Appreciate quietly, criticize publicly?

[Xiao Kui]

A Chinese friend once used a phrase to describe how Chinese parents seldom praise their kids. It is something like appreciate quietly, criticize publicly. Does anyone know this phrase or idiom. Can anyone elaborate on it? Thanks!

[Xiao Kui]

I was able to ask a Chinese friend. it is 明明地责备，暗暗地欣赏. A good one to know!

[abcdefg]

An odd saying, or more to the point, an odd custom. Is it really true in your experience? Do parents do that?

 

I would think praising in public and criticizing in private would be a better strategy. Or maybe this is just specific to child rearing, and would not apply to a work situation.

 

Does a Chinese boss follow this maxim with his subordinates?

[skylee]

I think this saying is odd, in that I have never heard of it.  But it doesn't mean that people can't / don't say it.

[Xiao Kui]

a better translation might be "reprimand openly" rather than "criticize publicly". I think it can apply to both child rearing and work situations.  I've definitely experienced this in Chinese culture especially with Chinese bosses. I had two bosses that criticized my work all the time and then were surprised when I quit, telling me I was one of the best workers they'd ever had. I also learned that it was traditional for Chinese parents to call their kids ugly and stupid stemming back from a superstitious belief that if evil spirits heard them call a child beautiful or intelligent they would harm the child.  The tradition of calling kids by animal nicknames like rabbit, dog, etc.also apparently came from a similar fear that if Yama 阎王 knew you had a human child he would harm or kill it (i read this in a Chinese novel and I'm no expert at Chinese mythology) .  I'm sure that's not why Chinese parents withhold praise nowadays when it's probably more about spurring kids on to keep improving rather than rest on their laurels,  but it's an interesting hypothesis about a possible root to this kind of parenting style. 

[knickherboots]

In Beijing I often see parents lambasting their kids in public for various inadequecies and transgressions. However, the "public" part of the act is sometimes only incidental--the parents might not care that others are listening and watching. And, in fact, it's not behavior that draws the attention of others. Of course, there is an implicit message here: parents demonstrate their ability to control how their children are viewed by others. Well, they think that, though they are also sending a message about how they themselves are being viewed by others.

 

This mode reproduces itself in some workplaces.

 

The end result is kids and employees who are outwardly compliant, but inwardly somewhere on the spectrum between disengaged and resentful.

 

There's a fair amount of anxiety these days about boys becoming hopelessly spoiled, evidenced by a lot of pop-psychological chatter about how one should be harsher with boys and more indulgent with girls. This puts the traditional approach on its head. I even saw one commentator, apparently serious, saying that "Spoiling your son will destroy your own family, but spoiling your daughter will destroy someone else's family, so choose the latter."

[roddy]

Given the complete lack of Google results for 明明地责备，暗暗地欣赏, and that fact that it doesn't sound like a common Chinese phrase, I'm thinking your friend gave you a translation of what he thought you were trying to say, rather than anything Chinese people actually use. I don't know what the actual phrase would be though. 

[abcdefg]

The end result is kids and employees who are outwardly compliant, but inwardly somewhere on the spectrum between disengaged and resentful.

 

Interesting cultural observation. I'll have look for this process more closely when I return next month.

 

Seems to me that praise, when given to someone face to face, is most often deflected and denied. But I've always thought of that as a "modesty" issue.

 

"Your English is really good."

"Oh no. It's awful."

[Lu]

I've heard of that parenting style but can't remember where (Amy Tan novels?). Criticising your child in public can be an extension of the 'not at all, my Chinese is very bad' modesty, ie 'not at all, my child is actually both ugly and stupid'. If any praising is to be done, it makes sense to do so in private so as to not seem arrogant to others. But I do think that such parenting can mess up a child pretty badly.

[陳德聰]

I recognize the style of parenting, but I don't recognize the saying.

Here, it is a staple of "traditional" Chinese parenting to tell all of your friends and your relatives that your child is shittier at everything than theirs are, generally while your child is present. Hence criticize publicly.

"Appreciating quietly" is more like never openly praising for anything ever. If I had never been outside my own community I would have assumed that the way to say this is just "教养".