Does my advertisement make sense?

[tui44]

Hi everyone, I have written an advertisement for my poultry business. However, I am a total beginner in Chinese and I relied on the online translators to help me.

 

Can you please tell me if this ad makes sense to a Chinese speaker?

 

 

他们是自由放养的鸡，它们被喂食有机食品的 (USDA Organic)。

 

位于Jamestown。

 

请在中午之前拨打的电话号码，并探询「silky chickens」在英语中。

 

2种尺寸可供选择，小的 (传统型）或超大（现代黑肉雞）。

 

$10 每鸡。

 

At the bottom of the ad I have printed my telephone number.

 

Do you see anything that makes no sense or seems impolite?

 

Thank you for your input.

[tui44]

I should clarify, that I would like my ad to make sense to a Mandarin speaker.  Thanks!

[Lu]

This is not good Chinese. I think a native speaker can probably figure out most of what you mean, but grammar and wording is very much off. Online automatic translators are simply not the right tool you need if you want to send a message in halfway correct language, especially if you don't know said language. (They can be useful if you want to find out the rough meaning of a text in a foreign language, or if you want to check the translation of something into a language that you know reasonably well.)

Since yours is a commercial venture, consider just having it translated by an actual translator. A short add like this won't cost much and at least you'll know your sentences are correct sentences.

[tui44]

It's a commercial venture, only in that it is me and 15 chickens which I do not want to keep over the winter. Not exactly ready for NASDAQ.

 

 

I should explain how the ad looks: it is a small poster.

 

At the top are the words, 活乌骨鸡

Below that is a picture of some chickens. 

Below the picture, is the text which I asked about.

 

 

Does it seem any better if you imagine it below a photograph of chickens? That is the "they" or 他们 of the first sentence. The English version certainly makes a lot less sense without the heading or the photograph. 

 

 

Several phrases I am confident of:

 

黑肉雞 , commercial type black meat chicken - this phrase came from a PRC newspaper

 

活乌骨鸡 , live wu gu ji - this is the text at the top of my ad, I researched it a lot before deciding it was probably ok

 

 

I struggled with finding a term for free-range chicken. The dictionary at MDBG offered up a lot of possibilities and the online translators did not recognize any of them. I would have liked to use 走地鸡 but ended up using 自由放养的鸡 which Bing suggested, after Bing and Google Translate both did weird things when translating 走地鸡 into English. Is 走地鸡 the best word? These are birds which live in a spacious fenced yard, outdoors, with grass and trees. They are not totally free, running around the countryside, which is what 放山鸡 sounded like to me... and they are not a local or native chicken breed so I decided not to use 土鸡. Would 走地鸡 be the phrase I want, or is another more appropriate?

 

 

他们是走地鸡，并他们是喂 饲有机食品的 (USDA Organic)。 Is this any better? I am going through the text with a dictionary and doing my best to research and correct the grammar.

 

 

$10 每鸡。 - Is this one of the problem areas, or does it make sense? 

Would it be an improvement to say, 价：每鸟 $10

 

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[tui44]

Another attempt to improve things,

 

请拨打的电话号码在中午之前，并问有关「silky chickens for sale」用英语。

[skylee]

"Is 走地鸡 the best word?"

Yes.

[tui44]

Thank you, skylee.

[maomao2014]

请在中午之前拨打电话号码，并用英语问「silky chickens for sale」。

[maomao2014]

我们的走地鸡是用有机食品 (USDA Organic)喂养的

每只鸡$10 or 每只鸡10美金

[889]

Like others, I don't feel like re-writing this, but I'd suggest using simple headings, not full sentences, just as you would for a poster in English.

 

But I can't resist on one point. You have to use a measure word when pricing the chickens. So it should be 每只10元. Does that include butchering the things?

[tui44]

maomao2014: Oh, thank you! You are awesome. I am going to try to analyze your sentences and understand where I went wrong.

889: Thank you for your input! The chickens are going to be sold alive, in a cardboard box with air holes, because I am a softhearted type and I do not want to do it myself. Should I specify that they will be taken home by the buyer alive? I hoped that 活 would cover it.

[889]

I think most people who see a sign offering live chickens for consumption will assume you can butcher and defeather them on the spot. Plucking a chicken is no fun at all unless you've got one of those gizmos. Lots and lots of people these days have no idea how to slaughter a bird. Maybe 自宰自食 will get the message across: kill [it] yourself, eat [it] yourself.

 

(And using the pronoun 他们 in connection with the birds doesn't help, since it's most usually used for humans, or things you want to anthropomorphise.)

[maomao2014]

If the chickens are live you can add贩售活鸡 in your ads. 

 

Chinese people (older generation) are used to buy a live chicken home and kill it themselves, but young people probably expect chickens processed. 

[tui44]

Thank you to both of you. "贩售活鸡, 自宰自食" - that is almost a rhyme. :-)

889, 它们 it is then. I mistakenly thought that 它们 was strictly for inanimate objects and not animals.

[889]

If you structure it right, you don't have to use 它们 or 他们 at all. Just a series of four- or six-character phrases is what you want, not subject-verb-object sentences.

[tui44]

Thanks for the suggestion, 889, that sounds like a good way to cram a lot of information into the poster without showcasing my poor command of grammar. How should I go about this, just separate the phrases with a comma?

[889]

No commas, just one phrase per line.