Dating advice, Chinese co-worker

[TheWind]

So, I quite fancy my co-worker and it would seem from a western point of view that she does me as well. By this i mean she sends "signals" constantly touching/holding arm, laughing, etc..

 

The only reason I've yet to ask her out is because we aren't just co-workers, we are also desk mates, so If things didn't go the way I planned, then I would awkwardly sit next to her for the remainder of my stay. As well, I'm not one you could call "experienced" in the world of dating, as I just find the opposite sex a bit confusing, so this has been another reason I've yet to say something. 

 

I feel at as if I'm at a crossroads because if I leave without saying anything then I don't want to regret it later in life. 

 

Any suggestions, ideas, past experiences, ways to approach a Chinese girl? Pretty much anything could be useful to me. 

 

Thanks

[Lu]

This is fraught for exactly the reason you already mention: if it doesn't work out, both you and she would have an awkward time at work.

 

My advice: go into the world and meet other women. Talk to them, get to know them, and if you like someone out there, ask her out. Repeat until someone says yes. Live happily ever after. There are many places elsewhere on the internet where you can find more detailed advice on how to do all that, so I won't give it here.

 

Meanwhile, enjoy the fact that you have a co-worker you like; never ever make a move on her; and do your best not to make friends with her outside of work, since that would confuse and escalate things quickly.

 

And now I shall sit back and wait to see if you take this advice, or if you come back in six months asking how to plan a Chinese wedding.

[Flickserve]

Dissociate from hormonal tendencies and keep it platonic. The exception would be if either of you move job and then you meet outside of work.

[vellocet]

Don't shit where you live, brother.  Work first, women second.  You can find lots of girls everywhere BUT where you make your money.  If she wants you that bad, one of you has to quit. 

[Shelley]

Have to agree with all that has been said.

 

It is not worth having to spend the rest of your stay in a miserable situation.

 

Also remember that you may be mistaking her "signals" because you are interpreting them with western eyes.

 

She may just feel safe with you because she doesn't consider you dating material because you are co-workers and shouldn't date.

 

Steer clear for both your sakes.

[Kamikaze]

I agree with vellocet and Shelley:  you can't be sure about what she wants and you can't lose your job but you can try to do her friend or even "friend" knowing you can't involve your feelings to much.

 

In a future (if you are not co-workers anymore for other circumstances), other kind of relationship could be possible

[Pokarface]

I know married people at my office that work in the same office.

They often avoid each other, lol.

 

I'd look for someone else and since you seem to have a good friendship already,

become really good friends with her...who said she doesn't have pretty girl friends that DO NOT work at the same office as both of you? ;-)

She'll introduce you to them. That's what friends are for =-p

 

However, If you REALLY want her, do it.

Overall, I've met more people that regret things they didn't do than regret things they did. 

If you do ask her out and she friends-zone you, then it might be awkward for her to introduce you to her girl  friends in the future.

So it could be a lose-lose situation. You won't get her or any of her friends   ...

And well, if you do imply you like one of her friends and she DOES like you, she'll get jealous and you'll know that she can't friend-zone you from that point on. Everything else you do with that information, is up to you.

 

It's a Nash Equilibrium game!!

Yes, I'm talking from experience    

[Shelley]

Just had a thought, if you are still keen on her a few days or a week before you leave, you could ask her out then and if it all comes to nought, you won't have to spend too many days sitting awkwardly next to her, but if it works out you could make future plans to see each other.

 

A sort of compromise solution.

[ChTTay]

It could get tricky as other posters have said but id say ... Go for it. I met my girlfriend of 4 years at work and in a small Chinese city. We live together in Beijing now.

Just move slowly. Go for coffee/lunch, watch a movie together. Invite her to something that friends are also going to etc and see how and if the relationship looks to be developing.

I would say if you're absolutely sure you're going to leave China in "x" amount of months, don't start anything.

[Flickserve]

Watch a movie together? Recipe for disaster. Only eat together when in groups.

The risks here outweigh the benefits. But you know, hormones are hormones.

[ChTTay]

But it could be one of the biggest positives in his life, depending how it goes.

Even if it ends badly, still a potentially worthwhile life experience.

I'd still at least make slow moves and see if anything happens.

"Hormones are hormones" seems a bit belittling

[arrow]

I too fell in love with my co-worker whose seat was next to me, and after half a year we got married just a while ago.

Of course I'm not against OP, so my advice will be:

1. Try not to be romantic at work, otherwise it's ok. She won't feel comfortable if other co-workers start talking about you.
2. Be patient, don't rush. Try to be friendly at first, then upgrade your relationship gradually.
3. Be yourself, don't act like someone else to win her, it'll ruin your relationship eventually.
4. Don't open yourself too much at a time, it'll take time for her to embrace you.
5. If it doesn't feel right at some point, don't push but step back for a while then get back again, be patient as I mentioned above.
6. Do right thing at right time. If it feel right to upgrade your relationship, don't hesitate, follow your heart.

Good luck!

[gato]

Trying hanging out together and get to know her outside of work, but don't take it physical unless you are absolutely sure she's right for you and it won't be just a fling. Even then, be more extra careful about getting physical. Once you get physical, it'll be more awkward if it ends.

[abcdefg]

By this i mean she sends "signals" constantly touching/holding arm, laughing, etc..

 

I see this has been mentioned above. But when I read that sentence, alarm bells went off. The "signals" here are not the same as in the US, at least not all of them. You may be reading her very wrong. That happens a lot. It has happened to me more than once.

 

Actually, I could write a book about how different the "signals" are between the US and China.

[somethingfunny]

Consider carefully her age and background.  Whatever people might think about women's attitudes towards relationships in China, the truth is that she might have radically different expectations to what you do.  For example, if all of her friends are married and she complains about her parents pressuring her to into relationships and talking about grandchildren then you might want to think twice.

[Chris Two Times]

^^^ I wanted to give somethingfunny +2 for the above, but I'll have to settle for the +1.

 

QUESTION: how long have you known your co-worker?

 

I am another one who is in the "don't do it" camp. True true, about regretting things you didn't do, but I don't think this is one of those times for that.

 

Save that sentiment for the "man, I regret not taking that trip to Dunhuang, Gansu" or "I should have really gotten the scorpions on a stick down on Wangfujing" moments.

 

I personally think that the "but she may be the one! Making a move may change your life" sentiment is more suitable for the next Hollywood rom-com to come out and less for real life relationships...please excuse my cynicism.

 

I definitely go with vellocet...don't shit where you eat.

 

Now, stop daydreaming about your co-worker...and GIT BACK TA WORK!

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times

[Chris Two Times]

abcdefg,

 

Waiting for that book to come out...

 

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times

[Lumbering Ox]

 

abcdefg

 

I see this has been mentioned above. But when I read that sentence, alarm bells went off. The "signals" here are not the same as in the US, at least not all of them. You may be reading her very wrong. That happens a lot. It has happened to me more than once.

 

Actually, I could write a book about how different the "signals" are between the US and China.

 

Please do tell.

 

I knew a girl at university about 25 years ago from HK and she never once flashed a signal at me, but I had no idea if that was because she was quiet and shy and a culture thing or if she was just repulsed at the concept of my existence and she only tolerated me out of politeness.

4 or 5 semesters, never even asked her out as friends as I didn't want to ruin the acquaintance level contact when I ran into her on campus.

 

To this day I have huge regrets for multiple reasons. If someone as the OP says doesn't have much dating experience, I say go for it. Don't be a huge me.

 

I came across a more recent situation but again without the flirting. Yet she met me twice and kept in contact and seemed interested, or enough to have me drive in for an hour to meet her. Is the lack of flirting non interest or her spending the first 30 years in the PRC including her first 10 under the cultural revolution.

[imron]

Waiting for that book to come out...

We all are

[Flickserve]

But it could be one of the biggest positives in his life, depending how it goes.

Even if it ends badly, still a potentially worthwhile life experience.

I'd still at least make slow moves and see if anything happens.

"Hormones are hormones" seems a bit belittling

one of the biggest positives = I haven't hit the jackpot in a lottery yet. However, the more tickets I buy, the more likely the better my chances.

In a lottery, you only lose your money. Risks are only financial. Risks in this situation are not being able to get away and emotional baggage at work.

Of course there are 'success' stories. People like to emphasize their successes rather than the failures. Almost like the smokers. Smokers used to justify to themselves "My dad/uncle etc have been smoking and still lived to 90years old". Those ones who died have no stories to tell.