Chinese lady harrassing tech admin/ex-boyfriend. Advice?

[Jeremy Andrews]

This is about a situation on another website that I'm involved in.

Okay, at one point our tech admin was in a relationship with a Chinese girl who was on our staff. Things turned sour between them, and he left for a while due to being depressed. When he came back, we found out that the Chinese girl was sending him threatening e-mails to stay away from the site or she'd keep bothering him, and he feels so upset every time he sees her name that we can't even say it in front of him, so you can imagine how painful this is.

I've had issues with this lady myself, as she tends to get herself inserted into situations she has no place in, like getting herself appointed Administrator and then not using that power to benefit anyone except her associates. She does nothing useful at all, and does not belong on staff, but feels she deserves that status. She also once spammed and trolled another website I was part of, incorrectly calling one of our staff members a pedophile due to having once been involved with him.

Now, this Chinese lady has already stepped down from her staff position to follow her new boyfriend, and is not active at all in the community anymore, but she has continued sending these threatening e-mails to the former tech admin who wants to return. She also only returns to post normally when she finds that he is back and will see her posts, as if she just wants to make him wince at returning and let him know he's being watched. She even laughs about doing it to her friends, some of whom have told us.

Now, my opinion is that this lady is acting completely unreasonably, and I've wanted to get rid of her for a long time, even though she hasn't technically broken any rules, and we're not supposed to hold people accountable for what they've done on other sites. I've always felt she was trouble.

Now, she has caused so much conflict and disorder that we're becoming desperate for a solution, and we've considered banning her so that she can't see the site at all anymore or come and post to make him uncomfortable, despite her technically staying within the rules. However, one thing that people keep bringing up is that she's Chinese, that we might get accused of cultural insensitivity if we do anything, and we don't have any other people who know Chinese culture well enough to tell us whether this is the case. A Japanese man we know told us "this is how Chinese women act, don't make an issue of it," but I'm skeptical as to how objective he is.

That's why I'm here now. I'm asking if there's anything in Chinese culture that would explain why she's acting this way, and how we could get her to stop harassing her ex-boyfriend/tech admin. Is she trying to send some kind of message we don't understand?

If there's any way we could convince her to stop doing this, it would be appreciated. The site itself is falling apart because most of the remaining staff don't have the tech skills to fix or upgrade things, so we need that tech admin back, although no one else seems willing to admit that yet.

At the very least, it would be helpful to have some evidence that my issues with her behavior don't make me racist, and that how she's acting wouldn't be acceptable in China either.

[renzhe]

That's why I'm here now. I'm asking if there's anything in Chinese culture that would explain why she's acting this way

In my opinion: no.

Keep in mind that you don't know the whole story either, so any speculation is difficult. She sounds like a regular sociopath.

[Jeremy Andrews]

Keep in mind that you don't know the whole story either, so any speculation is difficult. She sounds like a regular sociopath.

I actually do have other details, but I don't want to get too specific, because some of it is so messed up that it might get people talking about individual things she did rather than the overall situation. Also, it might give away the identities of the people involved.

But I will say that I think she's a sociopath. Her behavior reminds me of another such person I knew.

[Shelley]

Having read some of your other post and being aware of your difficulties with social situations, do you really think you should get involved with some other peoples mess?

 

I know its hard but their is probably is no action you can take apart from barring her or perhaps limiting her access to things.

 

The very best thing I think but also the very hardest is ignore her, it is only text on a screen it can't leap out and hurt you. As you are aware her behaviour is bad you know her words are coming from a bad place so are not worth worrying about. The more she gets reactions the more she will do it. IGNORE HER

 

Worst comes to worst everybody else leave the site and move to new one and hope she doesn't follow.

 

Change the ex boyfriends nick and logon stuff so she doesn't know when he is on the site.

 

Use your brains and do not give in to stupid intimidation and come up with solution.

 

Good luck

[Ruben von Zwack]

I got a feeling like sometimes people try so hard to be culturally sensitive and not-racist, that I can't quite tell apart the result from racism. I mean that White Man's Burden sort of "benevolent" racism.

Anyone remember the question about disappearing flower pots in New York? Why the heck would [insert odd behaviour] be part of Chinese culture?

[Jeremy Andrews]

The problem is that I'm ALREADY involved...

I mean, this situation is kind of destroying a community, and their behavior has already driven off several of my friends. I've been thinking of leaving that community myself.

I was mostly asking because I wanted to make sure there wasn't any kind of cultural communication issue, and because she and her current boyfriend goes around telling people I'm racist because someone told him that I don't like how she acts.

I kind of doubted that there was a simple solution, but I just wanted to make sure.

People are telling me that I should probably leave the community anyway, and that they think it's basically a cesspool now. I really don't see much point in staying, the guy in charge doesn't care about any of the problems on there and has been letting people leave over it for a year now.

Anyone remember the question about disappearing flower pots in New York? Why the heck would [insert odd behaviour] be part of Chinese culture?

In our case, it's because a Japanese guy said this is how Chinese women act, and everyone believes him. That's one reason why that guy and his girlfriend are able to call me a racist and be believed.

[gato]

Now, she has caused so much conflict and disorder that we're becoming desperate for a solution, and we've considered banning her so that she can't see the site at all anymore or come and post to make him uncomfortable

No need to over-think this. It's just a website. Just do it! It's not like you are a heart surgeon and one slip of the knife can kill the patient.

[Demonic_Duck]

Agree with gato. Is there any particular reason not to ban her? People get banned from websites all the time for every reason under the sun, and it's not the end of the world when they do. Just because she hasn't broken the letter of the website's rules, whoever runs the site has jurisdiction over when to ban people, and it sounds like there is good reason to do so here.

[Lu]

I've heard stories like this about Chinese women. But most Chinese women are more reasonable, fortunately, and even if it were a Chinese thing, you don't want to ban her for being Chinese, you want to ban her for harrassing her ex. Even if all Chinese women would do this (quod non), you can still outlaw it on your website. A website is not a democracy. (Similar to the flower pot problem. Even if digging out flowers was normal in China (which it isn't), it isn't in the US and the lady needed to learn that sooner rather than later.)

 

The most obvious thing to do is to ban the hell out of her and advice your tech admin to block her email address in all his email accounts. What do you mean she hasn't broken any rules, she's stalking one of your members, is that allowed on your website? It sounds like there are some specific things that she has done that are clearly objectionable (accusing someone of being a pedophile), and if not, send her one warning to stop harrassing the tech admin or else. Or simply change the rules to make harrassing others a bannable offense. And then ban her.

 

Good luck, also to your tech admin. Sucks to be in a situation like that.

[renzhe]

In our case, it's because a Japanese guy said this is how Chinese women act, and everyone believes him. That's one reason why that guy and his girlfriend are able to call me a racist and be believed.

Nah, it's assuming that all Chinese women are psycopaths that's racist. And misogynist at the same time.

[dwq]

we found out that the Chinese girl was sending him threatening e-mails to stay away from the site or she'd keep bothering him

 

 

That sounded like a reason you can use to ban her if he came back as an admin and she starts harassing him directly.

If she's just posting normally on the site and he feels threatened, though, would it be that he's just a tad too sensitive?

 

Any reason you can't ask him to come back under another account / alias?

[Jeremy Andrews]

That sounded like a reason you can use to ban her if he came back as an admin and she starts harassing him directly.

If she's just posting normally on the site and he feels threatened, though, would it be that he's just a tad too sensitive?

Any reason you can't ask him to come back under another account / alias?

The complicated thing is that she's harassing him via e-mail and Skype (which all of the staff are required to have/use), and she somehow keeps finding him when he joins under an alias or something. The guy in charge feels it's not his problem because the harassment isn't technically taking place ON the site. She's abusing a loophole and getting away with it.

The thing is, she almost never shows up unless he's around, and then she sends him an e-mail telling him she's watching him before she starts posting normally. She doesn't even try to hide this, she thinks it's funny and she's proud of what she does. Some people have even started to think she's "cool," and that no one should have a problem with this kind of behavior.

I'm not sure how long a ban would last, anyway, because people who have trolled the site, insulted members, and posted offensive images often got "permanently" banned, only to be allowed back a year later because their friends pushed for it, and he unfortunately believes in twelfth chances. Not only does it take a lot to get in trouble, it doesn't take very long to get out of trouble either. The best example is this guy who has been "permanently" banned six times over the past four years, but is always allowed to come back after 6 months to a year based on some kind of excuse or apology and the help of his friends.

At this point, I'm more worried about myself and the smear campaign going on against me because someone told them what I said about her in private.

You know, the more I hear myself talk, the more convinced I am that I should have left when my friends did...

[Demonic_Duck]

Yep, sounds like that community has some issues of its own... admin doesn't give a crap, users think that harrassment and libel are cool...

[Touchstone57]

Is there any thing stopping him from not communicating with her? I believe with email and Skype you can very easily 'not' communicate with someone. Block their email address, block them on Skype. If you ban her from the website also, there shouldn't be a problem with harassment?

[Lu]

That sounds like it was a bad community already even before the harrassment of your friend. Perhaps start a new one and invite the cool people who left to that? And I'd recommend your friend the tech admin to block her on skype and everywhere else. That at least he doesn't need the website for. Don't know which country you are in and how feasible it is, but he might even go to the police to report she's stalking him.

 

Good luck.

[Jeremy Andrews]

Is there any thing stopping him from not communicating with her? I believe with email and Skype you can very easily 'not' communicate with someone. Block their email address, block them on Skype. If you ban her from the website also, there shouldn't be a problem with harassment?

As long as he stays off of staff and only communicates with a few people, he's fine doing this. But if he rejoins, someone inevitably tells the woman his new info so she can mess with him again. There are just too many people loyal to her who can get to his info.

 

That sounds like it was a bad community already even before the harrassment of your friend. Perhaps start a new one and invite the cool people who left to that? And I'd recommend your friend the tech admin to block her on skype and everywhere else. That at least he doesn't need the website for. Don't know which country you are in and how feasible it is, but he might even go to the police to report she's stalking him.

Actually, I did try that on two separate occasions. The first time, this lady and her friends found it and spammed the heck out of it, and it demoralized everyone so they left.

The second time, it almost worked out, but people didn't like my management style. I always emphasized that I wanted everyone to work together in a collaborative rather than competitive way, and that I wanted everyone to follow certain principles rather than just doing whatever seemed expedient to them.

The loudest protester was this one girl who kept shouting about "valuing her individuality" and religion. She was upset that I expected things of people based on their social role, that I looked down on people doing things to gratify their own ego rather than working for the common good, and that I often made assumptions about people and grouped them based on their behavioral patterns, as well as who their friends/associates were. She thought that was wrong... although the assumptions were usually right.

In contrast, my strongest supporters were a couple of intelligent men who I always had long conversations with about technology, how intellectuals are undervalued, the absurdity of corporate personhood and intellectual property, etc.

[Lu]

...Perhaps just start a private facebook group or something? And not allow anyone on there that you don't know is reliable?

 

Or just stay in this forum, the most comfortable one you've ever run into :-)