Chinese bromance

[anonymoose]

This topic cracks me up.

 

Whether this is normal or not in China really depends on what you define as "normal". Yes, it does happen, but no, I wouldn't say it's normal.

[yiersansiwo]

This sounds very interesting. I had no idea that in China men have such a different attitude. So in case it bothers someone, is it ok to tell a Chinese man that where I come from this is not considered "standard"? Or would that offend that someone?

[Kenny同志]

Being a young Chinese man, I do not intentionally touch any males nor do I like being touched by them. But it's just me, of course.

[Meng Lelan]

What's Chinese for "bromance"?

[tooironic]

基友？

[Lu]

 

So in case it bothers someone, is it ok to tell a Chinese man that where I come from this is not considered "standard"? Or would that offend that someone?

I think you can politely explain that in your country/culture men never do that, and therefore it's very strange to you and you cannot get used to it. If you put it under 'cultural differences' and not under 'that's so gay and I'm offended and creeped out', it should be fine: no face lost, the man in question can do his best to stop doing that, and you can both laugh a bit about cultural differences. If the man in question is offended, it's probably best to write off that particular friendship and find more understanding friends.

[Kenny同志]

What's Chinese for "bromance"?

 

It would be 斷袖之誼. haha

 

And the OP's friend can be considered to have 斷袖之癖. haha

 

By the way, these two terms come from classical Chinese and therefore may not be readily understandable to native speakers.

[muyongshi]

Doesn't that refer to an actual "gay" friendship rather a platonic but affectionate relationship?

[Kenny同志]

What is for certain is that 斷袖之癖 = 喜歡男人的癖好 but whether it involves sex or not cannot be known from the text (see below) from which the chengyu has originated.

 

《漢書·佞幸傳》：

 

「(董賢)為人美麗自喜，哀帝望見，悅其儀貌，寵愛日甚。出則參乘，入御左右。常與上卧地。嘗晝寢，上欲起，賢未覺，不欲動賢，乃斷袖而起，其恩愛至此。」

 

 

《聊齋誌異·黃九郎》

 

何師參，字子蕭，齋於苕溪之東，門臨曠野。薄暮偶出，見婦人跨驢來，少年從其後。婦約五十許，意致清越。轉視少年，年可十 五六，丰采過於姝麗。何生素有斷袖之癖，睹之，神出於舍；翹足目送，影滅方歸。次日，早伺之。落日冥濛，少年始過。生曲意承迎，笑問所來。答以「外祖 家」。生請過齋少憩，辭以不暇；固曳之，乃入。略坐興辭，堅不可挽。生挽手送之，殷囑便道相過。少年唯唯而去。生由是凝思如渴，往來眺注，足無停趾。一 日，日啣半規，少年歘至。大喜，要入，命館童行酒。問其姓字，答曰：「黃姓，第九。童子無字。」問：「過往何頻？」曰：「家慈在外祖家，常多病，故數省 之。」酒數行，欲辭去。生掉臂遮留，下管鑰。九郎無如何，頳顏復坐。挑燈共語，溫若處子；而詞涉游戲，便含羞，面向壁。未幾，引與同衾。九郎不許，堅以睡 惡為辭。強之再三，乃解上下衣。著袴臥床上。生滅燭；少時，移與同枕，曲肘加髀而狎抱之，苦求私暱。九郎怒曰：「以君風雅士，故與流連；乃此之為，是禽處 而獸愛之也！」未幾，晨星熒熒，九郎逕去。生恐其遂絕，復伺之，蹀躞凝盼，目穿北斗。

 

 

I made the term 斷袖之誼 based on 斷袖之癖.
 

[陳德聰]

I think if you are hosting that friend in your own country, it is not unreasonable to mention what the norms are for you and why it is interesting or uncomfortable or whatever.

PS. 断袖 means gay.

[skylee]

Can the OP use the "It's not you. It's me." tactic?

[geraldinho108]

For those asking (I'm the OP):

 

1. I'm heterosexual

2. My Chinese friend says he's hetero too (albeit the behavior being discussed here, which turns out to be a norm among Chinese men)

 

@skylee: I didn't do that because of fear I might offend him. He's my first mainland Chinese guy friend, so really not familar with their ways yet. Maybe the best (or worst) thing I did to get an answer was to ask him if he's gay (had the courage to ask that because of too much alcohol I think).

 

But really, based on the discussion and confirmation here, I say that we have a platonic relationship. Yes, surprisingly different from Western standards, but still platonic.

[roddy]

I'd also bear in mind that this guy is a) young and b) out of the country for quite possibly the first time. That's quite likely to result in a bit of culture shock and / or odd behavior. Maybe he'd be less physical back home (in the same way I always liked to think obnoxious drunk foreigners on the street in Beijing would be less obnoxious back home). Maybe he's nervous so he's acting a bit odd, maybe he is being a little over-friendly as he really really wants to be friends. Etc. 

[gato]

Maybe he doesn't want to admit he's gay, yet. Or maybe he's bi. The possibilities are endless. If you are into him, then go for it. If not, then give him some not so suble hints so he'll stop.

[Lu]

 

Can the OP use the "It's not you. It's me." tactic?

I'd try this tactic modified to 'It's not you, it's my cultural background'. Even if this guy is flaming gay or closeted or homesick, it'll be useful for him to know that he needs to be a bit less touchy-feely when abroad because regardless of why he does it, it can weird people out. And if he's not actually gay, he might not like the misunderstandings that ensue if he does this to someone who is.

[Meng Lelan]

What gato said in #34 is similar to what I was thinking of this situation too.