Chinese Families?

[Angelina]

moreover no one ever helped me, which worked out pretty well (at least I learned to get things done regardless of whether someone was looking over my shoulder). A big cultural gap there.

That's I how I learned things, too, hm, this is a big difference.

It is fine to have an opinion. You just have to know which one's are better, consider a lot of information and consider how to deliver it - which is pretty similar for most workplace situations as well. One thing a lot of people don't manage well is changing their opinion when there is new information.

I have an opinion as well :-) I try not to make myself look stupid with it. Lol.

Seriously.

I was once reading something and the family name of the author sounded like he can be from my country, so I wanted to check. There was nothing about it on his academic page. However, someone had written a comment about him that confirmed he is definitely from my country.

This guy is a major d***. He yells at his students who are late on the first day of class and tells them if they are late four more times he will fail them. He is not a native speaker of English but is stuffier than the stuffiest English professor you ever had; he has illusions of grandeur but in reality is just a stick in the mud.

There is no way he can be the product of any other society

[Hofmann]

What about the things you have learned from your Chinese families? Perseverance maybe?

I don't know. Pick your battles, of course. Also pick your friends. Making enemies is not necessarily bad. Making the right enemies is also a step in the right direction.

[Angelina]

This is too much tactics. Chinese families function in a different way. Why would you need to make allies and all? 

 

One interesting point raised by gerald is the one child policy. Maybe things are changing and there will be less of a need for tactics in the future. Maybe single children will also be more confident and less modest. 

[Hofmann]

Why would you need to make allies and all? 

Time/stress/happiness management. It's nothing elaborate. Just avoid some people because they offer less than they take.

[xuefang]

There are of course many types of Chinese families, more traditional ones and then families like mine who are quite open.

 

In any marriage or family you need to make compromises, that's for sure, but being a foreigner in a Chinese family means you have to make more compromises that you would in  your own family. But still from the beginning I decided that it's just not about impressing my new family, it's also to find out if we all can live together (we lived together for a year, now me and my hubby live next to them). I decided that I am me no matter who I marry and if that's not okey for the family, then well, perhaps we wouldn't have gotten married.

 

I also have lines I don't want to cross and I will continue to follow my belief in the most important matters to me, in small things I can compromise. Pick you battles like many in the thread have mentioned. I think there will be more lines not to cross when we will have kids, more things that I don't do compromises in.

 

Language gap is a big thing that I have to cross in order to be "one of the girls". I haven't gotten my self to really study Cantonese yet, I can also understand some words and phrases. I guess there are many reasons that I haven't been able to make my self to study it well. It will be a big step towards the inner family.

 

I get along with my mother-in-law very well, also with my sister-in-law with whom I've tried harder to make a deeper connection. I have noticed, and my hubby told me, that I can come across as hard to communicate with, so I try to make effort to have more conversations with them. I don't spend too much time with my father-in-law as we disagree in almost everything (my husband doesn't really spend time with him either). But all in all nobody in the family wants to pick a fight with me, I guess I'm not close enough yet to do that. Sure I'm happy that I can often stay out of the family drama.

[Angelina]

Thanks xuefang, 

 

I get along with my mother-in-law very well, also with my sister-in-law with whom I've tried harder to make a deeper connection. I have noticed, and my hubby told me, that I can come across as hard to communicate with, so I try to make effort to have more conversations with them. I don't spend too much time with my father-in-law as we disagree in almost everything (my husband doesn't really spend time with him either). But all in all nobody in the family wants to pick a fight with me, I guess I'm not close enough yet to do that. Sure I'm happy that I can often stay out of the family drama.

 

I'm glad you are happy. You obviously don't have to get along with every single person in the family.

 

It's nice to see how things can go well. 

 

and good luck with Cantonese! 

[jbradfor]

 

If you marry a Chinese, is it possible to do things your way without being forced to compromise?

If you think you can get married (to any culture) and not need to compromise, you are not ready for marriage.

[Angelina]

At this point I am not sure if I will be ready to marry outside of my culture. Of course you need to compromise when you get married, why I am being concerned in the first place? When it comes to intercultural marriages, these compromises seem bigger and involve your future children. 

 

 

I like this honest post

 

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/44325-an-arranged-marriage/?p=363123

Due to family pressure all three have now entered marriages decided by their parents.  I find myself needing to respect their decision to follow family wishes.  If I judge this through my independent American glasses... I would feel out raged, pissed off and ready to scream my lungs out at them.  However, this is their decision.  They have chosen to sacrifice personal happiness for family pride and family wealth.  This is not wrong in Chinese culture no matter how hard it is for us in the West of us to accept.  All I can do is continue to be a good friend and provide support whenever possible.  They are still my friends!!!!

 

 

I can respect my Chinese friends and the decisions they have made. However, I am not sure if I want to put my own children through all of the above.

[stapler]

Patience and tolerance is definitely key.

[Angelina]

Hm. I think I prefer passion and freedom over patience. Time to go back home   

 

A little patience is ok, too much patience makes it all a bit insipid. 

[Angelina]

I have been thinking and rethinking, and have finally decided not to stay in China. Thank you all for your contribution. 

 

Maybe I can have a good life here (money, career and so on), but it's not what I really want, I don't want to be a Chinese girl. 

[Hofmann]

When it comes to intercultural marriages, these compromises seem bigger and involve your future children. 

Who is there to to make such big compromises (or sacrifices) with? If it's the spouse, why are you considering them anyway? If it's the family, what do they offer that is so worth the sacrifice?

[Angelina]

I don't even have a spouse.

 

Anyway. I was actually thinking if I should sign up to spend more time in China since it's application season now. It is a major decision (3-4 years of my life) and I want to have children one day. So I wanted to know what kind of issues have people who have married into Chinese families encountered. What if I end up marrying a Chinese guy? I am not sure if I want to deal with "sacrificing personal happiness for family wealth". PhD drama will be enough for me, I don't want any soap operas, pushy parents, etc.  Don't know, I probably won't apply, it is a major decision, not sure if I will be ready for it. 

[jbradfor]

@Angelia, I don't think I "compromised" much when I married, although many of her friends said she did and could have done better :-)

 

I'm not quite show how this thread "evolved" to equating intercultural marriage to excessive compromising.  Certainly is is possible to marry wrong, and end up compromising to the point that it leads to unhappiness and resentment.  That can happen intra-culture or inter-culture.

 

Looking at the compromises in my marriage, some do fall along Western vs Eastern values.  For example, one thing that bothered me no end, petty as it sounds now, is how Chinese, when going somewhere together in separate cars, insist on trying to stay physically near, ideally following like a caravan.  It bothered me as it's slower, and it's more work to stay together, so I didn't see the point.  Later, I realized that it's a matter or priorities: I value efficiency, Chinese value staying together as a group.  There really is no "right" answer, it's a matter of what's important.

 

Other compromises don't fall along Western vs Eastern values, we're just different people, and that happens.

 

Ironically, for the compromise that is causing me the most unhappiness now (which I'm not going to air in public), I wish she would act MORE traditional Chinese.

 

I would agree that if you paired people around the world at random, intercultural pairings would probably be more strained than intracultural ones.  In general, I would think the greater the demographic differences (age, income, language, geography), the greater the strain.  But that's a strawman argument, as pairings are not random, even arranged ones.

 

 

At this point I am not sure if I will be ready to marry outside of my culture.

I applaud your self-knowledge and honesty, even if I don't agree with it for myself :-)

[Angelina]

For example, one thing that bothered me no end, petty as it sounds now, is how Chinese, when going somewhere together in separate cars, insist on trying to stay physically near, ideally following like a caravan.  It bothered me as it's slower, and it's more work to stay together, so I didn't see the point.  Later, I realized that it's a matter or priorities: I value efficiency, Chinese value staying together as a group.  There really is no "right" answer, it's a matter of what's important.

 

It sound really petty. It probably did not seem that way back then. 

 

 

Quote

 

At this point I am not sure if I will be ready to marry outside of my culture.

I applaud your self-knowledge and honesty, even if I don't agree with it for myself :-)

 

Well, different patriarchal systems use different methods to oppress their women, so who knows.  I am not sure if I will be ready to accept certain rules. There is a lot of materialism in China.

 

Of course, most things are down to personal habits and preferences anyway. 

[Shelley]

What if I end up marrying a Chinese guy?

 

Then you will have been through all the pros and cons and have to come to the decision that this guy is the one and worth it.

 

It is a major decision (3-4 years of my life) and I want to have children one day.

 

Why are these things mutually exclusive? Are you so old now that if you spend 3-4 years more studying you will be too old to attract a man and have children ?

 

At this point I am not sure if I will be ready to marry outside of my culture.

 

 

You never know what the future will bring. The important words here are At This Point.

 

You may meet a man from your own country studying Chinese at the next school/university etc. that you choose to go to for the next 3/4 years. Don't rule out meeting a European that you fall madly in love with in china

 

Personally i would rather have 3/4 years or more studying Chinese than have children ( I don't actually have any and am not going to) so this is a an easy descion for me .

 

Never say never

[Angelina]

Who knows. 

 

Why are these things mutually exclusive?

 

They are not. I want to have it all. 

 

The more you know, they less you fear. I'll see, there is a little bit of time left to decide on more China vs. no more China. 

[Shelley]

Good, remember you won't suddenly find you have married a Chinese guy, it won't sneak up on you and get you from behind.

 

You can have it all, if you believe.

 

I hope you find the decision easy to make, cos then it will probably be right.

[Simon_CH]

I agree with much of what has been said here, but would like to add that there's quite a few rather progressive Chinese families in 1st tier cities that would probably surprise many subscribers to what I would call a static view of Chinese culture. They don't consider themselves Westernised, in fact many don't speak English, but they disagree with much of traditional Chinese culture and raise their children in a culture of openness, curiosity and personal freedom not unlike what we are used to in Europe. Many others live their life at odds with socities expectations, just look at the many many unmarried, educated Chinese young professionals who are in no hurry to marry to confirm that view.  

 

I have dated a lovely young woman in her late twenties who comes from a poor rural family, but worked her way up to become a succesful professional. She lives a very independent life, something she's proud of and doesn't want to give up. Opinionated, funny and not too close with her family she would defy many stereotypes Westerners have of Chinese women. What I'm trying to say is that just because you date/marry a Chinese national doesn't mean you have to accept things that are unacceptable for you - just find someone who shares your values. It's not cultural imperialism if you insist on things that are important to you, there are literally millions of Chinese that will agree with you without you having to impose your ideas on them or make compromises that will end in frustrations for both sides. 

 

I think we shouldn't accept the narrative that Chinese culture is some monolithic bloc, something propagated by the government as well as its people at times, with "Chinese values" at its core. The love of family, filial piety, and so on... are as Chinese as they are German or Emirati. I will not deny that there is a majority with a clear idea of how things work and should be done in a relationship, but if that's not what you want find someone who doesn't too. 

[Angelina]

Well said.