How are Chinese guys as flat mates?

[Ruben von Zwack]

大家好！

 

there will be a Chinese (mainland) guy moving in as new flat mate at my place. I have mostly had female flat mates before, as I'm female too. And even though I know many Chinese women from everywhere between Heilongjiang and Singapore, I realised I have never really socially interacted with Chinese guys.
 

There was once a Taiwanese guy, a friend of a friend, staying at my place for 2 weeks, but he was so awkward, he almost ran away every time we accidentally met in the kitchen.

Now I know individual differences are so big, they can be bigger than culture differences and gender differences. But still, I am a bit - well, worried is not the right word. But I want to be prepared and make everything right!

I am aware that "how are Chinese guys as flat mates?" is a wildly generalising question, but... I can't help it!

Do you have any words of advice for me?

[gato]

Have you met? How did he become your flatmate?

[Ruben von Zwack]

No, we haven't, there is an online board for rooms and flat shares, which is the most common way to find a room or flat mate in my town. I applied some basic criteria (has lived away from home before (so won't ask me how to make a hard boiled egg - I hope ;) ), looking for exactly the 4 months I would like to rent out that room, and exactly in my part of town) and he seemed "good", we exchanged a few mails and he seems nice, that's all I know so far. He is currently in China visiting his parents, then off to start a job in my town, so we will meet in person the day he moves in, the weekend before he starts his new job.

[keitha]

I have lived together with a few guys in Beijing. From my experience they felt a little bit distant/shy. I never felt that they invaded my privacy. I do know that some people consider swedes to be too "cold" and distant though. 

[gato]

Shouldn't you meet him in person first before deciding whether to become flatmates? It seems a little risky. What if he turns out to be really annoying? You can't necessarily tell what people are like by email. It's hard to tell sometimes even with a face-to-face meeting.

[Ruben von Zwack]

I'm not so worried about the meeting in person part. It is quite normal here. And sometimes my judgement is not good. I think I can look back on a fair balance of people who I hadn't met before, and who turned out to be wonderful, and others who I met in person and thought they were perfect and easy to get along with, but then things didn't go so well over the course of weeks and months.
I got to this town myself that way, crashing into a flat share where I had never met anyone before. But in case there is a real problem, I always have the deposit, and the right to cancel the lease.

 

 

One big difference was the lack of will to clean the bathroom and the kitchen (both men and women).

 

That is quite noticeable, yeah. I have met some people who did it, but that is the exception.

I wonder - are Chinese who get to study and live with foreigners from such wealthy homes, so they have maids at home? Or does the Mom just do everything, no matter how old the "children" are? Current flat mate is 30 and had never changed bed sheets herself before.

[HSY]

It's quite hard to say for sure Chinese guys are like or how they would act. It all depends on the individual, really. :S I guess all you can do is get to know him and see what you can do from there.

[Ruben von Zwack]

Oh ok, I guess it's not clear what I am trying to ask.

 

To give an example of what I mean: in China, last autumn, in the hostels, I seemed to notice that the guys were shuffling around in their pyjamas and long underpants and didn't mind that girls could see that. It was kind of (secretly) amusing for me, as I haven't seen that before.

 

In the train, when I was brushing my teeth, an older Chinese guy came in (accidentally), seemed surprised, but then proceeded to brush his teeth and wash his face.

 

So my impression is, there is not much "gender segregation" among Chinese, and people aren't too formal. But I could be wrong.

 

Most Chinese girls that I know leave their, ugh, used, monthly hygiene stuff lying about, which is quite taboo for where I live. I assume they wouldn't do that when a guy can see it, but again I may be wrong.

 

I was thinking for example I should discreetly put everything "feminine" away, in order not to embarrass "the new guy". But maybe I worry too much.

[陳德聰]

I think if you just adhere to what your standards of flatmate etiquette are, but don't expect them to do all those things too, you'll be fine. You won't offend or alienate, and then if you have issues you can just politely engage in conversation about those issues to help the guy know how you feel.

[Lu]

Given that he already has experience living away from home and living by himself, and perhaps even living with Germans or other foreigners, there's a good chance he won't be too sensitive. But you're in your country, right? And he knows he's going to live with a German woman. So within reasonable limits, you should be able to be yourself and do your own stuff in your own house. I wouldn't take all the feminine stuff out of the bathroom, as long as you keep it clean to a standard you're both comfortable with. And Chen Decong's advice is good I think, if there is an issue, bring it up and talk it out. If something bothers you, don't immediately chalk it up to something cultural that you just have to deal with to avoid offending him. (And if something amuses you, just... be amused, I suppose :-) )

[anonymoose]

Or does the Mom just do everything, no matter how old the "children" are?

 

Yes.

[Ruben von Zwack]

 

Thank you for reassurance, everyone! I guess I should just relax and look forward to the new experience. Which is why I started the flat share in the first place, anyway.

[deremifri]

about the "not so much gender segregation" part:

universities usually have segregated dormitories. Where I lived, a guy was not even allowed to enter the female dormitory.

[JustinJJ]

I think it's very hard to generalise but here's my experience:

 

• In Beijing I lived in a four bedroom apartment occupied by 5 girls and I. It was almost as though I lived in a one bedroom studio since I did no cooking in the shared kitchen, my room had an ensuite and I almost never saw the other tenants. There was no lounge room (probably a 中介 conversion) so no real place for interaction. Not ideal from an immersion point of view, but they other tenants gave me no disruptions whatsoever. We really only talked when there was a problem, e.g. a black out, needing to pay for bills, etc.

• In Sydney I have just moved into a place with two Chinese couples. My room does not have an ensuite so I'm sharing with another one of the couples. Although everyone in the house seems fine as people, relatively nice, sociable, etc, unfortunately the couple I'm sharing the bathroom with have a completely different standard of hygiene to me. i.e. after using the toilet, it's not left in a usable state, due to one of them sometimes forgetting to flush, or not using the toilet brush when it's needed. I'm assuming it's the male as I find it hard to believe a female could be like that, but who knows! Luckily they are moving out in a few days time and one 辣妹子 is moving in (not a couple), so I'm hoping she will be much cleaner than the couple here at the moment!

I think it just comes down to what people's person standards of hygiene are.

[Baron]

I've had the pleasure to have lived with some mainlanders on separate occasions in the UK.

 

Probably the most memorable was living with a bunch of 90后 students, 3 boys 1 girl. They never cleaned. The kitchen was filled with stacked plates with rotting food. Full black garbage bags piled up in the hall. The boys' bedrooms were absolute cesspits. Then they acquired a cat and never cleaned after it. Apart from that they weren't to bad. They didn't make much noise and just played video games 24/7, cooked for me a few times.

 

The girl kept our room clean, but apart from that wouldn't do a thing. She also blocked the drain with hair a few times. Chinese women tend to lose a lot of hair in the UK.

 

Living in a share with an slightly older Chinese lady was less memorable. She was clean, but hell was she highly strung about the house.

 

Lots of mainlanders people have a particular view about acceptable cleanliness of communal space which doesn't always make them desirable housemates. Usually their private space is vey clean, unless they're spoiled little boys.

 

In terms of potential shyness, you just need to force your flatmate out of their shell. Ply them with lots of alcohol, take them to karaoke, constantly go to hang out with them in their room. After that you'll be fine.

[Ruben von Zwack]

哈哈 funny advice, thank you! Alcohol will be easy, my town is like a synonym of beer 

Ahh, I'm so done with clogged showers. The latest big fat black hair sausage that I surgically removed from the plumbing beneath the bath tub is sealed in a refrigerator plastic bag, so that I can show future girl flat mates as a warning (sick, I know   )

 

So I guess privacy is a big difference. In Germany, it's just courtesy to hang out with your flat mates a lot, if you don't, it would make you a selfish weirdo. Maybe, in hindsight, that Taiwanese guy was just being normal when (in my eyes) trying to be invisible. And I thought I scared the living daylights out of him.

[icebear]

Maybe, in hindsight, that Taiwanese guy was just being normal when (in my eyes) trying to be invisible. And I thought I scared the living daylights out of him.

 

This is very common among flatmates in Beijing that weren't previously friends. Even those that were/are friends sometimes go days/weeks without chatting. 

 

I second the above suggestion to offer them alcohol, frequently. Chinese (well, many nationalities) bond much more easily over that kind of excuse (or smoking). Normally once you get past an initial barrier of shyness you may find them quite personal (as in sharing guarded stories/thoughts/troubles/etc which we would only share with the very closest of friends).

[Baron]

@Ruben von Zwack

 

Hair sausage in the fridge.

 

Dude.  

 

Somewhere inout there there's a forum for Chinese people where people are saying 'oh yeah, I lived with some foreigners once and one showed me a rotten slime-covered hairball he kept in the fridge. Don't live with those crazies.

 

Just show them the bill from last time the plumber unblocked it and tell them they pay for hairball blockages.

[Ruben von Zwack]

I had to wipe coffee off my notebook screen after reading your reply. You are right!

I will go and bury the hair sausage downstairs in the garden.

 

About alcohol - are there any gender conventions?

My impression is, being able to drink a lot = sign of manliness. What about women though? I never saw women drink any beer recently in China.

I had a beer with my dinner a few times in those inexpensive little eateries. But I quickly learnt that whenever I did that, without fail some guy from a neighboring table would walk up to my table and "干杯" me in a way that I didn't think was nice. I don't mind guys talking to me per se, quite on the opposite, but it was as if "western chick + beer" attracted the wrong sort of guy, if you know what I mean.

So on evenings when I was a bit exhausted and felt I can't put up with eejits today, I didn't have beer with my dinner, no matter how much I would have liked to.

Is there any prejudice like, drinking alcohol = loose woman, or something like that?

[Baron]

Make sure to take a photo of it for posterity.

 

Regarding drinking, it depends on the girl. 90后 girls often drink, smoke and party without necessarily being slutty, or feeling it implies sluttiness. More traditional and slightly older girls tend to be more conservative. Huddling round a laptop and singing pop songs is a good bonding activity. As is cooking and eating. Not all the boys drink, the ones I lived with mostly didn't, so we relied on video games, DVDs and arguing about the filth as social glue.

 

I've rarely suffered the intrusive 干杯's in the UK, and never from random people or anyone under 40. The students I knew were a bit more relaxed about drinking.