An Arranged Marriage

[renzhe]

If you have feelings for me and I have feelings for you and then I decide to get married to a house and a car, YES.

You might be underestimating the extent of emotional blackmail going on. It takes a really strong person to stand up to their parents (and the entire extended family) in a situation like this.

Young girls in some very traditional societies are sometimes disowned by their entire family, left penniless and without anyone to talk to. What should she do then? Try to get another au pair gig for another three months?

Young women are often victims in such arrangements, choosing the easier path.

[Angelina]

Hm, I'm from a traditional society. 

 

That was the whole point of my post, it was her that was weak and could not stand up to certain things. He should think about it, does he consider a girl like that worthy of his attention? 

 

Why did she lead him on? If she knew what her family was like, what was she doing with him? I know, **** was too much, but really, they called the cops on him? It's sad. He does not deserve to be treated like that. She should at least have tried to not hurt him. Like, I'm sorry, I don't have the courage to go against my family's wishes, let's break up. She didn't even break up with him. 

 

 

Edited 

[Angelina]

Also, she could have told him about her family planning to disown her. What if he was ready to work five jobs to support her. She didn't even ask him. 

[abcdefg]

#60 --

 

I think the description some of you gave of her may fit quite well...

 

Seems pretty harsh to me. She rejects you for whatever reasons, and now you call her vile names.

 

You might be underestimating the extent of emotional blackmail going on. It takes a really strong person to stand up to their parents (and the entire extended family) in a situation like this.

 

I've seen this at work, and think @Renzhe is right about it.

[Angelina]

Telling all the time how perfect everything was, how happy she was, that she could talk about this with a chinese guy, that she couldn't do that with a chinese guy, etc.

 

and then she called the cops on him. 

 

 

It's not nice to insult her, I know. Still, I come from a very traditional society, it is not an excuse. She hurt him. 

[renzhe]

He should think about it, does he consider a girl like that worthy of his attention?

He really should think about it -- in an intercultural relationship you get both the good and the bad. In addition to a sweet young girl from a faraway country, you often also get potential in-laws who are expecting a house and a car.

And this is something many people are not aware of when they enter a romance. In China, you marry your in-laws, not your sweetheart. If 父母 say no, you're out.

Why did she lead him on? If she knew what her family was like, what was she doing with him?

A young, naive girl, out of the country for the first time, everything seems like a dream, a prince on a white horse arrives, and she allows herself to be pulled into this make-believe world.

Then she goes back home, and her parents explain to her in no uncertain terms who's in charge, how things are going to work, and they beat the prince out of her. She has no visa to leave China, no place to stay in China other than her parents, no money, and they probably have her hukou, so she can't even leave the city.

It happens all the time. It's tragic every time. I feel sorry for danielfd, but this happens all the time.

[Angelina]

I know. The sad part is that instead of telling him: "父母不同意 and I don't have the cojones to say no",  she had some more FaceTime time with him AFTER she got engaged. It's not fair to Daniel. She never broke up with him either. She didn't even reject him as mentioned in post #64. 

 

And the police. Really? It's disrespectful. 

 

***** is too much, I agree, maybe I should edit it out. I still think she is bad person who did not treat him well. Traditional culture is not an excuse. 

 

Edited

[Kobo-Daishi]

@danielfd,

 

What's done is done. You can't go back.

 

She's just graduated from college. Her fiance is able to provide her a car and a house.

 

What have you to offer her other than free Spanish lessons and a good time?

 

Are you also a college grad? Do you have a job? Are you financially independent?

 

Kobo.

[studychinese]

Nope, wrong guys! She is a puta for misleading the OP as to the extent of her feelings for him, and for allowing him to believe that she was as in love with him as he with her.

If it was a guy pulling this kind of a stunt on a girl, none of you would hesitate to call him a puto. Thankfully we have a girl (Angelina) that is keeping it real and correctly describing the kind of person that would do this kind of thing.

[Angelina]

but maybe Chinese girls don't think this is particularly wrong. Maybe Chinese girls would think some of the choices I would make are strange. 

 

Although, yes, it was her decision and her family, not all cultures are the same, it was not nice to mislead him. 

[studychinese]

It is funny how many people will say "culture" as if that excuses all kinds of behavior. In my country (Australia) this kind of thinking has even infected the judiciary.

 

There have been many cases in Australia where someone has been deemed not guilty or not responsible for a crime because of cultural differences. One particularly galling case was that of an Afghan refugee diddling kids down at the park. Charged by police but let go by the judge because that is considered normal in Afghanistan (?!).

 

http://www.jihadwatch.org/2014/05/australia-muslim-pedophile-not-charged-because-of-cultural-differences-still-stalking-children

[Angelina]

jihadwatch.com? 

 

It's a touch choice. Pashtun people are tribal people. Their tribes work in a different way. What happens when this person goes to Australia? I think he should have been deported back to Afghanistan rather than deemed not guilty. 

[JustinJJ]

Honestly speaking I think it was really excessive to drop everything in the city you live in to go to China to stop a wedding - even in your own city I think it's really inappropriate. She'd already agreed to marry someone else and she told you not to go to China.

Sounds like they must have felt harassed/stalked to a fairly great extent to call the police. At the point of going to China to stop the wedding it was game over because it would have caused so much loss of face to her, her entire family and to him that there's no going back after that. She would have felt really embarrassed.

When she says she's agreed to marry someone wouldn't you just assume it's over? It was a big decision for her so she won't just change her mind like that. Maybe she has been seeing him for a long time and hadn't formally broken up when she was an au pair. You said you'd only been going out a short time. Maybe she was happy to go for a holiday for three months but then preferred to marry a Chinese guy and told you a story so that you wouldn't lose face.

[Angelina]

 

Maybe she was happy to go for a holiday for three months but then preferred to marry a Chinese guy and told you a story so that you wouldn't lose face.

 

I am accused for calling her bad names.

 

After enjoying a free holiday, she probably told her family she is ready to get married without telling them what she was doing on the trip (and FaceTime) and who was paying for it. AND she pretended Daniel was stalking her so they had to call the cops. 

 

You can't tell a guy how you love him and how you are having the time of your life and then pretend he is a stalker when he flies to the other side of the planet to help you deal with oppressive parents. 

 

Also, she was probably hiding some details from the trip away from her parents because she is oh so traditional. 

[imron]

and then pretend he is a stalker when he flies to the other side of the planet to help you deal with oppressive parents.

With only knowing one side of the story, it's a little difficult to make such an assumption.  I can think of plenty of examples where someone might seem nice at first and then turn in to a crazy stalker when things don't go his/her way, and behave in a way deserving of calling the police.  I'm not saying that happened with the OP, but without knowing the details of the situation you can't say one way or the other.

[Angelina]

We can ask him what she told her parents about the trip to see whether or not she is manipulative. 

[imron]

We can ask him

And you'll still have a one-sided view seen from the perspective of someone who has admitted to little understanding of Chinese culture and language, and so everything will be filtered through the lens of his own culture and language.

[Angelina]

Sure. 

 

You think you have a better understanding of Chinese culture? 

 

Please enlighten us

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/47786-chinese-families/#comment-362666

[studychinese]

Really? Is this the way people here roll?

 

Someone says to you "I am being forced into a marriage that I don't want". The answer of some posters here is "tough to be you"?

 

Chinese culture in general has said a definite no to forced marriage, and it has been illegal since the revolution.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_modern_China

 

Now if the marriage was not forced and not under duress then she is a puta for telling him that it is. It is as if some posters here are saying "this is just what Chinese women do". Not a very flattering view of the New China.

[renzhe]

and for allowing him to believe that she was as in love with him as he with her.

Who says she wasn't?

 

Chinese culture in general has said a definite no to forced marriage, and it has been illegal since the revolution.

It's not either forced marriage or a pure marriage of love with unicorns.

Being ostracised by your entire family is very rough, it looks like you have no idea how rough. When it comes to never seeing a boyfriend vs. never seeing your parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents again, it's the boyfriend who gets shafted.

The girl is shafted either way.

 

The answer of some posters here is "tough to be you"?

No, but you should look at what is doable.

It would be easy if it were the girl's fault -- call her a whore, kick her in the gut. But what if it's the family who is responsible? How do you "fix" all of them, so they don't emotionally cripple her?

In traditional societies, families have a lot of power over children. Not legal power, with police and courts, but emotional control. You can't "switch that off" just because you don't like it. It will take centuries, just like it took centuries in Europe and elsewhere. If somebody is from an unreasonable, controlling family, it's hard to get away.

It's a bit like chewing off your arm to escape a bear trap. You know it's the right thing, but you can't blame somebody if they are too weak to do it.