Social anxiety in China (tips? strategies? advice?)

[tooironic]

I have a confession to make. One of the main reasons I have never made the decision to live in China is I often feel very anxious when talking to strangers here. This is despite the fact that I speak fluent Mandarin and work as a translator in Melbourne, and have a pretty large group of Chinese friends who I feel comfortable talking with in both English and Chinese.

 

I'm in China at the moment on one of my many short-term trips. I usually travel with a friend, but this time my friend has gone back to Australia early so I've been left to my own devices in Xi'an. I have some local friends here which is good but they are at work during the day, during which time I feel very anxious going outside my hotel room and interacting with locals.

 

Basically, whenever I'm in China I only ever strike up a conversation with locals as a last resort. I find their staring and confused facial expressions quite intimidating. It's something that I've never quite gotten used to. And even when I can understand everything they say, and can express what I want to say in fluent Chinese, my heart races thinking about what they must be thinking of me. I always feel just a little bit out of place, like I don't belong. Again, I don't have this problem with people I've already met and become familiar with.

 

The consequence of this anxiety is that I often end up avoiding experiences with locals that might actually be beneficial to me.

 

So my question to everyone here is what advice (tips or strategies) would you recommend to a laowai living or travelling in China to deal with that kind of "out-of-place" anxiety? And for those who have lived in China for some time, have you ever experienced it before, and if so how did you deal with it?

 

Disclaimer: I am quite an anxious over-thinker by nature, so it's no surprise that I might suffer from this. But I feel that the anxiety I get in China is pretty irrational, so I'd like to find a way to get over it somehow.

[Guest realmayo]

I don't think it's that irrational. At home, if everyone's looking at you and you're out of place and don't know what to do and are probably going to do something or say something 'wrong' -- that's generally an undesirable situation to be in, you'd normally try to avoid it.

 

But in somewhere like most of China, it's inevitable. But it's also 'allowed'. And perfectly acceptable. Because people don't expect you to get everything right. The main thing is just that you try a little bit. And they can't help but be interested. You're carrying what should be a big 'plus' with you (you are different therefore interesting) but you're misinterpeting it as a 'minus' -- which usually it won't be.

 

So different rules apply and you have to reassure yourself that the signals from others that you feel you're getting, at home they night spell awkward, but in China they don't mean anything bad at all. Like, people don't normally like being rained on, but no one feels bad about getting wet when they go for a swim. Go for a gentle swim in the Xian streets. 

[gato]

Try to tell yourself that you are never going to see these people again, so it doesn't matter what they think of you. This is a way to stir yourself out of over-thinking.

[imron]

750ml of beer is maybe 2-3 kuai.  A bottle of 二锅头 not much more.

[ronaldmull]

You anxity is quite rational. Because you feel exposed. People judge you, not matter if you are a white or Asian foreigner, you speak Chinese, people get curious and try to judge your self-worth. So getting over this awkward situation. Either you try to not care about them, as you decided actively they have no importance to you. Or you just don't talk. The worst are train journey, I only speak English, because once people realize that you speak some Chinese they pay a lot of attention.

 

Plan C. C like Sichuan, or Chengdu, people there are most laid back, they don#t give a f... about somebody speaking Chinese with them... try it....

[dnevets]

Why not spend a bit of time outside but not specifically for the purpose of interacting with others? Go and cycle round the top of the city wall, or sit in a cafe reading a book. You might well find that a friendly local will come and talk to you first.

[Demonic_Duck]

Try to tell yourself that you are never going to see these people again, so it doesn't matter what they think of you. This is a way to stir yourself out of over-thinking.

It may be a useful trick to tell yourself to get over anxiety, but if you're living in a place I'd say it's pretty likely you'll see them again. On the other hand, 90% of the time you won't have to see them again if you specifically choose not to.

[ChTTay]

I always feel out of place in China. At least I know why this is though (mostly). Back home I have no idea.

Isn't completely normal to feel out of place in a foreign country?

Do you care overly what people back in Oz think of you also when you interact with them?

[Nathan Mao]

I am an extrovert who enjoys talking to people.

As such, any advice I have to give is probably not helpful to you...your issues seem to be based on your personality, and I can't give you my personality to help you with this.

 

That being said, I think there are a few things for you to consider:

 

In China, you are the equivalent of a talking dog.  You will be well-received, and an object of interest (if not actually reverence) simply because you talk Chinese.  No matter what your level of Chinese is, people will compare you to 大山 or other celebrities.  Kids will consider it the highlight of their life to be able to speak to you.

 

The best part is that most people you meet in China will be favorably disposed to you because you speak their language.  That doesn't mean you should trust them (maintain your boundaries!), and it doesn't mean they will forgo the opportunity for profit (in the case of merchants), but it does mean that you can have a good time talking with people, learning about them and their lives.  Come up with some brief, standard answers to the common questions, but try to turn everything back to asking about the person you are talking with, about their lives, their background, their experiences. Keep the focus on them, and you may feel more comfortable (and broaden your experience with grammar, word choice, accent, etc).

 

In short, forget about yourself.  Don't be self-conscious.  Turn off your self-editor and relish the chance to learn about other people, and the chance to make connections with another culture. Try to be a positive example of western culture, another piece of the bridge of understanding to span the gulf of cultural difference.

[陆咔思]

If you really wanna get over this anxiety the best way is probably to do go out and strike up lots of conversations with strangers - it'll be difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. For example you could start with simply asking people for directions, even if you don't need to. After you get used to that try longer conversations. There are lots of good books on getting over social anxieties, I guess none of them are China-specific but they might help you anyway. As Nathan says, you should get lots of positive reactions, so getting over this in China should be much easier here than in most other places.

[tysond]

A decade ago I had a job that involved going out and meeting lots of new people. Although I wasn't too bad at putting on some bravado and smiling, doing it for a job meant I want to learn how to do it very we'll.

So I read two books by Dale Carnegie that are very useful. How to Win Friends and Influence People, and How To Stop Worrying and Start Living. Since then I have pretty much lived my life using the ideas in these books and rarely have anxiety or "new people" concerns. I have sat next to very powerful people who we're shaking like a leaf while i was calm and able to speak clearly and easily as I always prepared myself by thinking - what is the worst that could happen? Usually it was nothing more serious than losing my job.

Later on I had some other sources of anxiety and was fortunate enough to enroll in an NLP class at the same time. From that course I learned to visualise my fears as a physical thing, that could be consolidated and visualised in my head, then removed from my head and visualised in front of me, and finally visualised moving always from me and put away. Despite the fact this is just visualisation I did find it very effective in dealing with lingering worries. The brain can be trained and can be led by visualisation techniques.

Hope this helps. I am inspired by your blog and wish you the best, if you are in Beijing happy to treat you to a meal or coffee/tea.

[Lu]

I can try and come up with some advice for the awkward and/or introvert in China, but first the easiest solution: have you tried Taiwan? You won't be nearly as much as a talking monkey there, life is easy, people are very nice and I've always found it extremely easy to make friends there.

I have a similar issue, not just in China but usually in a strange place with no set thing to do. It's not that irrational really, after all, you really are out of place there. But people really don't think much beyond 'Huh, a foreigner' and 'Huh, he speaks Chinese pretty well'.

If I were you I'd try not to worry about beneficial contact with locals that you're missing out of. You talk to people regularly, in Chinese even (your local friends), so that's not something you're missing out of. What you can do is set realistic goals ('Today I shall go and see the 大雁塔' rather than 'today I shall have conversations with many people') and don't beat yourself up over not making a personal connection with the biangbiangmian seller. Prepare as much of your trip as you can beforehand, in your hotel; perhaps ask the hotel people; or book a tour.

If you don't feel comfortable going into weird little streets and talking to total strangers you will miss out on some experiences, but since you are in China, you are already experiencing so many things that most people can't even dream of, that you really shouldn't feel bad, and just find a way to enjoy yourself as much as you can there, in a way that you are comfortable with.

I feel like I'm kinda rambling here, but basically, try to enjoy yourself in a way that you're comfortable with, and don't feel bad about not doing things you don't want to do.

[Nathan Mao]

One of my favorite experiences in China was on my first trip there.  My classmates were "tired" of studying Chinese at the end each day, and so were hanging out with a Canadian rock band in an ex-pat bar.  I would go out on the streets and shop and talk.

 

One time they talked me into going to hear some live music at a local bar.  I went with them, but the band had cancelled, or they had the time wrong or something, so I left the bar, went out into the alley, and then sat behind a grilled goat-ke-bab stand and drank beer and talked with the family that ran the grill.  I bought a beer for each of us and just sat and chatted.  My Chinese was enough to be able talk/understand the basics, so I only understood about 50% of the conversation, but it definitely helped me get used to the Beijing street accent, and I learned a lot about their life, and lots of new vocabulary.

 

I never saw them again.  Wouldn't recognize them if I saw them.  But I bet I left a lasting good impression on them of Americans.

 

I wouldn't have missed that experience for the world...but you gotta reach out to people to have experiences like that.

[陳德聰]

I tell my students to start with people who can't escape, and whose best interest is to treat you nicely.

 

Broadly this includes most people working behind counters trying to sell you something.

[Lu]

I left the bar, went out into the alley, and then sat behind a grilled goat-ke-bab stand and drank beer and talked with the family that ran the grill. I bought a beer for each of us and just sat and chatted. My Chinese was enough to be able talk/understand the basics, so I only understood about 50% of the conversation, but it definitely helped me get used to the Beijing street accent, and I learned a lot about their life, and lots of new vocabulary.

This is exactly the kind of experience that is awesome if you can get it, but that you shouldn't feel bad about not getting if trying to do such things makes you very anxious. An ill-at-ease foreigner is less likely to make friends with the kebab guy anyway, and telling said foreigner to just chill out doesn't work.

(Please don't get me wrong, such experiences are great, but quietly walking around the local old stuff museum and then meeting a friend for dinner is an equally worthwhile use of your time, and can be the better choice if this makes you enjoy yourself more.)

[hedwards]

In my experience, if you know any Chinese at all the Chinese people are very supportive of your efforts. Even if you don't know any Chinese, you'll likely get plenty of opportunities to do language exchanges. One of my favorite things to do was show up a small restaurants before the evening rush and chat with the owner.

 

Obviously, you want to be mindful about where you are at all times, but I found that as long as I was in a good part of town that I didn't have to worry too much.

 

If that's not enough, then chances are a couple drinks will help. I don't personally advocate drinking, but the Chinese seem to use alcohol extensively for the purposes of socialization.

[abcdefg]

I get along with strangers easily enough, but one thing that initially affected me adversely in China and kind of "clammed me up" was being "grilled." I would get into the front seat of a taxi and the interrogation would start almost at once.

 

It would quickly move from questions with which I was comfortable ("Where are you from?") to things that were less so ("How much money do you make? How old are you? Why isn't your family here with you?) It was all one sided: the driver was asking the intrusive questions and I was supplying curt answers.

 

But now I turn the tables and ask as many questions as they do. (How much did this taxi cost? How many years can you drive it before it falls apart? Who is that face on the license and registration? It sure isn't you. Why did you move to the city from your village? Did it really improve your life? What does your wife think about your long hours?)

 

The more equal footing makes me more comfortable and doesn't seem to bother the other party. If they cringe or scowl, I stop. Like Nathan Mao said a few posts back, I'm taking a genuine interest in their lives.

 

I was previously constrained by continuing to try and follow Western norms of what was polite; now I'm not. I'm just as openly nosy as they are. My reticence has been "Sinified."

[imron]

I was previously constrained by continuing to try and follow Western norms of what was polite; now I'm not. I'm just as openly nosy as they are.

This is the way to do it.  Just be careful, because it can sometimes be hard to turn off when you get back home!

[abcdefg]

Good point. Thanks for the reminder.

 

And I'll leave my rice bowl on the table, not pick it up with one hand so I can shovel faster with my chopsticks.

[hedwards]

@imron, you're telling us. I think it was like 8 months before I could take water directly out of the tap to brush my teeth with without having to consciously remind myself that it was safe to do.