My wives family is strange, or?

[Alebo]

Im married to a chinese woman, and we live abroad. One thing I can't get over is the behavior of her family when we visit them in China.  Some things:

 

- They are extremely money-hungry. We must pay for almost anything when we are there, and they constantly want more money, in cash.

- My wife has a brother and she tells me they give all their money to her brother so they expect their daughters to pay for them as well as her brother.

- Even though I speak decent chinese, they hardly ever speak with me. When we meet, they often just ignore me. The few times my mother-in-law speaks to me, she is complaining I do something wrong. The father never speaks to me at all, he ignores me completely. 

- I try to behave modest, not to talk too much, give them money and buy gifts, but they remain the same. Never a smile on their face.

 

Now I wonder, are most chinese families like this or am I just unlucky? I wouldn't believe its a part of the culture, since all the people I meet on the streets are very friendly and happy...!?

 

[wushucrab20]

Have you asked your wife about this? If so what is her explanation?

[abcdefg]

Now I wonder, are most chinese families like this or am I just unlucky? I wouldn't believe its a part of the culture, since all the people I meet on the streets are very friendly and happy...!?

 

All in all, it's not typical behavior. Something else is going on.

 

Edited to add: I should probably be more specific: The "money-hungry" part is not unusual; but the way they ignore you and show no warmth or friendliness raises red flags for me. Need more background information to say anything beyond that.

[gato]

How do they behave with your wife? Do they show more warmth towards your wife? How long has your wife been outside the country? How often have you visited the parents together?

How old is the brother?

[Chris Two Times]

My knee-jerk reaction to this tells me that some limits need to be set, even though the family would most likely protest and get offended by this. I do agree with abcdefg and concur that it is beyond normal behavior.

 

I agree with other posters. Need more background to comment further.

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times

[Flickserve]

Another one to raise the red flag especially as you speak Chinese.

[vellocet]

I think they don't like that a foreigner married their little girl and moved her far, far away.  

[889]

I agree, something happened, but you don't know what. Your wife almost certainly knows, but is in a difficult position and doesn't feel free to talk with you about her parents. Maybe in ten years or so. I suspect pressing her for the background now will just create tension; best to wait till she feels comfortable to open up to you, since there's really nothing you can do about the situation anyway: her parents are her parents.

 

By the way, how did the wedding go? Have they visited you overseas? Have you invited them?

 

Little ones may one day change the picture, but maybe not.

[Alebo]

Thank you for your answers! Some more details:

 

My wife has been away from her country little more than 10 years. They have visited us on our wedding in our own country. The father actually hugged me that day! But still didnt say anything.

 

Her brother is a little younger. He just got married. One concrete example of the money part is that for his marriage, we bought him and his wife armwatches, each about 200 dollar. But then, her mother insist to her that we should give 10000(ten thousand) yuan to them. And in turn, the brothers wifes family is pushing his (my inlaw) family to give them 300000 (Three hundred thousand!) yuan as a wedding gift. It should be informed that my father in law is a fairly successful businessman so he can afford it. But all these insane numbers make our gift look tiny which in my opinion takes away the joy. Anyway we refused to give the ten thousand. 

 

I know there is a gift giving culture in china, as well as boy favourism. From your answers I suspect that this family has carried these to extreme hights, am I right? 

 

About how they behave to my wife, what I can see they talk a lot more to her, but I can not really feel any warmth or affection. I think they are displeased with her as well. Good point, they might be against their daughter went away and married a foregner in the first place. I remember she said they reacted very negatively when they were informed by phone that we were together.

[Guest realmayo]

My guess is that your situation is not particularly unusual in China. I would be guided by what your wife says.

[大肚男]

I'm from the US, and my wife is chinese, and my in-laws are the best. They treat me like their own son.

I dont understand why they're dicks to you other than either they think you're not good enough for their little princess, or like others said, they hate you for taking their daughter away.

My wife's family is of modest background, and when we got married in china, all her uncles and aunts gave a minimum of 10,000 yuan as Hong bao. I thought that was a crazy amount of money, but apparently it's not.

As to the 300k, i think that is the bride price (彩礼), and while I didn't pay that for my wife, I heard that this number is reasonable depending on the family's background (in your case, it sounds like your in-laws are well off).

Take solace in the fact you live far far away, and don't have to deal with their crap the often, and as long as your happy with your wife, screw everyone else

[陳德聰]

Wild speculation is that your wife has never really been all that stoked on her family. She knew that it was normal to give a ridiculously large monetary gift instead of actual presents for her brother's wedding, and for some reason didn't tell you. 10,000RMB is not even really that outrageous if the family is a more high profile family as you seem to suggest. That'd be an awkward point for me if I were them, like why is my daughter acting like she doesn't like Chinese customs? Probably because she has already been corrupted by you

[gato]

That makes sense now. Your recent refusal to give the 10,000 yuan gift for your brother-in-law's wedding is likely the reason for the coldness. A 10,000 yuan gift for a wedding from family member is not much for today's China. I've heard for direct blood relation (such as brothers and sisters), it's common to give in the hundreds of thousands. The amounts seem to be higher in smaller southern cities for some reason.

Your in-laws probably can't understand why you and your wife refused to to give what they see as a relatively modest amount and has borne a huge grudge against you. It'll probably take some time for this fade from memory, given the significance of the occasion.

[889]

But the coldness seems to have existed well before the younger brother's marriage.

 

Not to say it doesn't hurt. Especially because the shame extends not just to the OP and his wife, but to her parents themselves: they've lost face within the family.

 

I also agree that the OP doesn't quite appreciate that throwing money around is important in China, and that the sums can be large by Western standards.

 

To keep this all in perspective, though, remember what a newly-wed couple in Beijing will need to buy a suitable place to live. Even in second-tier cities, housing costs are astronomical.

[Flickserve]

I think it depends on the financial status of the OP and his wife. I agree in China, it does not surprise me that 10 000 RMB is nothing for a close family relative. Seriously, a $200 dollar watch is at best nothing and at worst, an insult. If you were to give a watch, something like a USD12,000 upwards watch for each person would be more appropriate. This is a once off wedding.

Although I am not familiar with China marriages, I am pretty sure you many of the family friends and the father's business contacts gave 10,000RMB or more.

OP, if you live in a fairly nice house, have dual income, have two cars, visit China every two or three years, 10k RMB once off for a brother-in-law getting married is nothing. I am a bit surprised your wife did not try to persuade you to be be more generous if you are of that financial status.

What I think here is that your in-laws are a little cold to you normally. But here in this case, this is a huge issue which has significantly worsened things. Now it's very difficult to resolve. I agree with 889 that you and wife have lost a lot face in the family.

My little daughter went to China over Chinese New Year. Saw some of the wife's work contacts and my daughter, being a little girl, got a few red packets. Not many because she is not a direct relative of those people. Each red packet had minimum 1000 RMB. In absolute terms, that is not far away from US$200. A direct family relative would probably get more.

[889]

Which reminds me of going to a Mainland wedding at which how much each guest was giving was formally and openly being tallied on a big sheet of paper. 廉价手表 would have looked out of place among all those 佰s and 仟s. (This was some years ago.)

[Flickserve]

This story about the brother's wedding makes me also wonder about the information at the starting thread. It says

"I try to behave modest, give them money, buy them gifts"

A siginificant amount of money? Nice gifts? Are we talking about packets of chips or biscuits from Walmart?

How about the original marriage in USA? Did OP cover the costs of accomodation, food and transport of his in-laws in the US? Did he ask the in-laws to pay their share of the food at meals?

Sorry if I am being rather direct here.

[889]

The OP's never said anything about America.

[Chris Two Times]

While, yes, I do comprehend the above writings about money and Chinese family expectations (haha! maybe that's why I have not married), I am glad that I don't have to face any of this with my girlfriend and her family.

 

I just feel that despite culture and norms and expectations of giving money, it still can be open to abuse of gimme! gimme! gimme! I mean, when does it stop (I know, it doesn't!) and in the OP's case is this only a one-way thing and not a two-way thing (outta his pocket and nothing going into his pocket)?

 

Lack of cultural sensitivity or whatever, if I felt like I were ungraciously being taken advantage of and being treated like a free ATM, I'd put the hammer down right quick, cultural expectations of me be damned.

 

Again, just my knee-jerk reaction and my two jiao.

 

If you were to give a watch, something like a USD12,000 upwards watch for each person would be more appropriate.

 

Wait...what?

 

Warm regards,

Chris Two Times

[vellocet]

Me and my girlfriend were just talking about this last night.  About money and hongbao and getting married and the future.  She was telling me the immense importance of this sort of thing, and why she does it even at crippling financial cost to herself.  Giving money = caring.  You say you care...but let's see if you really care and pony up the cash.  Because if you really care, you'll show it in the only way that matters, by stuffing an envelope with wads of your own cash.  

 

Moreover, it's not like you're setting the money on fire for the dead or something, every jiao goes to the new couple!  They need it!

 

Westerners find this sort of money-up-front style among family crass and distasteful.  Chinese don't.  It's a wonderful verification that you really do love them.  Westerners immediately get suspicious and think that their thieving Chinese in-laws are trying to get into their rich Western pockets.  

 

It think it's a combination of things.  I think already they didn't like the foreigner for taking their little girl away to a distant land.  Then, the laowai started poisoning her mind with those ridiculous Western cultural assumptions, and look what's happened now.  He wouldn't even let her spend a measly 10,000 (1万 is a minimum amount in Chinese vocabulary) on her own brother's freaking wedding?  Or worse, she agreed with him and thinks that Chinese culture is stupid.  They gave a couple of wristwatches instead, in an age where everyone keeps time by smartphone?  I hope these gifts didn't get unwrapped in front of people, like wedding guests.  That would be proof positive of losing face in front of everyone.  Big sister can't even pay 1万 for her little brother's wedding and gives Western clocks instead.  Well I never.  Can you imagine the chatter that the parents have to put up with?  Everyone knowing that they raised an uncultured, uncivilized daughter who ran off to a foreign country and forgot her own flesh and blood.  The icing on this whole rotten cake is if a child has not yet been produced.  A child can forgive a LOT with Chinese parents.  

 

It's no wonder they react the way they do.  In a way, they have accepted you as one of them because this is how they would react to a Chinese man who did these things.  If they thought of you as a foreigner you'd be excepted from this sort of thing as they assume you don't know.