Iso Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:33 AM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:33 AM Some think that it might be a good idea to give her the money up-front and imho if you still want to meet here that's the worst thing that you can do. I think there's no need to discuss what would happen, if she just takes the money. But the other option should be quite scary for you, too. Imagine she buys an apartment for herself and her parents. What's the first thing that will happen? Yes, she and her parents will move in and then guess what? The parents will not approve of you. They will see their 25 years old daughter and on the other side 1) a male foreigner and 2) a person who's probably even older than them. If they come from a rural area you should consider them as very traditional and they are most certainly not open to anything outside of their rural experience. On the other hand their daughter is inclined to listen to her parents and obey their wishes. There's always the possibility that they might be open to such a situation, but I doubt that you will even have the chance to tell them of your intentions. I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice which would help you to get out of this situation, but I thought it might be better to point out that buying an apartment could have some undesired side effects. 1
Popular Post anonymoose Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:41 AM Popular Post Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:41 AM If she turns down your offer it is her loss. But the offer doesn't exactly promise a bright future either. For her year off work she gets 25% more than she was making anyway, which I assume isn't big bucks being a masseuse in Kunming, and she has to go back to the same life afterwards anyway. So let's compare the difference between the two options - continue doing a job you feel secure with and with colleagues you enjoy, or for a 25% premium, sit around watching TV all day until you're summoned to satisfy the needs of someone 45 years your senior whenever he gets the horn, with whom you have nothing else in common. And this is only temporary - you've still got the uncertainty and hassle just to go right back to the same life you had before, but one year older and probably now with a stigma attached. The more I think about this, the less attractive it seems from the girl's point of view. If I'm going to sell myself, at least I want a reasonable price. She may be a gold-digger - I have no idea - but even if she's not, just out of pure self-respect, I would want to make sure I'm getting a good price. 25% on top of what I was making anyway is hardly that. Don't forget she's going to have to carry the emotional baggage of having sold herself for the rest of her life - and she'll probably have to hide it from her future partner, or it is bound to cause resentment - so it sounds pretty much like a lose-lose situation for her. 8
Lu Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:48 AM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:48 AM I understand where you're coming from. And I'm clearly and openly not providing any long-term promise at all. I'm specifically only interested in a short amount of her time. The reasons for that are partly selfish, not entirely altruistic. I think the relationship would become very strained over time.Then to be quite honest, I think you need to end this, and soon. You have had a considerable amount of her time already. As Jbradfor said: 'You are "using up" her life when she is young, when she could date other people and get married to someone her age. But you are not providing any long-term promise.' You could easily enjoy her company for a few more years, but by then she might be older than is considered marriagable age in her circles, and she'll have lost on both sides. If entertainment is what she likes and is good at, perhaps she and you could look into what options there are in that field? The tourist industry is pretty big in Yunnan, I imagine there must be a demand for authentic Hani (or other ethnic) dancing performances. Or perhaps she'd like to learn to play an instrument? And hats off to the lady, what she accomplished in moving from a small town to the big city, with only primary school education, and making a life for herself there, is impressive. 3
Angelina Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:52 AM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:52 AM We don't have much in the way of common interests. We don't share the usual package of hopes and aspirations on which a stable marriage can be founded. We don't even have mutual friends. So it's really more than just a difference in age. Our connection is sweet but admittedly shallow. Well... 1
Popular Post abcdefg Posted January 23, 2015 at 11:34 AM Author Popular Post Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 11:34 AM I think the handwriting is on the wall. After listening carefully to this thorough and intelligent discussion, I've decided to call it quits and just back away. As I said before, I do not want to damage her, and I can now better appreciate how that might be the end result. Thank you all for your help. 11
Shelley Posted January 23, 2015 at 11:37 AM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 11:37 AM You and her will be happier in the long run. Good decision, I hope you both find happiness in the end.
Angelina Posted January 23, 2015 at 11:58 AM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 11:58 AM You can still be there for her if she needs any help.
Johnny20270 Posted January 23, 2015 at 12:10 PM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 12:10 PM I'm sorry if this is going to sound offensive, but I thought this forum was above well off Westerners giving poor country girls "an offer they can't refuse". No matter how many noble reasons you give yourself, this is still exploitation. Then to be quite honest, I think you need to end this, and soon. You have had a considerable amount of her time already. As Jbradfor said: 'You are "using up" her life when she is young, when she could date other people and get married to someone her age. When I grew up we had a saying "when poverty flies in the window, love runs out the door" I think a lot of this "poor girl routine" is bolox. I have heard this a lot over my life, the "Poor helpless girl" being exploited by the rich older man. These are not kids, not being forced into it, they have their own mind and decisions. They choose to date a rich guy for their own reasons. They want the easy route. Period. Lets have honesty hour here: as a general rule, when a girl say "money is not important at all" and a guy says "looks are not at all important", they are talking er ... crap. 3
abcdefg Posted January 23, 2015 at 12:22 PM Author Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 12:22 PM We all agree I have blundered. I selfishly started something that I now wish I hadn't. But one follow up question if I may: How best to end it? What can I do or say at this point that will cause her the least anguish?
Shelley Posted January 23, 2015 at 12:30 PM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 12:30 PM How best to end it? What can I do or say at this point that will cause her the least pain? Oh that's a tricky one, I would say quick and honest is the best. The actual words you use should be up to you. You can either take the it's best for me or it's best for you or even its best for both of us route, I would favour "it's best for both of us." If you feel you need a reason you can chose from any of the many things that have been said here. But above all be honest. 2
Guest realmayo Posted January 23, 2015 at 02:53 PM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 02:53 PM No matter how many noble reasons you give yourself, this is still exploitation By whom?
studychinese Posted January 23, 2015 at 08:25 PM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 08:25 PM Be careful. I have a policy of never initiating a break up with a girl. I did that once when I was young and the girl was devastated, and the consequences following that makes me feel guilty to this day. 1
jbradfor Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:12 PM Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:12 PM Part devil's advocate, part serious question: why should he break up with her? To be clear, I think she should break up with him. No insult abcdefg, you come across as a more-than-decent person, but from what I've heard I fail to see the benefit from her side. But I certainly see the benefit to abcdefg. But how much responsibility does one adult have to another adult to do things that one person THINKS is in another person's interest? If he's happy in the current situation, and she, by all EXTERNAL appearances seems to be (e.g. still with him, did not marry someone else even given the chance), who am I to say they should break up? Who is he to decide for her that she really is better off without him? This is a real question for me, and I have no answer. [All this is assuming, of course, that he isn't deceiving her or leading her on. Even unintentionally or subtly, such as hinting marriage or money.] 1
Popular Post Demonic_Duck Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:22 PM Popular Post Report Posted January 23, 2015 at 10:22 PM I have a policy of never initiating a break up with a girl. I did that once when I was young and the girl was devastated, and the consequences following that makes me feel guilty to this day. That's a terrible policy. No idea about the ins and outs of the situation you're talking about (either you were culpable in some way or you weren't, and if you were it most certainly wasn't for the simple fact of having broken up with someone), but presumably that now means you either find yourself trapped in bad relationships, or you engage in dishonest, passive agressive behaviour in order to get women to break up with you, on the premise that women are inherently emotionally unstable and not able to handle being dumped? 5
淨土極樂 Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:48 AM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:48 AM @Demonic_Duck I would generally agree, but some Chinese women are very immature and would resolve to threatening suicide/violence and just harass you to no end, since in their mind you're the bad guy who wasted X years of their life without marrying them and so there has to be some kind of "revenge" upon you to make it right. I'm sure, many Westerners have similar stories to tell. So yeah, sometimes it really pays off to be smart about how you break up with a girl. 3
Popular Post jbradfor Posted January 24, 2015 at 01:18 AM Popular Post Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 01:18 AM As opposed to men, who always take break-ups well, and never, say, stalk and assault and murder their exs? [sorry, getting off-topic, but I couldn't let that pass.] 6
淨土極樂 Posted January 24, 2015 at 01:39 AM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 01:39 AM @jbradfor, Yes, we're getting off-topic, but anyway... The Chinese girls can get violent about break ups simply because of the marriage rat race. If she's not married by 25-27, she's already not desirable by most Chinese men. So, in their mind, a 2 year live-in relationship that resulted in a break up instead of marriage is something that must be avenged. Obviously, this problem doesn't exist for men.
imron Posted January 24, 2015 at 01:42 AM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 01:42 AM Chinese women are not alone in threatening violence/suicide upon breaking up. It happens plenty in the west too, and not just women but men also. 2
xuexiansheng Posted January 24, 2015 at 02:19 AM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 02:19 AM Everything has already been said and it looks like abcedfg has already made up his decision. But I just wanted to throw in my two cents and say I agree w/ his decision to end it. Good luck, I hope the breakup goes as well as it can and you can both move on to something even better!
Kenny同志 Posted January 24, 2015 at 02:32 AM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 02:32 AM I didn't reply because I didn't know what to say. I agree with others that ending the relationship might the best solution. Anyway, I wish all the best to both of you. : )
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