Kenny同志 Posted January 24, 2015 at 10:04 AM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 10:04 AM That's good. I am glad I could help. Hope you can get over this soon. Edit: I hope I am using 'get over' correctly.
abcdefg Posted January 24, 2015 at 10:19 AM Author Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 10:19 AM Yes, "get over" is correct. (smile)
skylee Posted January 24, 2015 at 11:46 AM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 11:46 AM Also consider replacing the start of "并且买不起很贵的房子给你" with "而且我買不起……".
Meng Lelan Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:20 PM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:20 PM At this point my plan of action is to first send her the letter, then try to have a face to face discussion if possible No. Send the letter, then go away. Put your phone away too. 1
imron Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:28 PM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:28 PM I think that's not something you can say with such certainty. What if the young lady wants some face to face discussion as closure. I agree it's important to make a clean and certain break, but some people prefer some things to be said face to face and without knowing either of the two people well, the method of the break is for the two of them to decide what works best for them.
ChTTay Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:56 PM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 12:56 PM I'd probably send the letter and then give her some space. It depends on the person, but I'd certainly give at least 1 day for her to digest and think about everything.
Meng Lelan Posted January 24, 2015 at 06:27 PM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 06:27 PM A face to face afterward could be very awkward. I've broken up this way, a letter and then there was this extremely uncomfortable face to face. "Let's be friends" ended up dragging on like this with a huge amount of wasted time and energy. Been there done that.
Popular Post 陳德聰 Posted January 24, 2015 at 06:32 PM Popular Post Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 06:32 PM I've been trying to avoid this topic because I am very cynical and my original comments would likely have been inappropriate. But now that I see what direction it has gone in, I feel that it escalated so quickly... I do not understand why the relationship has to end. Can the offer (poorly thought out as it was) of $ for a year of her life not be rescinded without calling off the entire relationship? "Hey remember when I said I would give you a whole bunch of money? I was being ridiculous and I apologize for that, let's just keep doing things the way we have been." Is that too difficult? She's a consenting adult, who clearly has her priorities straight as she has firmly refused to jeopardize her career. I do not understand the reasoning, and it makes me rather upset that in 3 days time, somehow abcdefg has resolved to end a 2.5 year relationship. I'm really not okay with that. That being said, as someone who has been thoroughly dumped in my short years on this planet, I have no respect for the coward's approach. The only thing that has ever made me feel remotely less like I was being thrown in the garbage was having the other person being upfront and open about the situation, giving a sincere explanation, and being willing to answer all my questions, even the ones that seemed like accusations ("is there someone else!? is that why?!"). If you feel like you absolutely must end the entire thing, at least have a face to face conversation about what the hell happened. No letter you ever write will answer all of her questions. 6
abhoriel Posted January 24, 2015 at 07:38 PM Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 07:38 PM abcdefg, a difficult situation. I only have one thing to add.. there are some very good posts here. One thing I have learnt from experience is that it's not always best to go with your friend's relationship advice. Although many people here think it's best to end the relationship, we don't know the situation nearly as well as you. We have no concept of what you're ending, and the feelings at stake but it's easy for us to say end it. You and her have been together for two and a half years after all. It's also very easy to go along with other people's advice just because it's something that seems solid to go by when you can't make up your mind. Im not saying you shouldn't break up with her, it may be the best option. I'm just saying I think you should think it through carefully, consider the good advice here and decide what to do as you know the situation best. Don't do anything rash that you will regret. As a quick aside, thanks for the comprehensive reply that you made to my thread from last summer about working as a doctor in china. I neglected to thank you in the thread, sorry about that. I wish you all the best with this complicated isue. 1
New Members NancyD Posted January 24, 2015 at 11:32 PM New Members Report Posted January 24, 2015 at 11:32 PM Can my post in this thread be deleted? It is my first post here and I think in this case I was too hasty in posting, not seeing a link in the message to edit or delete. Sorry
pancake Posted January 25, 2015 at 01:15 AM Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 01:15 AM The willingness of people here to offer sincere relationship advice is heartening. I am not going to do that, and instead state that the OP's so-called relationship with a women young enough to be his granddaughter genuinely creeps me out. What possesses a man to ask for advice on arranging a concubine on a forum about learning Chinese? 2
陳德聰 Posted January 25, 2015 at 01:38 AM Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 01:38 AM Some people are not mature enough to have that conversation, sure. But the fact that OP's age bothers you is most certainly an issue of open vs. narrow-mindedness that you can choose to work out or not. If you read the back story and still arrived at a comparison to a "concubine", one which I imagine the woman in question would likely find inaccurate if not offensive, I think perhaps there is some more work you could do on that front. 3
abcdefg Posted January 25, 2015 at 01:51 AM Author Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 01:51 AM What possesses a man to ask for advice on arranging a concubine on a forum about learning Chinese? Can love be found in China outside outside of a relationship that is ostensibly headed for marriage? That was the main substance of my initial inquiry. I was wondering about trying something admittedly unconventional. I knew there was risk involved and that the notion might draw some disapproval. Please re-read the title of the thread. It says "Intimate relationships other than marriage in China." Looks like it's time for me to unsubscribe and withdraw from this discussion. I can only say that there are quite a few parts of the story that I have not been able to fully present without writing a novel. It's really not as two-dimensional as it might seem. But I've made no attempt to gloss over my errors or to present my intentions in an unrealistically noble light. I've done my best to supply frank answers to uncomfortable questions without becoming argumentative or defensive. This has at times been tough. As far as I can tell, she's a decent person doing the best that she can, and I wish her a long life of happiness. I'm a decent person too, albeit one who had hoped to arrange one last real good year before checking out of this hotel. And I was willing to pay for it instead of just lying. Suppose I could have said, “Darling, let’s get married and spend a year seeing the world together before settling down, buying a house, raising a family, and so on.” The reason things have evolved so quickly is that I’ve had the benefit of extensive input from several local Chinese friends here who have known me for quite a few years. Some of them are young and some of them are old. Additionally, some of them know her as well and have had experience with similar conundrums. The discussions with them and the discussions with you have led to my conducting a careful and uncompromising review of how things really stand. Have put lots of energy into it. The result has convinced me that the relationship has no future and that I should end it and move on. Sooner rather than later. 就这样吧。 4
Popular Post studychinese Posted January 25, 2015 at 02:39 AM Popular Post Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 02:39 AM Where else should he ask? This is a forum where people know about Chinese culture. Asking elsewhere might get culturally inappropriate answers. If relationships between different age groups creep you out perhaps you should advocate making such relationships illegal. How about any relationship with a more than 20 year age gap be prohibited, and the death penalty applied to offenders. The judgemental tone on this thread has been really bad.The OP has a Chinese girlfriend that is working 12 hours a day in a job that is NOT a career path. Having only a couple of good years left (presumably because of health) he makes a very fair offer to financially support his girlfriend, while giving her an opportunity to travel and skill up, if she so desires. The OP only has a couple of good years left, wants to share it with his girlfriend, and has even magnanimously said that he would step aside if his girlfriend were to marry in this time period. It's a pity there isn't much empathy for a long term poster. What happened to giving someone the benefit of the doubt? 8
Popular Post Johnny20270 Posted January 25, 2015 at 03:05 AM Popular Post Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 03:05 AM The willingness of people here to offer sincere relationship advice is heartening. I am not going to do that, and instead state that the OP's so-called relationship with a women young enough to be his granddaughter genuinely creeps me out. Let him him be, I think its more admirable that people live their lives which ever way they want, rather than their lives under the shadow of other peoples opinion. That's a pretty sad way to live. 5
淨土極樂 Posted January 25, 2015 at 06:24 AM Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 06:24 AM Completely agree with the above posters. The society needs to be more tolerant and understanding of the age gap in relationships. As a father, sometimes it could be hard to accept that your daughter's boyfriend is older than you... Wait, what? Do people seriously propose we should be more tolerant of the old sexpats and poor country girls they lure away with their money? I'm awfully sorry, but I can't hold this anymore. You guys are mad!
Popular Post imron Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:04 AM Popular Post Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:04 AM We don't know anything about the relationship and how it started and who initiated what and for what reasons.We do know that for various reasons, including the age gap, that abcdefg has misgivings about certain aspects of the relationship.We also know that he's trying to resolve things in the best way possible, with a minimum amount of pain and harm to both parties.So yes, I think he deserves some slack, and from his other posts demonstrating an interest in Chinese language and culture that goes well beyond banging hot, young women, I think the term sexpat is undeserved. The fact he's willing to talk about this in the manner he has, risking a reputation that he has built up over the years, convinces me of that further.If I had a daughter would I want her to date someone old enough to be her grandfather? No, and I would counsel her with advice similar to many of the points raised in this thread many of which abcdefg appears to have taken to heart.At the end of the day though, and assuming she was an adult, then if my daughter decided against my advice to continue with things, there is little I could do except be there for her for when things reached their inevitable conclusion. 8
edelweis Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:05 AM Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:05 AM @pancake, 淨土極樂 erm I am not sure whether you have noticed but based on (better expressed, less judgmental) feedback from this forum the OP concluded that the plan exposed in the first post is a BAD IDEA and the relationship to be ended... abcdefg perhaps you could add this to your first post?
Johnny20270 Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:25 AM Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:25 AM You know, when I was younger, I was pretty conservative (and naive) in my views, e.g. anti-gay, anti-mixed race relationships etc I am still But over the years its taken me a long time to come to a view whereby if we all take the general premise that two consenting adults can do what they want, and they are not hurting others, then the world will be a better place, right? Its not as if she is underage, being forced into it. You use the word 'lure' but still she has a choice. She can say no, she may be tempted into it, but nevertheless has a choice and as abcdef said, everyone is honest about the whole situation. Hence I think tolerance is certainly warranted in this case. Referring to him as a sex-pats is unwarranted here, if that's what he wanted he could just go get a hooker, would be a lot cheaper! 2
imron Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:47 AM Report Posted January 25, 2015 at 07:47 AM and it makes me rather upset that in 3 days time, somehow abcdefg has resolved to end a 2.5 year relationship. I'm really not okay with that. From another thread, it seems a break up has potentially been on the cards for several months and not necessarily just on the whim of the OP but rather the women in question. I don't think it's just a 3 day decision, rather that the situation had already came to a head and the discussion here has just clarified things and made abcdefg confront issues that he would have been happier pretending didn't exist. No letter you ever write will answer all of her questions. I get this too, but consider that abcdefg is not a native speaker of Chinese and may have difficulty expressing things as clearly as he wanted if only a face-to-face discussion took place, not to mention the issues of perhaps getting caught up in the heat of the moment and being unable to go through with expressing everything you wanted. I think in situations like this, a letter gives time to think through the situation and explain things relatively clearly and unambiguously. I agree that being around for a face-to-face discussion is important also if that is what both parties need - but that's something for the two of them to work out. 3
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