Chinese Families?

[Angelina]

How open are Chinese families?

 

If you marry a Chinese, is it possible to do things your way without being forced to compromise? I respect Chinese culture. It is a bit too materialistic to my taste, though, and there might be lines I would not want to cross. 

 

I have Chinese friends, but they probably see me as their foreign friend. What happens when they see you as a brother or sister-in-law? Or a daughter-in-law? Will you be seen as not being xiaoshun just because you prefer to do things the way you were brought up doing them?

 

To what extend are you able to click with the Chinese part of your family? If you are a woman, do the rest of the women in your family see you as one of the girls? How is language important here? Is it possible to have problems communicating with them even though you speak fluent Mandarin (or other Sinitic languages)? How about competitiveness? Do you have the feeling you are constantly trying to keep up with the Joneses? 

 

Anyone raising their children in China? Do they go to a normal Chinese school? 

 

My personal opinion is that you can achieve anything if you want. So what are the things people are supposed to do in other to be accepted into a Chinese family? What does it mean to be xiaoshun? 

 

I am trying to avoid broad generalizations. I am concerned about: materialism, children and their education, fitting in and the most important part: being xiaoshun. 

 

 

[Hofmann]

It depends. I am Chinese American, and my extended family contains all sorts of people.

 

Many materialistic, many unhealthy, many with crude tastes in many things, many of low education, many with a superficial understanding of Confucius but using its concepts to oppress their kin.

 

Marry into these and you're gonna have a bad time.

 

Edit: Of course there are also those that have been all over the world and read a thing or two. They would probably find that you have oversimplified Chinese culture a bit.

[Angelina]

Many materialistic, many unhealthy, many with crude tastes in many things, many of low education, many with a superficial understanding of Confucius but using its concepts to oppress their kin.

 

You can find many of those in any society. 

 

Or maybe people in one society can get away with certain things easily, while the same behavior is not accepted in an another culture?

 

So what are the things people who married into a Chinese family found it different? Is there any behavior that is normal in their culture, yet they were forced to adapt to it being forbidden in Chinese culture?

 

What about the things that are seen as strange and negative, yet, were actively encouraged by their Chinese family members? The quote above sums it up, right? You marry into a Chinese family, you have a daughter, she grows up,  and all of her best friends are looking forward to marry a guy with a house and a car. God forbid she does. Imagine she tells me that she will rather 宝马里哭 than 自行车上笑!!! Chinese American parents might feel like that about behavior I encourage.

 

So maybe when a Chinese partner breaks up with you (or rather she does not explicitly break up with you, but tells you that her parents are forcing her to marry someone else and then one day she calls the police on you- as one guy was saying), you should be happy that you did not marry into a family you are simply not compatible with. 

 

What about the things you have learned from your Chinese families? Perseverance maybe?

[Flickserve]

Respect the parents:

Respect the parents even if your logic disagrees with their opinion. Don't ever have a heated argument and absolutely don't ever cause them to lose face.

Don't insist your opinion is the right one.

Controlling one's temper and knowing when to keep your mouth shut is a very good trait to have. Be tactful.

[Angelina]

Reminds me of my 导师. When I told him I was trying to learn Sanskrit, he was all like: "Focus on your thesis!" 

 

I get it now, I thought my 师姐 is a bad person because she once said: 博士是博士，但是个子不够高. What if she thinks I am a bad person because I don't respect our teacher? 

[Chief123]

I've found a few things that are a little different to me (an American) marrying a Chinese/Taiwanese woman and living in Taiwan.

 

As they said above - respect the parents. For example, as soon as I go into the house I have to say 媽媽好 and if I don't there is heck to pay.

 

The language is particularly difficult in my situation. My wife's father is a refugee/escapee from the Mainland around 1949. But her mother is Taiwanese/Hokkien. So the father speaks Mandarin and no Taiwanese but the mother speaks both and prefers Taiwanese. Whenever I'm there, Taiwanese is spoken mostly so I kind of have to sit there and wait for them to start talking in Mandarin to understand anything.

 

I have had to get used to normal chewing outs over the smallest things - but part of this I think is just my mother-in-law's personality. Pretty much can't leave there without first being told we are doing something wrong in some way or the other. And many times it has nothing to do with anything I've done. Gett a cold - expect to be told about it. If the dad throws your toothbrush in the garbage because he didn't recognize it you'll hear about the bad thing you did.

 

Some of the cultural things have been hard to learn. For example, a couple years ago we went to New Year's eve dinner and then were told we needed to leave early the next morning. We had been planning on staying for a couple days but were kicked out because married daughters can't be there that first day.

 

I've learned to keep my mouth shut in order to make sure they don't lose face. For example there is a famous singing show where the MCs sit and talk for part of the program and then take a break by singing and then coming back. It was SO obvious to anyone with half a brain that the singer and the MC was the exact same person - same clothes, etc. But they insisted that it was two different people. I argued for a few minutes until I could see they were really getting angry and so I conceded. 

 

I don't think I'll ever be just one of the "boys". Leave it at that.

 

Mark

[Angelina]

The language is particularly difficult in my situation. My wife's father is a refugee/escapee from the Mainland around 1949. But her mother is Taiwanese/Hokkien. So the father speaks Mandarin and no Taiwanese but the mother speaks both and prefers Taiwanese. Whenever I'm there, Taiwanese is spoken mostly so I kind of have to sit there and wait for them to start talking in Mandarin to understand anything.

 

You can learn some Hokkien. Language is not the difficult part. You can at least learn how to understand Hokkien and reply in Mandarin. 

 

Thanks!

[Angelina]

I've learned to keep my mouth shut in order to make sure they don't lose face. For example there is a famous singing show where the MCs sit and talk for part of the program and then take a break by singing and then coming back. It was SO obvious to anyone with half a brain that the singer and the MC was the exact same person - same clothes, etc. But they insisted that it was two different people. I argued for a few minutes until I could see they were really getting angry and so I conceded. 

 

Key skill to survive life with a Chinese family: to keep your month shut even when you are certain that you are right. 

 

Good to know.

[Flickserve]

 

I have had to get used to normal chewing outs over the smallest things - but part of this I think is just my mother-in-law's personality. Pretty much can't leave there without first being told we are doing something wrong in some way or the other. And many times it has nothing to do with anything I've done. Gett a cold - expect to be told about it. If the dad throws your toothbrush in the garbage because he didn't recognize it you'll hear about the bad thing you did.

 

Definitely personality has something to do with it! But it helps if you started off on the right foot in the first place.

 

When first meeting the prospective in-laws, it's important to take some gifts. Food is a good one. Something hard to obtain or expensive such as dried scallops, bird's nest, tea....

You need to follow up on subsequent visits with gifts of and fruit is a good one. Say "I passed by a shop and saw these were really, really nice today". Give to the prospective mother-in-law!

 

 

Some of the cultural things have been hard to learn. For example, a couple years ago we went to New Year's eve dinner and then were told we needed to leave early the next morning. We had been planning on staying for a couple days but were kicked out because married daughters can't be there that first day.

 

Usually married daughters will follow the husband's family on the first day of chinese new year - but this is not absolute. I would find that a bit strange to insist on this but then again, they have their own idiosyncrasies.

 

 

I've learned to keep my mouth shut in order to make sure they don't lose face. For example there is a famous singing show where the MCs sit and talk for part of the program and then take a break by singing and then coming back. It was SO obvious to anyone with half a brain that the singer and the MC was the exact same person - same clothes, etc. But they insisted that it was two different people. I argued for a few minutes until I could see they were really getting angry and so I conceded. 

 

I don't think I'll ever be just one of the "boys". Leave it at that.

Very tactful and pragmatic action. Absolutely correct. Their attitudes may change in the future - it may take many years.

[imron]

to keep your month shut even when you are certain that you are right.

Also known as 'pick your battles'.  If you cut people slack on the small, unimportant things, they're more likely to cut you slack on bigger more important things.

[Flickserve]

 

Key skill to survive life with a Chinese family: to keep your month shut even when you are certain that you are right.

Angelina,

 

It all depends on the situation. If you are the person to get irritated by a wrong fact on the TV and must absolutely be the winner of the argument, you may win the argument but you lose a lot more. It's not worth it.

 

I see a lot of girls get irritated by small things like this. You need to train yourself to step back and just hold yourself a little bit in expressing an opinion. Or even don't express your opinion when something wrong is said by the in-laws! If it is small thing like directions to the supermarket or a something about a TV show, just let it go. It definitely avoids a bad impression of you. Your personality may take it as an irritation but I would say it's nothing and what's the point of being irritated. Let a wave of calm and peace come over you.

[Angelina]

 

I see a lot of girls get irritated by small things like this. You need to train yourself to step back and just hold yourself a little bit in expressing an opinion. Or even don't express your opinion when something wrong is said by the in-laws! If it is small thing like directions to the supermarket or a something about a TV show, just let it go. It definitely avoids a bad impression of you. Your personality may take it as an irritation but I would say it's nothing and what's the point of being irritated. Let a wave of calm and peace come over you. 

 

 

I am only asking what it will be like if someone from a different part of the world marries a Chinese guy/girl. I'm not sure if I will be ready to accept the rules, but it's good to know what the rules are. 

 

In my part of the world people are very opinionated. Everyone seems to be an expert in everything. Chinese people seem more modest, but I'm not sure how healthy it is to keep it all inside. 

[Angelina]

 

 

Also known as 'pick your battles'.  If you cut people slack on the small, unimportant things, they're more likely to cut you slack on bigger more important things.

 

Tactics. 

[Shelley]

I am not connected to any Chinese families but some of what has been said I feel holds true for any relationship anywhere.

 

One thing I have learnt is dealing with the small stuff ie. he leaves the towels all in mess on the rail instead of spreading them out to dry. I mentioned it several times but it made no difference, then one day I realised it bugs me not him. So I should spread out the towels and quit bugging him about it.

 

This was quite a few years ago and there has been more peace and less friction now that I just get on with it and don't nag him.

 

There are some important things I just can't do and so I insist with these and I think because I let the other stuff slide he is happy to do what he knows I can't.

 

To sum up with a modern saying "don't sweat the small stuff"

 

Also going into such a relationship with your eyes wide open and as much information as possible under your belt should help.

 

 

[renzhe]

Like in any other culture, there is a full gamut of behaviours and you will run into just about everything.

In my experience, respect for the culture and an honest attempt to fit in go a very long way.

[carlo]

 

I am trying to avoid broad generalizations. I am concerned about: materialism, children and their education, fitting in and the most important part: being xiaoshun. 

In my own case, I found in-laws easy to get along with, and very tolerant of my alien ways. My younger siblings seem to treat me pretty much as one of their own -- with the older generation there's a language, or rather dialect, barrier that I've never been able to fully overcome. A few extended relatives cannot fathom why I don't buy more real estate (in China of course) and other items of conspicuous consumption, but the subject is thankfully almost never brought up. My closest relations couldn't care less if I raised sheep for a living.

 

The education of children is a complex issue. I grew up in an environment in which money was never to be mentioned, and everyone went to state schools and took public transport, period. Among my classmates I had (literally) the son of a farmer who worked at the fruit market and the daughter of a billionaire, and never thought much about it until my late teens. I now live in Hong Kong, and let's just say that it's very hard to replicate that environment here. We're trying our best, and although we both understand the theory, in practice you have to make it work. Yes, a decent Chinese school would be our preference for primary, as long as it's not run like the assembly line for Betas in "Brave New World".

[Angelina]

 

 

A few extended relatives cannot fathom why I don't buy more real estate (in China of course) and other items of conspicuous consumption, but the subject is thankfully almost never brought up. My closest relations couldn't care less if I raised sheep for a living.

 

Great. Someone managed to fit it despite not having a passion for buying property. 

 

 

 

 

Yes, a decent Chinese school would be our preference for primary, as long as it's not run like the assembly line for Betas in "Brave New World".

 

The scary part. Do you know anyone (not born in HK) who has gone for that option? 

[geraldc]

I think people entering into mixed marriages with mainland Chinese will be in a stronger position than ever. With the gender imbalance, your son even having someone to marry will put him at an advantage. Thanks to the one child policy, there won't be Chinese brother or sister in laws unless they're an overseas Chinese family.

[carlo]

 

Do you know anyone (not born in HK) who has gone for that option? 

Yes, those who are still doing it are (obviously) happy about it. The thing everyone agrees on is that parents are expected to help children do their homework, so it's harder for non-Chinese speakers. I can do the homework, however I still dislike the idea of having to help them -- I thought I'd outsourced that to the teachers, and moreover no one ever helped me, which worked out pretty well (at least I learned to get things done regardless of whether someone was looking over my shoulder). A big cultural gap there.

[Flickserve]

I am only asking what it will be like if someone from a different part of the world marries a Chinese guy/girl. I'm not sure if I will be ready to accept the rules, but it's good to know what the rules are.

In my part of the world people are very opinionated. Everyone seems to be an expert in everything. Chinese people seem more modest, but I'm not sure how healthy it is to keep it all inside.

It is fine to have an opinion. You just have to know which one's are better, consider a lot of information and consider how to deliver it - which is pretty similar for most workplace situations as well. One thing a lot of people don't manage well is changing their opinion when there is new information.

I have an opinion as well :-) I try not to make myself look stupid with it. Lol.