Chinese American Society and White Husbands

[Lu]

Neither the OP nor his wife seem to have a problem with him not speaking Chinese. If I were him, I would have started to learn it years ago. It certainly has lots of advantages, even apart from being able to talk with your in-laws and stepdaughter. But if the OP is not interested, and his wife doesn't mind, then I think it's not necessarily a problem if he doesn't learn it. It's still possible to learn a new language if you're a bit older, but it's not possible if you're not motivated.

I don't know if it was or wasn't racism, but a white, non-Chinese-speaking person will be treated differently and that can't really be helped. It looks like the OP went to the meetings to support his wife, but if you have a get-together and one of the people there is not talking to anyone and just reading a book, that comes off as weird. It's not so strange that they stopped translating at one point, that just gets tiring. If I were the OP, I would show up sometimes (at parties, at special events) to show my support and meet some of the people, and apart from that just let the wife have her own friends. You don't have to share all your social circles.

Either way, those people have not been very nice to the OP or his wife. It's really sad when friendships end like that, especially if it was one's main social circle. But ended it has, and good riddance, it seems. The wife needs to find some new friends. I hope her future friendships turn out better, there are plenty of Chinese people who can be true friends.

[maomao2014]

1. Chinese people especially Chinese women like to compare. A lot of Chinese kids including me growing up in the shadow of kids from other families. I think it is related to face issue(面子问题) .Comparison is very common in new immigrants especially a lot of them are second generation rich (富二代) or children of governors(官二代). My little cousin was studying in a private school in US, and her classmates bought luxurious, and looked down upon people who cannot afford. 

2.  'Friendships are often based on someone having the ability to give you a step up the ladder. ' I think it exists, but the mainstream it is still helping each other. That's why Chinese value connection(关系) much. I have to say ,before I came to UK, people in some Chinese forums suggested English are more trustworthy than Chinese.  Chinese friends probably hurt you the most. Who knows?

3. Make some effort to learn Chinese. You and your wife will have more topics to share like the recent Chinese news, Chinese TV shows or movies. My husband is English. He cannot speak Chinese or showed any interest in Chinese stuff at the beginning. So when I told him something interesting happened in China, he did not care, which hurt me a bit. After staying in China for one year and a half, he is really interested in China and he can understand me better. So if OP can make  some effort to know more your wife's country, she probably will feel less lonely.

[Shelley]

Why does it have to be Chinese activities, why does it have to be churches, why does it have to be a couples only thing?

 

Go bowling, go watch some baseball games, go shopping in a mall, sit in a library, there are any number of things you can do as a couple or separately to enlarge your social circle, if you have kids there must stuff you can do with them, adventure days out, go to a theme park and so on.

 

Enjoy yourself and don't try so hard to make friends. If you get out and about you will meet people, don't expect everyone you meet to become best friends but you may get to make a few good friends eventually.

 

Just relax and don't try too hard.

 

P.S. Don't let anyone put you off learning Chinese whatever your age is if you want to.

[AngelinaLu]

First of all, have you ever tried learning to speak Mandarin? If you have been living under the same roof with two people who are constantly speaking that language, you should be able to understand the language by now. I kind of get what the Chinese people are doing. It is racist of them to completely exclude you from their conversations by totally speaking in Mandarin, but don’t you think that it’s quite racist of you to expect them to always translate for you and not learn their language at all?