Introduction: Why I'm interested in Chinese.

[Lu]

 

Yeah, if I start off a bit slower with self-study, that will give me time to figure out how to get along with Chinese people so that I don't have to worry about offending them or anything when I do talk to one. All I know so far is that they care a lot about saving face (it kind of makes sense if you feel shame/embarrassment easily), and that they don't like the number four or the color white.

Chinese people don't bite, honest! And when you're a beginner, you'd have to try pretty hard if you want to make anyone but yourself lose face. When Chinese people see you're a foreigner who knows only a tiny bit of the language, they are unlikely to be offended if you get something wrong. Especially if it's a language exchange situation.

 

As to work: I'm glad my advice is useful, but a bit worried that you need it from a random person at the internet. Aren't there resources near you, some kind of find-a-job workshop, advisor for young people, courses for unemployed people on how to become employed, what does a good resume look like, something like that? It might be very useful for you to look into that. You're young and have lots of potential, but you need some advice on how to go about living up to that potential.

[sparrow]

Yes, Lu's advice about calling is very good. A lot of people are busy or have too many things to remember. Call back many times. Don't ever assume someone is trying to brush you off.
 

I'm glad my advice is useful, but a bit worried that you need it from a random person at the internet.

 

 

 

The internet is a great resource—and random people have a lot of good advice online. In fact, I personally feel it's one of the best sources of information as long as you're a little careful. It's also cheap and accessible from home.

 

Plus, job searching is daunting and the small tricks aren't always common sense—especially because what a lot of people think might be rude is just persistence and totally appropriate 99% of the time.

Edited December 13, 2013 at 05:56 PM by sparrow

[abcdefg]

I echo Lu's advice in post #41. Do not worry about offending Chinese people as a foreigner studying the language. In general they will cut you lots of slack.

 

Realize it's easy to say, but hard for you to do because of the nature of your disability, but the less worries you have about doing things slightly wrong, the better you will be able to interact and socialize.

[Jeremy Andrews]

I thought I should mention... I actually did manage to attend a meetup recently. They happened to start one within walking distance (although my Mom drove me there since it was so close), and it was located in this shopping center with a bunch of Chinese-related businesses.

The meetup was hosted by an Australian lady, and I had a good conversation with her. She seemed impressed at how much I know about the Chinese language, for a beginner. We spoke about the tones, tone sandhi, the way number is indicated in Chinese, and various things along those lines. A Chinese man she had invited joined us, and I reluctantly introduced myself with "wo shi Jeremy Andrews" despite being very unsure I was saying it right. After that, we mostly spoke in English about technology, Chinese car manufacturers, and the lack of decent mass transit in Texas.

I was fairly comfortable at the meetup once it started, but I am a little worried in other regards.

For instance, when I walked into the café, and only saw Asians (there were no other white people), I felt heightened anxiety. I felt a strong need to make an excuse for being there, so the first thing I did was buy something off the menu as quickly as I could, some kind of bubble tea which I didn't even know how to drink at first. I awkwardly fiddled with the aluminum lid trying to get it off, and the server finally came over and put a wide straw through the drink for me. I consumed the drink slowly, staring at the door and glancing at my watch. 17 minutes passed and I finished off the drink.

No longer having a drink to finish, and uncertain whether the group was going to show up, I felt like I needed to leave. But I did want to make sure they weren't already there and I had somehow missed them. So, I asked the lady at the counter if they knew the person organizing the meetup. She didn't, so I said that I must have gotten the wrong address, or that perhaps they cancelled without telling me. I thanked her for answering the question, complimented my drink, and then threw away the cup. I was preparing to call my Mom and walk outside when the Australian lady walked in.

When she came in, I felt relieved that I was no longer the only white person in the place. I was thinking to myself, "Now, maybe it's just a little odd to them that a couple of white people chose to meet here, but they know I have a valid reason for being here, that it may not have been my idea, and all the attention isn't going to be on me."

After the Chinese man she invited came in, I felt even better about the situation. I thought to myself, "Ah, perhaps it was his idea to meet here. Now it's just a situation where a Chinese man invited a couple of his white friends to a place where he enjoys spending time. Surely no one could have a problem with that? This whole thing could have been a lot less awkward if those two had been here first, and I had joined them."

In fact, until the Australian lady showed up, I kept hearing this little voice in my head telling me I didn't belong there. Also, during the course of the meetup, it was brought to my attention that most of the people in the café were Mandarin-speaking Taiwanese people. However, I would not have felt comfortable talking to ANY of them, except for the one the Australian lady introduced me to. In general, I only feel comfortable talking to people after I'm introduced to them by someone I know, unless of course I'm buying something from them.

So, now I'm wondering if my mindset is normal. Would most people worry about those things? Does it mean I'm slightly racist? Do you have any suggestions on how I could deal with such situations better in the future?

[Meng Lelan]

This is completely normal. No, this is not racist at all. Yes, most people worry about all those things you mentioned. If you had a fortune cookie the paper inside should read something along the lines of "you are off to a very good start".   

[Guest realmayo]

I think your mindset is normal, I think you are over-worrying about what are perfectly normal reponses to being in an unfamiliar situation and one where you are in the minority, i.e. not being Chinese, not being sure if you are doing things 'wrong', despite being in a shopping center near where you live. I am sure it doesn't mean you're racist. If you continue to go to these things, you will feel less awkward each time. That is as good as guaranteed.

[sparrow]

Just woke up to a cool story, bro. Sounds like an interesting experience. And I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal.

 

Don't worry about being the only non-Asian person somewhere. 99% of people are too busy with themselves to care that much. And if someone does care, then they should get a life—life's too short to spend worrying about ethnicity and who belongs where.

 

 

I don't think any of this means you're racist. You're shy and have some social anxiety. Welcome to the club. A lot of people feel this way—but perhaps you don't notice them because they often try to blend into the background. And everyone who is socializing, well they are the social ones, so they stick out. Squeaky wheel gets the kick (i.e. the attention), if you know what I mean.

 

If you were to go up to a random person sitting in a restaurant or cafe and start a conversation, a good portion of the time, that person won't mind. In fact, they might wish they had the courage to be that outgoing.

 

And if they have a problem with it, so what? People are starving and dying even in this country from poverty and so on, and someone has the nerve to be annoyed with a stranger making conversation? When you put it in perspective, it makes it easier to realize that it's not a big deal. However, that knowledge probably will not help the feelings of anxiety you experience. It's knowledge that will simply help you realize what is possible/appropriate/what you can get away with in terms of socializing.

 

One of the best ways to actually overcome these feelings of anxiety is to put yourself through the experience repeatedly. Your brain senses danger in these kinds of situations. Evolutionary Psychology has its explanations (as one hypothesis goes, if a caveman encountered an "unfamiliar tribe", the tribe might stone him or something), but that's besides the point. In reality, the social anxiety you experience is equivalent to actual pain—as if you actually felt injured. It triggers the same areas in your brain. It's real and it's not easy to deal with if you're not used to it.

 

However, when your brain experiences something repeatedly and discovers it's not harmful, your brain will feel less anxious. If you choose to, you can learn to feel more comfortable in these situations. And if a situation is awkward, oh well! Shrug it off and after awhile, you'll learn to get past or remove the awkwardness.

 

That really is the best advice: Don't over think—just act. Put yourself in these situations that make you uncomfortable. Your emotions should learn to cope.

 

 

(Note: This is just my advice on the matter, having gone through similar things myself. I am no doctor; I am no psychologist.)

[Lu]

- Feeling uncomfortable when you're the only white person among yellow people is very normal, and can easily be remedied: first, with practice, if you're often the only white person among people of colour, after a while it will be no different from being among a group of white people or people of various colours; and second, by getting to know a few of the people in the group, so that you're not the white guy among Asians, but it's you and Chien-kuo and Xiaoming and Meilin and a bunch of people you don't know (yet). So no need to worry, just keep at it.

 

- Feeling very uncomfortable when you're alone in a bar and don't know another soul: extremely normal. It's possible to learn to feel comfortable in a situation like that, but most people never do and just try to avoid that situation at all cost. The workaround often used is to bring a friend, or make sure someone you know is already there. If the Australian lady was nice, I hope you got her email or phone number, so next time you can call ahead to ask what time she's planning to be there.

 

All in all, give yourself a pat on the back, because you did very well. To recap some things you did right: going to the meetup; not running out of the cafe when you didn't know anyone there (I have done this); ordering a drink you had no experience with, and ending up figuring it out; using your Chinese to an actual Chinese person; generally having a good time once things got going.

 

You sound like you're being rather hard on yourself while actually you're doing fine. I hope there is another meetup nearby you soon!

[Meng Lelan]

Sparrrow's comments in #47 are absolutely awesome. Sparrow you should become a psychologist! What you wrote was almost exactly what my psychologist father of blessed memory would have responded to Jeremy's situation. 

[sparrow]

Lu wrote:

All in all, give yourself a pat on the back, because you did very well. To recap some things you did right: going to the meetup; not running out of the cafe when you didn't know anyone there (I have done this); ordering a drink you had no experience with, and ending up figuring it out; using your Chinese to an actual Chinese person; generally having a good time once things got going.

 

You sound like you're being rather hard on yourself while actually you're doing fine. I hope there is another meetup nearby you soon!

 

Yes, this times a million. Focus on the positive. It sounds cheesy, but it's not: As with anything, spend a little bit of time on what you need to fix, but really focus on the good because that's a strong source of motivation.

 

As Lu said, not bailing out and having the balls to stick around when you felt massively awkward took courage; a lot of people would have left. Being the first person to a gathering, or being alone in a social space, is one of the most awkward experiences for anyone. Probably it's only one out of a thousand or more people who can feel totally comfortable like that and just make new friends like it's nothing.

 

@Meng Lelan:

Thanks! That's quite a compliment. I'm studying Engineering, but a part of me wishes I would just go for Psychology or Chinese. I mean, damn! Physics? Calculus? CHEMISTRY? *pulls hair out* What am I thinking? It's so interesting, though...

 

But I often read psychology, development, and education stuff for fun when I have free time.

[Jeremy Andrews]

Thanks, guys. I appreciate all the support and encouragement.

I guess I don't really have an idea of what's considered "normal" in most situations, because I'm not around people other than family members, bank tellers, and cashiers very often.

I'm sure it would be very different if I knew them. I'm most comfortable around people I know regardless. I think my anxiety was actually due to standing out in the situation, which is something I usually try to avoid.

On the other hand, I am fairly used to feeling like an outsider. I got used to taking a table by myself and putting my nose in a book in school, and that's pretty much governed my approach to life ever since. This was just the same situation taken to a new level, with me being a visible outsider rather than just a technical one.

I'm fascinated by psychology as well, actually. I often take personality tests like MBTI (INFJ) and Enneagram (Type 9). I love Jungian psychology in particular.

I'll keep on trying to attend these meetups and interacting with people.

[sparrow]

Sweet. I hope you get a lot out of it!

[Lu]

 

On the other hand, I am fairly used to feeling like an outsider.

I was thinking of this as well. You're probably more used to being uncomfortable and therefore perhaps better at dealing with it, which can be a useful skill and probably helped you in not fleeing the cafe. But since you seem to already have practiced this quite a bit, now it's time to practice being social :-)

 

Being more comfortable around people you know well is, again, very normal. This is why people like to hang out in groups of friends and even when they meet new people, they prefer doing so when among people they already know.

 

Keep at it, both the Chinese and the social practice, and let us know how it goes!

[sparrow]

Lu makes a really good point.

 

For a similar perspective, you can look at how people from the same culture tend to congregate together—Little Italy, Chinatown, Koreatown, etc. Chinese kids at school often hang with other Chinese kids, and so on. Even if the other people are strangers, sharing a common culture makes them feel more comfortable. Students make social clubs based on the same idea too—Anime Club, etc.

 

In a sense, the things you are feeling are normal and happen with everyone to some degree. But it's nice to be able to feel comfortable with people you may not be familiar with or share an obvious common interest with. 

[歐博思]

I want to compare this situation overall with riding a rollercoaster. For me, the first time was terrifying - my mom said i looked ready to pass out by the top of the first hill. But once we crested that first drop and things started getting naturally i actually started to really enjoy myself. Nowadays, physcing myself up on that first ascent is part of the game, and something i look forward to even.

 

Chinese is the same. Like you i too was hesitant to go out, climb that first hill and even think about using Chinese at some social gathering. Now, i can look forward to situations like this. I'm also far from a social butterfly - outgoing introvert at best. Just takes time. 

 

For now i recommend aiming for "small victories", i.e., one meeting you'll talk English the majority of the time just focusing on making friends, and maybe you could exchange phone numbers in Chinese (confirm in English at first of course   ), etc.

[Sixpenny]

Don't get discouraged. I learned Spanish just before I turned 30. My native tongue is English. You just have to continue to practice it even if your just talking to yourself. I have four children. I would speak to them in Spanish, and now they have picked it up and speak it too to my surprise Everytime I went to a Mexican restaurant, I would state that I knew a little Spanish and to my surprise again I would do a good job. I even gained a great friend. Every once in a while there might be a misunderstanding that had to be explained better because I knew the "Spain" spanish compared to their "Latin American". I love the reasons why you want to learn Chinese. Good luck to you...sounds like you're going to do an amazing job