Gift giving question

[AbbyAdams]

I work at a large university in the US.  The professor in the lab next to mine has a Chinese grad student who I've been helping with his English. Today he brought me a very nice box of tea, and I love tea!  Should I bring him a gift in return?  What would be appropriate for a 30 year old married man? 

[lips]

Not a clock.

[somethingfunny]

200 Marlboro?

 

I wouldn't say you had to get him a gift in return.  If you want to be friend's with him though, you could think about buying some nice snacks that he might not know about - or first just try sharing some you already have with him and if he likes it buy some more.  

 

You could take him somewhere nice for lunch that he might not have tried before, or invite him and his wife round for dinner.  It all depends on how you see the relationship progressing.

[abcdefg]

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Should I bring him a gift in return?

 

No. Stop now. Leave it as is or you will get into some sort of silly and endless gift cycle. The tea was for your teaching him. If you give him something back in return for the tea it will be puzzling. He won't know what to think or do. TV sitcoms sometimes have themes like this.

 

An invitation for a meal, as described above by SomethingFunny would work if you are trying to develop the relationship further, if you hope to get to know this man and his family better.

 

You will need to make it clear that you are not courting him. Your actions could be misunderstood if they deviate too far from what would  be considered businesslike and casual. If you push too hard, you risk the appearance of impropriety.

[889]

"You will need to make it clear that you are not courting him."

 

But how does she do this, without making the situation more awkward?

 

Any good dishes to suggest for a particularly unromantic meal?

 

(I think we've got the beginnings of a good sitcom episode here.)

[abcdefg]

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But how does she do this, without making the situation more awkward?

 

 

Haha! Good point. Not sure I have the answer to that question.

 

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Any good dishes to suggest for a particularly unromantic meal?

 

No soft music and candle light. No crispy fried Yunnan insects or wild mountain vegetables with thorns on their stems.

[abcdefg]

Wait a minute, folks. I don't want to give a flippant answer and wind up offending the Original Poster, who has asked a legitimate and intelligent question. Let me be serious at the risk of being pedantic and boring.

 

My suggestion would be that if she invites him for a meal, it be lunch instead of supper. And someplace inexpensive and casual would be better than someplace fancy and upscale. When issuing the invitation, ask if his wife would like to join them.

 

But also, as already explained, I think she can just leave the situation alone at this point. She did him a favor by helping him with his English and he thanked her appropriately by giving her some nice tea. No need for anything more unless she wants to get better acquainted, and then it would be best to proceed carefully so as not to be misunderstood.

 

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OP -- @AbbyAdams -- Tell us more about the tea. What kind is it? Do you need help with how best to brew it?

[889]

Lunch is too obvious!

 

Besides, the whole lab will be gossiping about them while they're out.

 

(I agree completely that exchanging gifts with Chinese friends is full of pitfalls, and letting this go with a grateful "thank you" is enough. When he returns to China a small something might then be appropriate. In China, there are times that call for a small gift, and a friend's departure is one of them.)

[somethingfunny]

I agree, receiving a gift is not a good reason to give a gift.  But this does set a precedent so that when something important happens (they leave for China), or you get some help in return, then you should return the gift.

 

And like others have said, I'd only suggest eating together if it was to further the friendship.  In order to avoid misunderstandings I'd probably invite them to lunch - with other people in the office also involved (this wouldn't involve you footing the bill) or inviting him and his wife out/round your place.

 

It's funny, Chinese society is often labelled a 'gift-giving culture', which it undoubtedly is, but this implies that there are rigid rules for gift-giving and receiving, and while this may be true to a certain extent, a lot of it comes down to a common sense and nuanced appreciation of each individual situation.  

 

All this talk of gift-giving just makes me sad about working in the UK where people in offices have stuff and don't automatically give me any of it.  It's like, "dude... you're drinking that special kind of tea right in front of me... and I've even asked you what flavour it is... and where you got it from... and how you brewed it... what gives...?"

[AbbyAdams]

Thanks so much everyone, I was guessing that I shouldn't give a gift to thank him for a gift!  I'm not worried about him misconstruing my intentions, he's in his early 30s with a family he has told me much about, I'm in my early 60s with a family I've told him about.  For now I'll leave it where it is.  He has mentioned inviting my husband & I for dinner at their home, if he does that should I, at some later date, invite them to our home?  I work with so many international grad students and I try hard to make them feel welcome by learning about and respecting their culture.  I've learned so much!!!

[abcdefg]

If he invites you and your husband to dinner, I'd suggest taking a bottle of wine (or maybe some fruit.) You mentioned that you like tea, and presumably he does too, so a nice box of tea would also work in that context. Something you've tried and that you like. By now you know that there are many answers to questions about appropriate gift-giving customs, so realize that my answers are subjective and just one person's opinion.

 

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He has mentioned inviting my husband & I for dinner at their home, if he does that should I, at some later date, invite them to our home?

 

Sure, if all of you hit it off and have a good time, you could certainly do that as a follow up. It would be fine. Personally, I would predicate anything further at this point on how much all of you think you would enjoy being friends and set aside notions of what "needs" to be done.

 

Good of you to be so kind to these international grad students! I'm sure they appreciate it, as would I if in their shoes.

 

[AbbyAdams]

Thanks for all your help!  We have been invited for dinner, I'm going to take some nice flowers and am trying to think of a good gift for their 7 year old daughter.  I have a cool hawk feather that I would have loved at that age, so I'm thinking about that.  I want something small as a token.

[艾墨本]

13 hours ago, AbbyAdams said:

 

Thanks for all your help!  We have been invited for dinner, I'm going to take some nice flowers and am trying to think of a good gift for their 7 year old daughter.  I have a cool hawk feather that I would have loved at that age, so I'm thinking about that.  I want something small as a token.

 

 

 

If you are going to their home, bring fruit, and lots of it. A large watermelon, a few bunches of grapes, some mangoes (avoid groupings of 4). Fruit is the standard gift the first time you go to someone's home. 

 

Otherwise, I love how over-analysed this situation got. If you can't tell, Chinese culture is complex and befuddles even the most familiar. 

[somethingfunny]

It's only over-analysed if you're not familiar with the customs.  I think I would probably have had a pretty good instinctive idea of what to do in the same situation.

[aone]

NO need giving anything in return, just a thanks is okay. 

[abcdefg]

17 hours ago, AbbyAdams said:

I'm going to take some nice flowers and am trying to think of a good gift for their 7 year old daughter.

 

Sounds great! Best to avoid white chrysanthemums, since they are culturally associated with funerals.

[Shelley]

For children red envelopes with a small amount of money is always a sure winner and shows some thought has gone into thinking about something culturally appropriate.

 

Although mostly associated with Chinese New Year they can be given at other special occasions. Just make sure the amount doesn't add up to or contain a 4, and as it is the first time you have met the child you must make sure it is quite a small amount of money, remember 8 is a lucky number and don't be surprised if it isn't open in front of you, traditionally chinese people don't open presents in front of the giver. Nice clean crisp bills are preferred or shiny new coins.

 

I am not sure a feather would be appropriate, but have not double checked.

[889]

It's not been mentioned yet that a pair makes a more graceful Chinese gift than a single item. And something red is always better than something white.

 

So maybe put two red 100RMB bills in that lucky envelope.

[somethingfunny]

Or... put two red 100RMB bills in two lucky envelopes!  But wait, 2+2=4!! Ahhhhhh!!!! 

[889]

Not hard to solve. Just give two sets of two red envelopes with 2 X 100RMB in each. That's 8 X 100RMB, perfect.