Help!...meeting potential in-laws and family for the first time.

[Lu]

But why does she don't know? She doesn't know her parents?? Or will she tell you upon arrival?

That's one of the red flags here. This is not a horribly complicated question: surely she knows what kind of gifts her parents appreciate, or else what the neighbours' daughter's fiance bought his in-laws that they're still bragging about. It doesn't seem she's attempting to shake him down, in that case I'd think she would have asked for a car/fridge already. Either she has no idea, or she's just horrible at communicating, or something else, but either way it's not a good thing. The OP's question has been asked before, useful answers have been given to various posters, but at the end of those useful answers, there was generally the advice to ask the girlfriend/boyfriend her/himself.

[abcdefg]

#21 -- Maybe she would prefer he bring cash.

#18 -- Useful link. http://dragonladies....&t=1642&start=0

It's things like that I was hoping to caution the OP about.

[li3wei1]

What about offering the parents a holiday in Canada, to see where their daughter and granddaughter will be living? Also meet some of the your family? Show them the sights, take them out to the finest Chinese restaurants. It may be expensive, but it's something they (and your fiance) will want to do someday anyway.

[roddy]

We've had quite a few gift discussions before, here are a few...

http://www.chinese-f...st-help-please/

http://www.chinese-f...ohol-as-a-gift/

http://www.chinese-f...-idea-required/

That last one is probably the most relevant.

I almost deleted my first post in this topic after posting as I thought I was being unnecessarily mean. Now it's post of the week. Hey ho.

From the limited info in the story I'ld say they're mature enough to make a decision for themselves.

Yeah, I suspect the divorce / unhappy marriage statistics for cross-cultural, cross-linguistic couples who met on the Internet would say otherwise.

I feel kind of the sorry for the OP as he's getting answers to a question he didn't ask, but if you say "I'm going to drive my car into a lake, does anyone know any nice lakes," people are going to say "Dude, don't drive your car into a lake!"

[Ruben von Zwack]

I'm not at all against people entering a marriage or relationship for other reasons than romantic teenager love! I'm quite familiar with the Thai-German "scene"* and I've seen it all: divorces, or new families with adopted kids running stable for 10+ years. I know more normal stories than newsworthy ones (but I count a calm divorce as normal, too).

There is no point in denying though that divorce is high among the cross-cultural (not exclusively Asian-European) marriages. Without fail, what happens is that those irreconcilable differences become apparent after the waiting period to obtain a German or Swiss passport is over.

I find there are objective factors that make a marriage likely to turn out well: 1. similarity in age and 2. having spent time in your significant half's country.

How is this relevant to the OP? I think he should take his time and not rush things, just to make sure.

offering the parents a holiday in Canada

That is a good idea but both China and Canada would oppose that, to my knowledge, for immigration law reasons.

*(don't judge me, not for the reasons you'd think, I'm a girl, not a 色狼 )

[Silent]

Yeah, I suspect the divorce / unhappy marriage statistics for cross-cultural, cross-linguistic couples who met on the Internet would say otherwise.

Agreed many marriages are not that happy, but also regular marriages are often not that happy if you look at divorce rates. Many of those people entering into international internet relationships have offerings/demands that result in a lack of succes at the 'regular' dating market at home. For most it's not out of luxury that they turn to the internet. On the internet they find people with different priorities/offerings and demands, that for the short term better matches theirs.

I've the impressions many of those marriages despite the divorce meet their goal. An exchange of money/citizenship for a maid/sextoy. Many, if not most, of the people entering into such relations are aware of the risks and accept the longer term risks for the shorter term gains or consciously choose to ignore the longer term.

[roddy]

That's a dark, cynical world you live in there, Silent.

[Lu]

I've the impressions many of those marriages despite the divorce meet their goal. An exchange of money/citizenship for a maid/sextoy. Many, if not most, of the people entering into such relations are aware of the risks and accept the longer term risks for the shorter term gains or consciously choose to ignore the longer term.

He's talking about love (his, not so much hers). Well, there are all kinds of love I guess. I suppose I replied with the idea of a loving, happy and understanding intercultural relationship in mind, with fairly good relations with both sets of in-laws and a daughter well-adjusted to her new home, but they might be aiming for a bottom line of not fighting too much, regular sex, no financial worries and a green card in a few years. Which is of course vastly preferable to no sex, no money and no greencard, so I kinda get it even if personally I can't relate. Although I'd argue that in the latter case, the OP still runs the risk of being fleeced by this lady. Ruben von Zwack has some wise words.

[Silent]

Although I'd argue that in the latter case, the OP still runs the risk of being fleeced by this lady.

Sure, this risk is always present even with complete strangers. A sour marriage/divorce/relationship has a high risk of (emotional) blackmail and lawsuits to fleece the counterparty. I'ld say however that in an international/intercultural relationship it's much easier to mitigate the risk. The difference in wealth and the statistics are very good reasons to bring up the subject of a prenup. If this results in resistence.....

[abcdefg]

This is no longer about the original poster's question, and I would imagine he has turned to some other forum composed of like minded people who won't question the wisdom his basic assumptions and overall strategy, to try and figure out the specific issue what gifts to buy the prospective in-laws when they have their first meeting.

I'm glad, however, that the discussion has continued as a thread about finding a prospective bride on-line in a distant country when the two of you don't speak the same language and the motives of one partner in the relationship most likely are different from those of the other partner. Such discussion can serve a useful purpose and the process is not at all rare.

As pointed out by others above, a large age difference is not a plus. I would think that a large educational gap also does not help things. How much one knows about the others culture is probably important.

I personally find it challenging enough to communicate clearly face to face with new Chinese friends even though I speak some Chinese and they often speak some English. Snafus are still rather common: "Oh, I thought you meant such and such. Why did you say it that way?"

Adding the additional layer of complexity and potential misunderstanding that using a dating site match maker/go-between/translator involves, or just trying to just figure it out via Google Translate must be terribly perplexing and frustrating. I've never tried the former, but I've tried Google Translate enough to know its severe limitations.

The road to love and marriage can at times be bumpy, (he strokes his long wispy gray beard and has a sip of Fujian Oolong from his Jingdezhen gaiwan) not only because of language differences, but because of cultural misunderstandings. Such things require a high modicum of intelligence and care to work through successfully. It's not always a piece of cake and the full commitment of both parties is required.

I've enjoyed reading the thoughts of other members on these and related issues.

[trix]

Thanks again for all the replies, no matter how useful they were to me. I don't have time to respond to everyone here, but I will try to clarify a few things.

I am a very romantic man (compared to most men anyway) so if I fall in love with someone, it will happen is a few hours or days, or will never happen. Chinese way of falling in love is different. As time goes by a Chinese woman's love will only grow (if she is really into her man). The concept of 'love at first site' is unfamiliar to them. This is why I said that after our first meeting I loved her more than she loved me. Lately, as she knew me better and understood my feelings, she became really involved and she can't wait our next meeting. Except for her daughter she already spoke with all her (big) family and after a certain 'surprise' they encouraged her to follow her heart.

She is not interested in a 'green card' (actually Canadian citizenship) and we still 'negotiate' if she is coming here or I am going there to live.

She has a very good job, money is not really important for her (or for me) because she has a Bohemian personality (just like me), she knows I don't own a house and I don't have a well paid job. Yes, you can laugh. We are both looking for love and any other matters are secondary. And I met/chat with at least 200 Chinese women before I found her. I could have been with rich women from SH or HK, who are already in Canada, have good jobs/businesses and speak English. They could provide a careless life for me. But as a romantic, I don't care about money. If my heart says 'no', I don't care how rich a woman is.

We come from different cultures and speak different languages. However, like a friend of mine says: anyone can learn English, but nobody can change his personality. Yes, it's not easy to use translators to communicate with each other, but we actually test our feelings in this way.

For those who don't believe in mixed marriages, statistics show the same rate of divorce for Caucasian-Asian as for the Caucasian-Caucasian.

Going back to the main topic, I asked her what to buy for the family. She came with some ideas like Canadian Ginger (more valuable than the Chinese one), Canadian souvenirs and a red envelope (she didn't say how much cash, but I suggested 1000RMB and she didn't say no). I also bought vitamins (Deep Sea Fish Oil with Omega 3 and Calcium/Magnesium) and she said it's a good idea. She is trying to 'save face' but she keeps on saying that I don't need to spend lots of money. She knows that the more I spend there, the less she will have available when she comes here.

I hope I clarified some things and I also hope that negative people will find other topics to 'contribute' to.

[li3wei1]

I'd go for 2000RMB in the red envelope. Even digits are more auspicious than odd ones. If you can't afford that, try 800, or 888.

[gato]

I wouldn't give cash. It's very tacky. Save cash gifts for occasions where cash gifts are more standard, like Lunar New Year, weddings, and funerals.

[Angelina]

Oh, I believe in mixed marriages. However, I also believe that you should know the person better before getting engaged. She said she has a good job, how much does she earn? 3000 RMB/month? Convert that into Canadian dollars and you will understand why she is interested in a guy like you who is not super rich.

She wanted Canadian ginger because Canadian ginger is more valuable than Chinese ginger, she wanted a red envelope? What does this say about her mindset?

Not all Chinese women are like this, but the ones you will meet on dating sites (and similar) are. Just go to Vancouver and meet someone in the old-fashioned way.

One more thing, here is an another documentary some guys from my country made http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1381269/ Our economy is that bad.

[gato]

Somebody didn't like my comment about cash being tacky? Why don't you take a look at what people recommend for gifts on Chinese websites, just so you don't believe everyone in China only cares about money?

http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/122928201.html

见未来丈母娘送什么礼物比较好？

http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/464965829.html

第一件见丈母娘，要包红包吗 不是上门

http://www.baidu.com/s?wd=%E7%BA%A2%E5%8C%85+%E4%B8%88%E6%AF%8D%E5%A8%98&rsv_bp=0&ch=&tn=baidu&bar=&rsv_spt=3&ie=utf-8&rsv_sug3=4&rsv_sug=0&rsv_sug1=1&rsv_sug4=1303&inputT=5536

[Lu]

The concept of 'love at first site' is unfamiliar to them.

Sorry, that's not really true. The term for it in Chinese is 一见钟情, 'falling in love at the first sight'. Perhaps your lady doesn't fall in love that way, which is fine of course.

The road to love and marriage can at times be bumpy, (he strokes his long wispy gray beard and has a sip of Fujian Oolong from his Jingdezhen gaiwan) not only because of language differences, but because of cultural misunderstandings. Such things require a high modicum of intelligence and care to work through successfully. It's not always a piece of cake and the full commitment of both parties is required.

And communication, communication, communication.

- Partner does annoying thing X.

- Bad: get angry at partner for annoying you.

- Good: ask partner why s/he does X. Listen to explation. Then explain to partner that you find X annoying and why, and discuss a way to stop X. Or, alternatively, realise that X is actually not a problem/quite sweet now you know the intention/whatever.

This becomes really, really difficult when you can't even understand the partner in question. Personality is great of course, but even with the best possible personality combination, you will run into difficulties and misunderstandings and you need to work that out if the relationship is going to work (as in, happy couple in love with each other). Which is why it's good that the OP's GF came with some suggestions for gifts, because if she couldn't even help him bridge that little cultural gap, that would not be good.

OP, I hope it works out for the both of you. I was not criticising for the sake of it, it just looked like a really bad idea from your first post.

[Guest realmayo]

Which is why it's good that the OP's GF came with some suggestions for gifts

I don't think would be extraordinary in any culture if, asked the question "what presents should I buy your family?" the response is initially a bit awkward -- it's little different from asking "what present should I buy you?" "Umm, I dunno...."

[Lu]

Yah, I get that. But on the other hand, isn't it pretty normal in many cultures, when you need to buy a present for someone you don't know (well) (yet) to ask the advice of someone who does know that person? If I had, say, a new father-in-law and it was his birthday, I'd ask my boyfriend for advice even if all parties involved were Dutch.

[Guest realmayo]

Definitely normal to ask advice, just saying I think it's normal to be initially hesistant about giving that advice.

[Silent]

I don't think would be extraordinary in any culture if, asked the question "what presents should I buy your family?" the response is initially a bit awkward -- it's little different from asking "what present should I buy you?"

To be honest I've to disagree on this. At least in the context of partners asking about presents for inlaws. The only way it may be awkward is if you don't really know what to buy and/or if you feel a gift above the the intended maximum budget should be given.

In the case of the OP I can however better understand that it's a bit awkward as there is no real relationship between the two and yes then it may feel a bit like "what present should I buy you". Or perhaps even "I feel you have to buy an expensive present but I feel I can't ask/am afraid you see me as a golddigger if I tell you to buy something expensive."

On the other hand, in this situation I would feel quite relaxed about the presents. Ask or they like booze/smoking/sweets/broidery/pottery/whatever and buy some local specialty from your own country/region. Unless of course you feel you have to bribe them with expensive presents but do you really want to set the (financial) expectations so high?