Advice on how to prevent marriage.

[edelweis]

So? Do you imagine that you somehow preventing the marriage will suddenly make "every other person on a street" suddenly change their mind?

[li3wei1]

Presumably you've made the offer: "come with me, and I'll provide X, Y, and Z, to make up for all that you'd be losing." and she's turned it down. Either up the offer, or back off. Forcing her into accepting it, or ruining her life so her bargaining position is weaker and she'll be more likely to accept it, is not really something you do to someone you love.

[Shelley]

I don't know anything about you but I am pretty sure you can't offer her a life that would make up for leaving her whole family and life behind.

 

I guess you feel that everyone is saying that its ok as long as she is happy doing what she needs to do and no one has thought about you being unhappy because you no longer have her. Well this is one of problems that a cross cultural relationship has, and someone has to lose.

 

As the single western man it is consider reasonable that you will return to your home country, lick your wounds and eventually settle down with a nice girl from your home town.

 

Take a deep breath, let time pass, think seriously about things and you will come to see that:

" although it may not be clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"

Quote from the Desiderata here http://www.cs.columbia.edu/~gongsu/desiderata_textonly.html

 

This is my credo and my moral guidence and support through life.

[Ge Xing]

del

[Ge Xing]

del

[yueni]

@Ge Xing

 

I don't think you get it. Everybody here is telling you that there is no way for you to "save a Chinese girl from a forced marriage" without at best, making life even more difficult for the girl in question, and at worst, not just making life difficult for her, but for her entire family and for you as well.

 

You are in China. In China, the Western ideal of love and romance is a great fantasy, but is not considered necessary in a marriage. Move on, and stop thinking destructive thoughts about preventing a marriage from happening, because it seems like if her parents have their way (and they very likely will if the girl will not actively oppose them on her own), there is literally nothing you can do.

 

Move. On.

[abcdefg]

The question is quite concrete: how to prevent marriage. (of two people, who don't love each other) Any ideas about that are welcome.

 

The main idea and the main suggestion is that it isn't something you should try to do.

 

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Edit: I see Yueni just said the same thing above, and said it very well. (We posted at the same time.)

[lips]

I can't see discussing how to prevent a specific marriage in China has any business to be on this forum. The OP is not interested in listening to any opinion based on Chinese culture, he only wants the specific steps to prevent the marriage, and wouldn't take "no" for an answer.

[Ge Xing]

del

[imron]

@Ge Xing, you might love her, and she might love you, but a marriage requires more than love to survive - it also needs commitment to each other and to the concept of marriage.

Even without parental and other pressure, all marriages will go through periods of stress that will test the relationship. Stress from children, stress from loss of work or other financial pressures, stress from illness or disability, stress from conflicting views and misunderstandings, stress from infidelity or attraction to others, stress from growing apart and wanting different things in life. All of which are compounded in an international marriage where one partner will always be surrounded by a foreign culture and language.

At some point, most marriages will go through some or all of the above stresses, and in times of stress it can sometimes be really difficult to feel the love. Some marriages will come through these ordeals stronger, some will come through weaker but still intact, others will crumble and fail or be so badly damaged that the rot has set in and resentment will eventually cause things to fail.

So, you might be in love with each other, but faced with its first real stress test, your relationship failed. You can take the parents and everyone else out of the equation, but your eventual marriage would have come across other stresses sooner or later, and as much as it hurts, it's better to find out now rather than later that it was not able to withstand such tests.

The reality is, your ex is not entering into a forced marriage, it's something she chose after weighing up all her options and deciding that was easier than dealing with the other stress and pressure she was getting.

She might still love you, she might still choose to be with you if there were no other concerns, but there are other concerns, concerns that won't just go away, and so she made her choices based on what she views as most important to her.

Something else to think about - even if you could get her back, could your renewed relationship survive the breach of trust that occurred?

[Ge Xing]

del

[imron]

Are you answering the question "What can I do to prevent their marriage"?

I answered that in the very first response - speaking as someone who has 'experienced love in their lives AND familiar with Chinese culture'.  If you can't convince her you are worth it, then you can't prevent the marriage.

 

So, if someone threatens you with a gun and demands your money, then you weren't robbed

Was your ex threatened with a gun to marry this person?  If so, that's illegal under Chinese law and the marriage would be invalid.  Forced marriages are also illegal under Chinese law, so if your girlfriend felt she was being forced in to a marriage then she would have legal recourse against that.  Does she want to find a way to stop this marriage going ahead also?  If not, she has made her choice and it is not you.

 

Note:  You believing that she is being forced, or her telling you she is being pressured in to it (but accepts it anyway) is not enough under Chinese law for it to be considered forced.

 

Which breach of trust? Whatever, but this is not my situation.

You mentioned she started an affair with someone else - so directly relevant to your situation, and most people would consider that a breach of trust.

[Ge Xing]

del

[imron]

Does your girlfriend feel like she is being forced in to this marriage?

 

If so, Section 2, Article 5 of Chinese Marriage Law States:

第五条　结婚必须男女双方完全自愿，不许任何一方对他方加以强迫或任何第三者加以干涉。

 

Which roughly translated states: 'Marriage requires that both male and female parties enter in to it completely willingly.  No-one (including other third parties) is allowed to force or interfere in the marriage'.

 

If you show her that and let her know you want to help her stop this marriage, but she still decides to go ahead with it, then her claims of being forced by her parents are likely (from a Chinese perspective) a polite, face-saving way to refuse you, rather than her actually being forced in to this marriage.

 

and avoid discussing unrelated matters.

Despite your protests to the contrary, all the advice I've seen here has been more or less directly related to your situation.

[Flickserve]

Imron gives sound advice.

[Shelley]

This guess of yours is wrong.

 

Oh, I can't imagine what you have to offer that is worth her giving up her family, because if she goes against her family and marries you, she will have to give up her family and all the support that entails and that is very important to the chinese way of life.

 

Now I guess that when your relatives are sick, you don't rush to hospital, because "everything that happens is God's will".

 

I didn't mention God, and no, that's not what that quote means.

 

It means there are some things you can't change.

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

Another quote that puts in to words better than I can what I am trying to say.

[roddy]

Right, I'm convinced. We're doing a heist. In, get the girl, out, quick and easy. I'm the mastermind. Imron, hack security. Flickserve, pole vault the fence. Abcdefg, eyes on the inside. Lips, yueni, snatch squad. Keep her quiet, she won't know what's going on. Edelweis, getaway driver. No-one gets hurt if they don't act funny. Rendezvous at the yacht.

[Lu]

I generally agree with Imron, but I have to say that a marriage can be forced even if no-one has a gun to their head. If under the overwhelming pressure of parents, family, friends and society at large, a woman (or man) feels compelled to marry a certain partner, even if that was not their own choice, that's also a way of forcing them. The problem is, in such cases there is no real legal recourse, because anything other than marrying that person means a major breach with family, friends and culture at large, and the forced person now has a problem that is at least as big as the planned marriage.

 

All that said, OP, you have already been given advice. As Imron, Chris, myself, and that WikiHow said: talk to her and try to convince her. That's it. That's the only way you can prevent this marriage and perhaps win her back. Dramatic gestures won't work, both for practical reasons (the ceremony is not the official wedding) and for real-life reasons (this is not a movie).

 

If her family has any practical considerations that you can change (your hair is too long, you haven't been polite to them, you can't cook, you don't have a job, whatever it is), do everything you can to change that. But they might just not like you whatever you do.

 

OP, what you probably want to hear is 'Jump up when she makes her second bow to her in-laws, shout the magic formula and she'll run off with you and you two will be happily ever after.' Or perhaps 'If someone else kisses the groom-to-be, the engagement will be broken off, but only if the kiss was with tongue.' Unfortunately, there is no such perfect moment or magic formula, or set of rules about who can't do what.

 

If you love this woman and want to help her, bow out gracefully, occasionally keep in touch, and support her when you can (if she wants you to). But don't try to force her into not marrying anymore than her family is forcing her into marrying.

[Shelley]

@roddy that put a smile on my face, kinda glad you left me out, don't know what I could have brought to the party

[abcdefg]

A blockbuster caper movie starring Jackie Chan: "The Great Chinese Bride Heist."