Assertive female co-worker....

[alwaysstriving]

I just started working at a school for adults in Beijing.

 

The first day I worked there (last week) a female co-worker who I met in the lunchroom suggested that we play tennis together sometime. I thought she was just being friendly and I said that we should one of these days. We have both been busy working but friendly enough when we see each other at work for the past week.

 

Today I was alone in the teacher's office preparing some materials and she came and sat down next to me. She said that she wants to start getting together with me from next week for the tennis that we talked about. I said sure, we talked about our schedules exchanged wechat and phone numbers etc...She then said that it didn't have to be tennis but anything and that we could meet at a coffee shop and get to know each other and make plans from there. During the conversation she said  "have you found your partner, I mean apartment yet?" At the end of the conversation she said "thank you very much for your time". She was very polite and I was genuinly impressed at how self confident she was. I am interested in her.

 

I am new to Beijing and new to China. Although I had Korean girlfriends when I taught in Korea, the situation described above would be virtually impossible to fathom in Korea (or anywhere else that I'v ever lived for that matter). I'm just an average guy and there's nothing special about me.

 

Are Beijing/Chinese girls known to be this assertive? I don't have a bad feeling about her, but  I was surprized at how assertivly and confidently that she persued me.

 

I'm 31 and I would guess that she's my age. Maybe she wants to get a western guy and live in America/Canada.

 

Thanks in advance for any insight/advice.

[edelweis]

It seems that, by Chinese standards, 31 is "old" for a woman to be still unmarried.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheng_nu

Perhaps she thinks that she has no Chinese prospects because of this.

Perhaps you could ask her why she wants to socialize with you.

 

Were your Korean girlfriends the same age or younger? Just curious.

I don't know whether there is the same pressure on Korean women to get married around 25.

[amandagmu]

Yeah, you know, this can sometimes happen with the opposite sex as well albeit not as frequently. It's not exactly the same because the phenomenon above is definitely more of a factor ('leftover women' pressue) but even back when I was studying in China in my mid-late 20s and single, I kept meeting men who would not leave me alone. Agreeing to one lunch, one study session - or in one case an invitation to swim at the same time at Beijing University - led to these young men persistently calling and texting me nonstop, expecting me to spend every waking moment with them. It was a huge turn off for me personally and they could not understand 1) that I wanted time alone or 2) even more so how I would want other men as my friends rather than boyfriends. Drove me nuts! I remember turning off and/or un-plugging phones.

[Lu]

The shengnü issue might be a factor, and in addition there is a certain subset of Chinese women who really want a foreign boyfriend. Sometimes for the passport, or the money, but often because they find foreign features attractive or because they consider foreign men more gentlemanlike. Such women are more likely to be pro-active in pursuing men they take an interest in.

 

But proceed with caution. Chinese women (and men) often date with intent to marry, which means that once you get into a relationship with her, she might expect you to marry her within a few years, and breaking up after a while is not really an acceptable outcome, unless there is a very good reason (and 'I'm just not feeling it anymore' or 'we're too different' or the like are not good enough). In addition, this is a coworker. I'd advise you to take things very, very slowly, and if you're interested in finding a Chinese girlfriend, perhaps look outside of work.

[Shelley]

I think all of the above is good advice, but for me the biggest reason to keep this women at arms length and give her no reason at all to think a relationship is possible is because you are co-workers, nothing worse than working with your other half especially if things go wrong.

 

i would give this women a wide berth and as suggested by other find a GF outside of work.

[edelweis]

Perhaps alwaysstriving wants to get married, and the coworker does too, and they might fall in love and post wedding photos followed by baby photos    (with the occasional mandatory cultural misunderstanding/inquiry post).

[anonymoose]

she might expect you to marry her within a few years

 

Given the way you've described the situation, I reckon she'll bring up the topic within one month.

 

Unless she's extremely hot, I'd run for the hills personally.

[Silent]

 

I am new to Beijing and new to China. Although I had Korean girlfriends when I taught in Korea, the situation described above would be virtually impossible to fathom in Korea (or anywhere else that I'v ever lived for that matter).

Never lived in China, but I'm not really surprised. While travelling I've experienced Chinese women to be quite assertive, and actually in many countries that often are considered quite conservative women can be quite straightforward in pursuing their desires.

 

It's hard to judge what the real motives and expectations are. Where in many countries fianancial/visa motives seem to dominate my impression is that in China this seems only a minority or considered a bonus. I've the impression most Chinese women fall into one of three categories. The 'leftovers' desperate to get married mostly in their 20's, but also divorced/widowed, girls exited/curious about foreigners often times very young but after a serious relationship/marriage (once a 14 or 15  y/o told me, 38 at the time, after only one meeting and a couple of mails/phone calls, that she talked to her mother and mom said it was a good idea to marry a foreigner). The third category seems just interested in a little fun, these are typically intelligent/well educated career women late 20's/30's living in a big city.

 

Specially the first two categories seem to have quite different expectations from europeans. An attitude of no sex before marriage(commitment) is not uncommon but some also explicitly tell that in order to reel in a foreigner they're willing to negotiate this as foreigners have different expectations.

 

I second what others said. Getting involved with a colleague can complicate things specially when working together closely or things get sour. 

[Basil]

It's possible that you are mainly interested in her because she has so openly declared your interest in you and you are flattered.

 

But... reread your opening post...

 

She's a forceful organiser. She might accept a 'no' to an activity now, if you were to let her marry you, it's likely you'll never have right to reply again.

 

Run for the hills...

[ChTTay]

It could also be that she really just does want to hang out and make a 'foreign friend' though. The slip of the tongue could actually be a slip. Working as a teacher for a while now, I've seen a number of Chinese teachers join up to improve their English further - by hanging out with foreigners and hopefully making some foreign friends.

 

Of course, you've interacted with her. If you get the feeling she 'likes' you... then it probably is her trying to hang out, go on dates, make you her boyfriend.

 

If you are interested, I'd just go for it. The above advice does ring true that many Chinese women do date with marriage in mind. However, I've found in Beijing this is less of an issue. At least with women who try and date foreigners. It is still something to bear in mind if you do become an item. For just dating/handing out, I wouldn't worry so much about it.

 

Then there is also the issue Shelley brings up ... if you hang out and become close but then it doesn't work out ... could get pretty awkward at work. I've known a few teachers date Chinese teachers at the same school, become an item, then break up. In those cases, most of the Chinese teachers aren't so friendly to the foreign teacher. The situation usually gets better once the Chinese teacher quits - which also seems to happen eventually in these cases.

[Flickserve]

I think Shelley and ChTTay are right. It could get awkward.

 

Of course you will meet more self assertive and confident women first. Are you sure she's around your age?

 

I think it really depends on your style. If you are the passive sort of character and wiling to take the lead, such a person is OK.

 

If you are the person who requires your own time away, make your own decisions, dropping into a relationship that quickly could ruin the work relationship.

 

I think a good strategy is to be friendly and invite other colleagues to the tennis game and later the coffee shop and make a bigger social gathering.

[anonymoose]

self assertive and confident women

 

I am all for women being self assertive and confident (shouldn't that be assertive and self confident?), but the impression I get, from the original post, is that this woman is not only confident and assertive, but also pushy and presumptuous. Of course, my impression may be widely different from the reality of the situation, but the way I imagine this (and this is only my imagination) is that this woman has a clear objective, which is to get hooked up as soon as possible. She probably doesn't even see the OP as a person, but rather as an object through which she can fulfill her objective.

 

The "let's play tennis" suddenly changing into "meet at a coffee shop and get to know each other and make plans from there" sounds like she already has her plan figured out.

[edelweis]

Never lived in China, but I'm not really surprised. While travelling I've experienced Chinese women to be quite assertive,

[...]

(once a 14 or 15 y/o told me, 38 at the time, after only one meeting and a couple of mails/phone calls, that she talked to her mother and mom said it was a good idea to marry a foreigner).

Did a 14 year-old schoolgirl force the 38 year old you into a date?

Did you bail out only after learning she wanted marriage?

Perhaps you might want to elaborate?

[Demonic_Duck]

Can't comment on Silent's situation (definitely not advisable to encourage that kind of thing with mail and phone calls), but I had a somewhat similar situation with the 15-year-old daughter of a former colleague. Sometimes the daughter would come to "hang out" in our office when she had finished school, which was fine, except that she had a rather obvious crush on me (staring, making compliments etc). which made me a little uncomfortable. But the weirdest thing was that her mother almost seemed to encourage it, or at least didn't see anything wrong with it. For example, I told the daughter I had a girlfriend at the time (which wasn't true) and her mother couldn't see any reason why I might have wanted to lie about it. She also told me on a couple of occasions "she likes you", just in a very matter of fact way, to which my response was "uhh... yeah, I thought so. [Change of subject.]"

 

As for OP's situation, overall I would say that the archetype of a "traditional Chinese woman" as meek and unassertive doesn't really hold much water these days, and that Chinese women behaving very assertively as described in the OP aren't at all uncommon. It may well be that the end goal is marriage, but equally it could be that the end goal is simply sex. Or, of course, a mix of the two. I think what's less likely is that the end goal is a semi-casual yet exclusive relationship that lasts for a year or three and then peters out. When people (female or male, Chinese or otherwise) act that assertively, there's normally more of a specific goal in mind.

[Lu]

I think what's less likely is that the end goal is a semi-casual yet exclusive relationship that lasts for a year or three and then peters out.

I think this is actually exactly the kind of relationship that Chinese women tend to not sign up for, while in many European countries as well as the US this is a normal expectation. So this is a cultural difference to be very wary of.

 

I agree with ChTTay that the partner/'partment slip of the tongue was probably just a slip of the tongue, but apart from that she does seem to have a serious interest.

[max_power]

" It may well be that the end goal is marriage, but equally it could be that the end goal is simply sex." Agree with the Duck dude. Just be more carefully handling relationship with chinese girls.

[gato]

Very few Chinese know that "partner" is another term for "significant other" or "spouse", so most likely she misspoke.

[roddy]

just started ... first day... last week

 

A workplace romance is often ill-advised at any point, but when you've just got off the plane in a new country - walk away. In fact, walk into a nearby cafe or bar and smile and be friendly to people. 

[Enoxus]

The story you’ve told sounds more like a “Flash Fiction” to me, but it could be real. 

 

It’s unusual no matter where it happens. It’s not about A Chinese girl or Chinese females. It’s about this one, she herself as one of a kind, probably. 

No matter how China has changed or how open minded the Chinese girls have become, assertive girls are not the “mainstream”. Individuals can be unique and special, just like a “famous” female Weibo user in China would give free “sex service” to poor or low class people, but this doesn’t explain the whole Chinese women  at all. 

 

I’m a bit interested in a few things that you described:

I am new to Beijing and new to China…The first day I worked there (last week)

I'm just an average guy and there's nothing special about me…Although I had Korean girlfriends when I taught in Korea. 

"thank you very much for your time"

 

 

 

You could be super charming and she’s not the only one who got attracted by you. She happened to be the first one who showed her “passion” (maybe because she’s single?). And you are not an average guy if you had foreign girlfiendS where you’d lived. I’m an average guy. I’ve traveled dozens of countries and I speak three languages but I never had A foreign girlfriend, and I wasn’t that poor. 

 

If she speaks and reads English and she needs a foreign passport, I believe she knows about Match Dot Com or 世纪佳缘. It’s not difficult for a person who speaks or even teaches English in China to get to know some foreigners and develop relationships. By the way, if you are working in a school that has a history of having foreign teachers, then you might not be the first one she’d been assertive with. 

 

My advice: go play or read anything with her if you want, based on all the fun activities would not involve a bed during the actions, at least for now.

[889]

You can be sure that everyone else in the school knows what's happening. They're watching it unroll like a soap opera.

 

Not that you can ask anyone, since word would quickly get back to her.

 

But handle this wrong and you'll probably have to find a new job.