Uncomfortable living situation with housemate

[Demonic_Duck]

It seems like recently I've got myself into an unfortunate situation with one of my housemates, and no matter what I say she doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm not sure whether to put it down to "cultural differences" and/or the "language barrier" (she doesn't speak any English) or whether it's simply that I'm a socially backward idiot who's put his foot in his mouth. Either way, I'm looking for advice, and I hope I'm not out of line asking for it in this particular forum.

 

Basically, the situation started when she wrote me an extremely passive-aggressive note about using the bathroom, using an excessive amount of exclamation marks. I was more than a little upset about this, as it seemed her main gripe was me not drying the floor after a shower (which she'd never mentioned to me as an issue before), despite the fact that her own bad habits include leaving cigarette butts and/or matted hair on the floor/in the toilet. Any rate, I rashly took the next opportunity to have a go at her about it and raised my voice a bit (I didn't feel I was acting any more "aggressively" than the passive-aggressiveness in her letter, but I guess that's subjective). Since then, she's been more than a little "off" with me, avoiding talking to me, and whenever I try to address the issue she either pretends it's not there or makes up a half-assed excuse ("I'm resting, don't disturb me").

 

The situation came to a head the other day when I tried for the Nth time find out what the problem was and she evaded me once again, after which I got angry and flung a few choice curse words around. Once she finally talked to me, she claimed that she was "scared" of me. This seems a little absurd to me as I've never hurt anyone in my life, but I guess she's not to know that, as far as she knows I'm just some tall weird foreign guy with a tattoo.

 

The whole situation makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. At the moment, in the house there's just me, her and one other female housemate, who's good friends with her. The other housemate is very nice and seems sympathetic to me, but ultimately if the first girl continues to antagonise me it feels very much like it's them vs. me. As a foreigner in China far away from friends and family, I feel like at the very least I need to feel comfortable in my own home, and at the moment I can't be. Basically, all I want is to make peace with this girl, but at the moment she won't hear me out. I'm at my wits' end. Anyone have any advice or similar experiences? Is there some particular cultural taboo I've unknowingly broken? What can I do to fix the situation? Or should I just resign myself to 9 more months of awkwardness?

[gato]

Basically, the situation started when she wrote me an extremely passive-aggressive note about using the bathroom, using an excessive amount of exclamation marks. I was more than a little upset about this,  I rashly took the next opportunity to have a go at her about it and raised my voice a bit (I didn't feel I was acting any more "aggressively" than the passive-aggressiveness in her letter,

 

Why don't you talk to the second girl to mediate for you?  You shouldn't have raised your voice and cursed her out over a few extra exclamation marks!!!  But what is done is done.  So be a man and let her know that you are sorry for yelling at her!!!

[Demonic_Duck]

I've already said sorry and that I want to make amends, but she doesn't want to listen. I've also explained the situation to the other housemate, who again, seems sympathetic, but I don't think she's going to act as a mediator.

[roddy]

I'm not replying to you now, Gato. You're scaring me.

I kind of think anyone who's leaving cigarette butts on the floor isn't going to be the most reasonable of people, so I wouldn't expect great results. But I can see how someone you don't know very well, from a different culture (who knows WHAT they might do), raising their voice and cursing could seem kind of intimidating.

I'd leave my own note, maybe addressed to both, saying sorry if you were rude / aggressive, it won't happen again. You'll try and dry off the bathroom floor, but also could you not leave cigarette butts / hair there either. Then give them (or at least the problem one) some space - be civil, but don't try and be friends at the moment. [edit - you posted as I did, but basically just say the above then leave it. You might just need to have a roommate you don't talk to much for a while]

The raising of the voice and cursing - well, it happens, but really it shouldn't. And what might have looked like trying to sort the problem out to you might have looked to her like you were hassling her.

[Demonic_Duck]

Yes, I admit I have problems too. My problem is, I can't stand leaving things unresolved, even when that ends up making them worse. Her problem is, she won't even try to resolve problems where there's the chance of conflict (before, when we were on good terms, she literally hid in her room and pretended not to be there when the woman from next door came to talk about her making too much noise, leaving me to deal with her).

 

Having a housemate who's a bit childish, talks loudly late at night and leaves cigarette butts on the floor, I can deal with. Having two housemates who will barely talk to me, and feeling like a prisoner in my own room when they're talking outside, I can't. Any rate, Roddy, your advice makes a lot of sense. I'll bite my tongue for the time being, and leave her a note in a couple of days.

[Lu]

Good advice from Roddy. Looks like you'll have to practice not resolving issues. There's no cultural difference going on here, just a foreign guy (with a tattoo) cursing at a Chinese girl who has already proven she'll go as far as hide in her room to avoid any kind of confrontation. Perhaps she'll grow up and learn to face problems at some point, but probably not soon enough for this particular conflict. In the end, what might work is just pretending there is no problem. Don't seek her out to talk it out, just be polite when you see her, perhaps when she sees no further confrontation is forthcoming she'll thaw a bit. And dry the bathroom floor if you can, might as well try and be a good roommate even if she isn't always.

[Shelley]

I am assuming that there is nothing more between the three of you than just being house mates. Did you choose each other or was it some random arrangement.

 

If it is just a random group then my advice would be chin up and ignore her (you don't need this kind of hassle, you are better than this)

 

Be civil with the other one, don't use her as a mediator, you don't know where her true loyalties lie, she may not be your best ally.

 

People hate to be ignored. its works better than all the cajoling and persuading you might try.

 

One day she may realize that you are ignoring her and this may make her want to talk to you when this happens allow her to speak to you and then say I am going to consider what you have said and I may have an answer for you later. keep her waiting just that little bit longer than it needs to be and then calmly tell her your side of things.

 

Then take it in small steps from there, as long as she knows that you are not bothered by her actions she may stop doing it as it may be being done to annoy you.

 

If on the other hand you are long time friends then maybe the strength of your friendship will show through and this petty rubbish will be resolved.

 

This may take some time, weeks , months or maybe just a few days.

 

Of course this is only my humble advice and you must consider all the factors that I know nothing about that may make my advice rubbish.

[Demonic_Duck]

We're not old friends or anything, living arrangement is more like "random people thrown together", before all this crap we were on pretty good terms though. The other housemate is, as I say, very nice, but I have no doubts about where her loyalties lie (she's better friends with the other girl, but I think she'd rather be on friendly terms with us both). And I've definitely been making sure to mop the floor lately, that wouldn't even have been an issue in the first place if she'd just had a quiet word with me about it.

[Shelley]

On a slightly different note, why do you have to mop the floor after a shower? Maybe something needs fixing/rearranging?

 

No need to mop floors after I use my shower.

 

Maybe fixing the problem will also show you are making an effort, no words needed just fix it quietly and see if anyone notices

[Ruben von Zwack]

edit:

on second thought - of course I wasn't there and I'm just speculating, but if you have made clear + said many times that you were sorry - do you think it's possible that she's acting a bit, to teach you a lesson?

[Guest realmayo]

Box of chocolates & a note saying sorry for the cultural differences, I was too direct, hope we can be friends again ............. dents your pride but for me that's a reasonable price to pay for flatmate harmony, you can both blame mythical cultural differences and move on.

[Jeremy Andrews]

I can sympathize a bit. I don't really see this as an issue with Chinese culture. There are a lot of people even here in the US who will become afraid of you if you so much as raise your voice. Mostly women, but not always.

 

The thing I've learned is, once you lose your temper, you've automatically lost the argument and most people will see you as being in the wrong, whether you originally had a point or not. The bad behavior of yelling outweighs everything else, basically. It stresses people out and makes them feel threatened/paranoid. It's a big deal to a lot of people, and many of them just can't "get over it."

 

The thing about people like this is, they deny their anger and it comes out in weird ways. So, they unconsciously try to cast the other person in the role of the aggressor by provoking them in minor ways. If you let them do this, they get to play out being a victim of your aggressive nature and sulk around asking why people can't be more accommodating and peaceful.

 

I probably would have handled the situation a bit differently. Instead of directly confronting her, I would have apologized and started mopping the floor. But then, I would have left HER a note similar to her own, regarding her cigarette butts and matted hair (even if I didn't actually care about them). If confronted about that, I would calmly say something like, "Now that I know cleanliness is important to you, I thought I should call your attention to that."

 

Generally, it's better to plan these things out carefully, than to just act. It takes quite a bit of diplomacy to deal with some people.

[skylee]

I guess she is a Libra.    As you are random people thrown together, I agree with Shelly (and roddy) that you don't need to befriend her. Being polite and reasonable is enough. You can say sorry only so many times. She might sulk longer than you think is humanly possible.

[sparrow]

Oh, snap. I second buying her a box of chocolates to go with your note like realmayo suggested. That is very classy and will make you feel good, even if she's still being stand-offish.

 

It will also make the third roommate think you're really awesome.

[anonymoose]

I had a similar problem a few years ago where I was housed together with an Irish guy. Basically he was an uncouth slob who left empty beer bottles and dirty smelly ashtrays all over the place. The floor was sticky from his beer spills, and the bathroom always was wet with his shavings smattered over the basin.

 

We ended up ignoring each other for the most part for the year we were housed together. I don't think that his slovenliness would have changed much for the better, but if I were in that situation again, at least I would try harder to be on better terms. Some things you can't change, but at least you can make the best of a bid situation.

 

I go with the chocolates suggestion above. But it does sound like a pretty skanky flatmate you have there.

[Sinofaze]

Are you sure those ciggie-butts were from her? I could be wrong, but I've never seen any Chinese female- young or old- smoke here. I wonder- could they be from her (male) friend or from workmen? Perhaps, even from the land-lord (privacy is non-existent in China, as you may know).

 

Her note about mopping the floor sounds reasonable (exclamtions aside!). Wet shower floors are very dangerous as I myself have found out quite a few times.

 

Did you confront her about the note in front of other people? If so, this could very well be the source of exasperation between you both as she may have "lost face." That was my mistake in arguements with Chinese, where I should have aproached disgreements in private.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the advice of buying gifts as an apology as I think it means something else cultrually.

 

I don't think you have any room to maneuver here, regardless of her being scared of you or just trying keep "face." Instead, I think you should adopt a consistent persona of a "happy, chatty" room-mate that's always equally pleased to see her as well as everyone else. Don't get drawn into any possible confrontations. If they do occur, just smile and laugh at her- that is what I see Chinese people do. If you're having a bad day, hide it away from her so as not to give her any edge over you.

 

I know all this is easier said than done. But if you keep it up, she will warm to you if she is 'scared' of you or will lose her power-trip, if that is indeed the case. Remember, time is a great healer and you will need both room-mates on your side when it comes to collecting your deposit.

[sparrow]

@Sinofaze

 

You're right—it's rare for Chinese girls to smoke. However, I met several girls who smoked while I was living in China, mostly under 35. They tend to be a bit rebellious.

 

Also, I think that Western culture has spread so much to China these days that gift giving as an apology appears/good will in sitcoms, so it should be understood—especially if it's accompanied by a written note with those sentiments.

[Sinofaze]

@Sparrow

 

Rebellious, you say??! Ah! Well, there's your edge over her right there, @Demonic_Duck.

 

"Wow!! You're SMOKING??! you must have SUCH understanding parents.....that is...if they already know?"

 

...that sort of thing. You get the idea.

[sparrow]

@Sinofaze

...you are evil. 

 

High-five.

[Sinofaze]

@Sparrow

 

谢谢。你很亲切。