Help with my first short story and poem

[Noian]

Hello everyone!

 

I've been learning Mandarin for a few years and recently started learning Classical. I wrote a short story and a jueju poem (no connection between them), in order to practice, they are not much. I hope the more advanced of you in wenyan can help me and point out and correct my mistakes.

 

Here is the short story (I only used dots and commas for punctuation):

金蝙蝠

昔有年輕士人夕從容徐步觀花。暮霞明，蝙蝠飛笑春風。士之絳衣若甚貴，故二賊臨之而曰，將爾之錢與我則不害爾。士人不畏之而曰，我無錢矣，惟爾隨我歸屋則可與爾如意，我屋無人也。乃賊隨之。此士人善良無怨，行時與賊議其得富之法，其口發契石之風，其舌滅貪心之劍也。到屋矣，賊始以錢充其多囊。一賊猝惶惑，己不知何故，於他賊曰，今走今走。曰，何故。但此賊不答而走，他賊惧而即亦走，所盜者不多矣。一日昊天深青無雲，赫日之光燭五色市。先走之賊逢士人而恥曰，吾悔過，妙哉君之言矣，吾今明知之而願進於義之道，我友盜他人之寶而已被捕，賊之慾終成妄，雖或得其所貪者必有報，固如近險，雖有富，吾如何樂之。士人笑曰，汝曾混濁而今清如泉水，誠吾悅，勸汝終朝讀書以明世事，如此得其福也易矣，人將敬之，何如。曰，吾將從君之訓。謝之而離。願又見之而轉頭。不見士人，惟見金蝙蝠翱翔而舞。

 

And the poem:

青春

池上百花穠

囀鶯侵古松

赤宮含美玉

四面見人蹤

 

I have some alternative lines for the poem, I'm open to suggestions as to which one is best: alternative 1st line - 池上春花豔,alternative 2nd - 啼鶯聚古松, alternative 3rd - 肉宮含美玉

 

Looking forward to any corrections and suggestions ! Also a question if anyone happens to know, did the Ming and Qing poets all use 平水韻 to rhyme jueju or was it acceptable to rhyme in vernacular?

[skylee]

囀？

I like the story. I don't really know much about classical Chinese, but my rule of thumb is that, if I read something new and understand it, then it is hardly classical.

And I think some parts are obviously wrong. Like 乃賊隨之 and 今走今走.

And I like 我無錢矣. I think it will make a nice tattoo.

[Noian]

I don't really mean it to be classical in a pre-Qin style sense, just literary. 囀 means to chirp, but I made a different version of the poem, here it is:

 

徐步

池上白芙蓉

啼鶯聚古松

花間求舞蝶

遠聞涧淙淙

[skylee]

I like #3.