An Arranged Marriage

[abcdefg]

Inspired by another recent thread about proposing marriage and issues related to that, figured I'd post my personal tale of woe. http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/44322-asking-for-permission-to-marry/

 

My girlfriend of 2-plus years here in Kunming sent me a text a few days ago saying that she had taken leave from her job and returned to her remote South Yunnan village to 相亲 (look over a possible husband; someone she didn't already know.)

 

Having reached the ripe old age of 24, her parents took matters in hand and found someone they view as a suitable marriage prospect. Being very traditional 传统 and 孝顺 (to show filial piety), she has gone home to check the guy out and to allow his attempt at a whirlwind supervised courtship.

 

Be sure that I've made it clear to her all along that for various reasons, although I really like being her short-term boyfriend and lover, I can never be her lifelong husband, father of her future children and such. Just wouldn't be practical or fair to her. (Huge age difference being the main factor.) I respect her too much to try to fool her about things like that.

 

I'm 100% behind her finding a good stable match for the long haul, and have told her so. Was just selfishly hoping it wouldn't happen for another couple years, maybe at least until she turned 26 or 27. Turns out that her Dad has some health problems that may soon result in big hospital bills, and I guess that could have accelerated the schedule.

 

Though I don't really know, I think that possibly this push to "get married now to help the whole team" coming just before 清明节 (Qing Ming Festival) is more than mere coincidence. This is the peak time of year for respecting ancestors and considering family obligations.

 

This is the second time I've been through this in the past five or six years. Seems to be part of the price one pays for staying in the dating and relationship game over here when one is past one’s prime.

 

[icebear]

I myself have been through this a few times - once with a real keeper, and had a few decent things fizzle early. Hurt bad in the first case, not so much in the others. In all cases it was fully expected (as likely, at least). I think it's a not uncommon experience, both for foreign and Chinese boyfriends.

I personally find it one of the most corrosive parts of modern Chinese society. Lots people rushing out of decent relationships and into bad marriages to please tradition. Hopefully this one goes the way of foot binding soon enough.

Edit:

Just wanted to add that I don't think its age related, as myself and younger friends have felt it too. If you're explicitly against marriage that could amplify your chances of seeing this issue.

Sorry to hear about it.

[gato]

Sorry to hear that, abcdefg, but I guess you are not too surprised about it, given how young she is and prime marriage age (for Yunnan). The lesson might to be looking for someone in their 30s who's still young enough but not necessarily that focused on marriage any more.

By the way, 相亲 today refers more to arranged dating than arranged marriage.

[ZhangKaiRong]

Sorry to hear that... The same happened to me, but up in the North, where the girl just turned to 21... She and her fiancé are going to get married this May. The guy is 26, the girl is 22 years old. I'm not against marrying at a young age, but in my view 22 is way to young for this kind of business.

 

Look for somebody from the age range 28-32, maybe this kind of pressure won't be that great.

[imron]

maybe this kind of pressure won't be that great.

It will be greater.

[roddy]

If you want to find someone free of family pressure to marry, you need to be looking at people older than that - either in mid-30s (?)where there's an perception that it's too late and this person is for some reason un-marriageable, or a divorcee who's already had a marriage fail and therefore both herself and family have a different view on things. 

 

Onwards and upwards, abcdefg....

[imron]

If you want to find someone free of family pressure to marry, you need to be looking at people older than that - either in mid-30s (?)where there's an perception that it's too late and this person is for some reason un-marriageable

If they are unmarried and in mid-30s, the pressure will be on you

[ZhangKaiRong]

@imron

 

Well, most urban Chinese girl I met don't push the marriage things after 28. At least they say this. Maybe it's a trap 

(Hmm... in that case, I need to worry too, the actual target is near that age   )

[Lu]

That sucks, sorry to hear that. But it's good that you were honest to her and are being kind about it now. I hope the two of you had good times while it lasted.

I don't know how old you are, but as I was reading your post I was also thinking that you should perhaps see if you'd like to be dating women who are older and/or divorced. Yes some 30-somethings will be desparate to marry, but some will have accepted their unmarriedness and decided that life's good that way too.

[abcdefg]

Sound advice. Thanks, all. And you're right, it was not a surprise. Just thought it wouldn't happen quite so soon. She's a country girl, transplanted to the city, so maybe 24 is actually a more usual marriage age in her small-town circle.

 

My relationship with her wasn't planned, it just kind of gradually happened. The chemistry and the stars were right. I'm not really looking for marriage. Experience has taught me that I make a pretty decent boyfriend but a terrible husband.

[JustinJJ]

I think this is really common. I left China only in November last year, girlfriend married a 相亲 guy this March after a two-week period (she had been to over a dozen 相亲s and rejected marriage proposals during 相亲s from November to March, so her parents were pretty aggressive about this). She said in the end her parents forced her to marry. She is at the ripe old age of 22.

 

It's just a cultural difference. Western parents would think that kind of treatment of someone's child was terrible/inconceivable, Chinese families are of the view that they are doing it for the their children's benefit. 

[gato]

There is a big difference between the countryside and the cities. Many girls in the countryside don't even go to high school (compulsory education ends in 9th grade) and get married in their late teens. Most girls who grew up in the cities go on to college and are usually free to choose their own boyfriends and husbands and many don't marry until they are in their mid- to late 20s.

[Lu]

Chinese families are of the view that they are doing it for the their children's benefit.

Is it all benefit or also a large part of obligation (on the child's part), 'supposed to happen', expected next step and why wait, and such considerations? Child is born, then goes to school, when school is done, the next thing is marriage and what's the point in waiting with that.

I don't personally know anyone this has happened to, so could be wrong, but I imagine this might be the case.

[Ruben von Zwack]

I know quite a few 30-something unmarried Chinese, HK and Taiwanese girls young women. But most of them are in Europe to pursue some degree on top of their education, or have lived in Europe for a while.

[Guest realmayo]

Sometimes I think it's a bit like getting a job. You know you've got to get one. You can't live without one. Well, you can, but most people would disapprove. There's lots of competition for good ones. After looking for a while you end up settling for a decent one. Maybe your parents or friends can help you out.

 

OK there are some differences too! But if the attitude is: I'm definitely going to get married, before I'm 25 ... well ... you're going to be less worried about being madly in love and more concerned about getting someone good enough before too late.

[Lu]

I wonder to what extent the job analogy works for men as well?

(For women of course, in many cultures & times their marriage was their career. They got training for it and everything, and it provided them with an income. The analogy as realmayo explains it makes a lot of sense.)

[gato]

It works for men, too. Substitute "wife" for "job".

[abcdefg]

Chinese families are of the view that they are doing it for the their children's benefit.

Is it all benefit or also a large part of obligation (on the child's part), 'supposed to happen', expected next step and why wait, and such considerations?

 

I think in her situation it's a little of each. The message she sent when I asked her why it was happening was, "爸爸妈妈怕我老了嫁不掉“。She's shy and doesn't make friends easily, so there may be a valid basis for their concern.

 

She already sends a big chunk of her salary home every month and is the total support for a younger sister who is in her first year of college here in Kunming. Father is a subsistence rice farmer. The girl has a generous spirit. and is as honest as the day is long.

 

The guy, the prospective groom, has a stable government job with prospects of gradual promotion, a house, and a car. So he's got the big three covered. Anything else is gravy. In the last few days of this supervised courtship back home she has softened towards him and is no longer so unhappy. Says he actually seems OK, even though she didn't think so at first.

 

I really hope that she finds both security and happiness. She will make someone a good wife and should eventually be a good mother. 

 

There is a big difference between the countryside and the cities.

 

Certainly agree with Gato on this one. And the snapshot she sent today from home is about as "countryside" as it can get.

 

[anonymoose]

Many girls in the countryside don't even go to high school (compulsory education ends in 9th grade) and get married in their late teens.

 

Girls can't marry until they are 20 according to Chinese law.

[Sharon喵喵]

Sorry to hear that. However 相亲 is very common in China I think. One reason is that the parents want their child to marry someone quickly because they think their child are old enough to get married, another reason is that maybe parents want their child marry someone who meet the needs of them. I haven't been through this because I'm a student now, but maybe when I'm at the age of 28 or 29 and don't have a boyfriend, my parents will arrange a 相亲 for me. I hope that day will never come.