lifestyle, you don't know what they like. Maybe you should learn more about them first.