Advice on how to prevent marriage.

[Ge Xing]

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[imron]

What can I do to prevent their marriage?

If you can't convince the girl on your own, then nothing really, especially if you're limited to things that don't make you look like an arsehole in the eyes of your ex-fiancee and her family/friends.

[Chris Two Times]

Seconded what imron stated, if you can't convince her on your own, then nothing really.

 

I think interfering in this with a real intent to stop the marriage will end very badly for everyone involved.

 

While you do love her, and she may love you, would you really want to be with someone long-term who succumbs to pressure from others on decisions that affect her life directly (yes, yes, I know, but this is China...and the huge pressure...and the yadda yadda yadda) and lets others decide things for her in her own life? I know, I know, I am not you, but I wouldn't want that at all for myself.

 

Maybe, as hard as it sounds, perhaps, it's better to just let go.

 

Wow...just looked at that wikihow website (which seemed kinda creepy to me actually)...breaking up the marriage AT the ceremony?!? HUGE loss of face ensues...perhaps forcing her to drop out of her Chinese family and community which is what she wanted to avoid in the first place...and then I guess she's a gonna be hatin' you for that fer sure.

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times

[imron]

..breaking up the marriage AT the ceremony?!?

This wouldn't work in modern China anyway because the legal marriage (getting forms stamped in the registry office) often occurs months before the big ceremony (though this assumes you are all in China, and not outside of China).

 

 

 

and then I guess she's a gonna be hatin' you for that fer sure.

That's pretty much it.  If you can't convince the girl on your own, then you probably can't break up this marriage without destroying your future chances of having a relationship with her.

 

Her actions are actually a pretty good indication that you aren't meant for each other, so thank her for showing you that now rather than 10 years, 2 kids and a mortgage later, and let her go.  It's the only way you'll be able to find peace within yourself.

[Chris Two Times]

Her actions are actually a pretty good indication that you aren't meant for each other, so thank her for showing you that now rather than 10 years, 2 kids and mortgage later, and let her go.  It's the only way you'll be able to find peace within yourself.

 

This is exactly what I really wanted to say and I thank imron for writing it better than I ever could have. This is indeed the bottom line and I think imron's words here must be seriously heeded.

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times

[ZhangKaiRong]

@Ge Xing

 

I'm sorry to thear the story. I know the feeling as I was also dumped by a Chinese girl before when I studied in China. She was forced by her parents to marry a guy who was a son of her father's business partner.

 

The problem is that you see the issue from the Western point of view. Traditionally, marriage in China (and in Japan/Korea/Vietnam) is not necessarily related to love between the couple, as in most cases the parents decided who to marry. Marriage is a contract between two families and not two individuals. It was quite the same in the Western world as well, until the 20th century when freedom of choosing your partner became common. Some urban Chinese living in big cities accustomed to this new kind of way, however the majority of the population is still quite traditional about marriage.

 

My advice is to let her go. If you couldn't persuade her or her family that you're a suitable candidate to be her husband, then there is no hope. In case of Chinese girls, you don't just marry her, you marry into her family. Do you really want to be a part of a family where you are ignored and not accepted, and facing the constant blames and complains that she have could found a better party?

 

Accept the fact and move on with your life. I'm positive that you will find another girl and build your happiness together.

[陳德聰]

Then she started an affair...

Am I missing something here? While I understand that parental approval is super important in the whole dating a Chinese person thing... You're saying that she chose to go and be with someone else, not that her parents picked a suitor or whatever. "My parents don't like you" could really just be an attempt to soften the blow.

 

Edit: "It's not you, it's my parents" popped into my mind just now.

[Lu]

Even the WikiHow advises against it in the header:

In reality though, halting a wedding from going ahead - for any reason - is a very delicate situation that can easily backfire on you and spoil a significant day.

Also consider the other advice given there:

Don't just think about yourself in this equation. Be honest about your belief that your beloved is not happy with the person he or she is about to marry. It is possible, after all, that they have made this choice after a great deal of soul-searching, based on their own wants, needs, and preferences. Sometimes a person will prefer a pragmatic, realistic, and reliable love choice over a deep love that they feel isn't going to fulfill specific needs in their life. (...) It can be incredibly hard, if not impossible, to really get an accurate picture of a relationship from the outside. You may object for some reason to the pairing, but ask yourself: does your view trump their happiness? Try to see the future from their perspectives.

 

Apart from that are the practicalities. As others already said, once the traditional ceremony is on, the couple is usually already legally married. Trying to interfere with the legal marriage when they're registering it would entail making trouble in a government building, which is a bad idea.

 

You have only two options. One is already given above: realise that she has made her choice, that this really and truly sucks for you, you're entitled to feel sad and hurt, but you need to accept the situation and move on. The other option is to contact her and try to convince her of choosing you again instead of her fiance. If you take that latter option, be aware that you will mainly make things even more difficult for her. Some of the pressure is now off her, and if you would try to talk her out of it, you're adding new pressure.

 

I wish you all the best, it's a sad thing to have happen to you and I hope you'll feel better soon.

[vellocet]

You don't marry a Chinese girl, you marry her whole family.

 

Even if you could somehow convince her, her family would hate you for doing it and it would ruin her life.  I'm sure this sounds romantic from a Western point of view, running away and putting yourself first, but from a Chinese point of view it is nothing worse than a tragedy.

[Ge Xing]

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[Flickserve]

.... I'm sure this sounds romantic from a Western point of view, running away and putting yourself first, but from a Chinese point of view it is nothing worse than a tragedy.

from any point of view, a person envisaging themselves running off with the bride has been watching too many films.

[roddy]

Tell her what you think and then get out of the way,

. 

[lips]

Get some pointers from this post.

[anonymoose]

Find an attractive girl, about 28 years old, who would be willing to pursue the guy. She should pursue him until he caves in and falls for her charms. She should collect photographic evidence of this guy dallying with her behind the fiancée's back. Obviously the more graphic the evidence, the higher the impact, but just kissing her may suffice. Then show it to the fiancée and her family.

[li3wei1]

Had a friend who thsi happened too, but the marriage happened without even him knowing about it. She'd told him she was off on vacation with her mother. It was tough on him, but he ended up having an affair (or continuing their affair) with her. The groom may even have known about it.

[Lu]

It was tough on him, but he ended up having an affair (or continuing their affair) with her.

This sounds like a bad idea to me. I'd assume that eventually, the jilted man in question would want a girlfriend who doesn't also sleep with someone else (ie her husband), or get married, or start a family. None of that is possible if you continue dating your ex who is now married. Best just make a clean cut and get it over with.

[陳德聰]

I just think this whole thing gives her way too little agency. If she honestly thought you were worth giving it all up, she would have just gone for it. Either you didn't let her get to know your good side before her parents found out about you, or your good side isn't that compelling.

Whatever the reason, I don't understand why you are not willing to just accept her choice. If you don't believe she made a choice here, then fine. But this is real life, not some fantasy movie where you are the hero saving her from her family and the society she lives in.

[Chris Two Times]

Why does this current thread remind me of post #128 on page 7 of that other thread?

 

http://www.chinese-forums.com/index.php?/topic/44325-an-arranged-marriage/page-7

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times

[Ge Xing]

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[Ge Xing]

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