Gift giving question

[Lu]

2 hours ago, Shelley said:

Although mostly associated with Chinese New Year they can be given at other special occasions.

I'm not sure if a dinner party is the kind of special occasion you'd give a child a 紅包 at. I'd stick with a small gift.

[AbbyAdams]

I love all the answers, this discussion has been so informative!  In America a stranger giving a child money at a first meeting would be inappropriate so I didn't think of that.  And where would I get 100RMB??? LOL.  But perhaps 2 silver dollars? Well, not real silver, I have some of the Eisenhower ones. I also have some Sacagawea coins.  

[imron]

I agree with Lu. If it was Chinese New Year, or maybe even if your dinner is planned for the upcoming dragon boat festival, then maybe, but is also fraught with using the wrong sort if envelope (buying red envelopes overseas and you're likely to pick up one for weddings). 

 

Added to the fact that it's the first time meeting them *and* you aren't a relation, I'd avoid giving them money. 

[AbbyAdams]

Small gift it is. For an American child I'd bring an age-appropriate book, would that be ok?

[889]

A red envelope for the child on first meeting in the U.S. is just trying too hard except maybe at Chinese New Year.

 

[abcdefg]

2 hours ago, AbbyAdams said:

Small gift it is. For an American child I'd bring an age-appropriate book, would that be ok?

 

Yes, yes, yes. I think that would be just great! Terrific plan!

[somethingfunny]

All the red envelope talk was just a joke.  I don't think I've ever given anyone a red envelope with money in it - not even when I went to people's houses for dinner in China over New Year.  Giving cash to someone else's child just doesn't agree with my... Britishness.  

 

As an aside though, two sets of two red envelopes, each with two red 100RMB bills! Genius!  Especially as that's a lucky eight bills!

[Lu]

Books are always good :-) Make sure the kid knows English though, in this particular case.

[AbbyAdams]

The dinner was great!  His wife is kind and easy to talk to and their daughter is adorable.  I brought her a book and flowers for the adults, that went over well.  They were amazed and pleased that we know how to use chopsticks!  What a delightful family, we'll have them to our home for dinner soon!  One more question (if I haven't exhausted my quota) should I provide chopsticks?

Thanks again for all your suggestions!

[889]

Of course it depends on what you serve: chopsticks are meant to be used with food that's been prepared to be eaten with chopsticks. Hard to go at a slice of apple pie with chopsticks.

 

I don't believe in sinicizing a meal for Chinese guests -- just prepare the same sort of meal you'd make for your inlaws at Thanksgiving -- but at least be aware that some Chinese unfamiliar with Western customs may be taken aback if you only serve soup and salad and meat and potatoes and a vegetable and dessert. A Chinese host would always prepare two or three meat/fish dishes as well as two or three vegetable dishes. Serving a guest one meat and one vegetable dish would probably be taken as an insult in China. But you're in America not China and your guests seem accustomed to Western ways, so don't fret it.

[somethingfunny]

Yeah, I'd just prepare them your signature dish like you would for anyone else you invited round.  Don't provide chopsticks - food eaten with chopsticks is prepared with that in mind and therefore doesn't require any cutting or loading like is done with a knife and fork.  These guys live in America - I'm sure they're used to eating 'western style'.  

 

Glad you had a good time - let us know what they think of your cooking!

[imron]

56 minutes ago, somethingfunny said:

These guys live in America - I'm sure they're used to eating 'western style'.  

And even if they're not, I'm sure they'd appreciate the chance to learn!

 

Just make an authentic western meal.  They'll appreciate the authenticity of it, even if it's not what their tastebuds or eating habits are accustomed to.

[Lu]

2 hours ago, somethingfunny said:

Yeah, I'd just prepare them your signature dish like you would for anyone else you invited round.

This is what I'd do. Welcome them as you would welcome a friend from your own culture. Especially if you have friends from more than 2 different backgrounds, you can't go around second-guessing their expectations. Besides, if you were in a foreign country and someone invited you over for a meal at their place, you'd expect (indeed, you'd look forward to) a thoroughly local experience.

 

What you can do is ask if there is anything they don't like, and don't serve anything too weird. And if you have chopsticks in the house, you can make sure you know where they are, in case your guests seem to be struggling with the knife & fork.

 

Glad the meal at their place was a success. I hope you have fun at the next get-together!

[889]

" . . . and don't serve anything too weird."

 

Except my impression is that Chinese tend to be much more adventurous eaters than the average American.

 

Not that I'd suggest the OP build a menu on various cheese dishes, though.

[Shelley]

One thing I learnt when my first chinese teacher invited us to a meal cooked by his wife was how to deal with things you don't like. He said just put it to one side of your plate and don't make a fuss about it. Similarly he told us it was considered polite not to clean your plate with great gusto as we are accustomed to doing to show how good the meal was, it is considered polite to leave a little bit on your plate to show that you have had plenty and just couldn't eat another bite. so don't be surprised if this happens. Although they maybe making an effort to "fit in" and do the opposite.

I enjoyed my meal with his family, my first truly chinese meal.

[889]

Yes, in the West a clean plate is a real compliment to the host and says, "That was delicious." But in China it says, "You didn't serve me enough; I'm still hungry."

 

Likewise in China it's impolite to grab the last morsel off the common serving plate, unless you're a child. And don't stuff yourself with rice at the end of the meal. That's another message that you weren't served enough.

 

Of course all this is more fodder for a sitcom episode as confusion ensues at dinner when the Wongs follow American customs and the Joneses act Chinese.

[Lu]

56 minutes ago, Shelley said:

Although they maybe making an effort to "fit in" and do the opposite.

This is what I mean by second-guessing your guests or hosts. So, when in your own country, play the host as your culture thinks is best. Of course, part of that is taking into account how your guests might feel about things, and being accommodating when they do things differently, but at least you know where you're coming from.

 

And in addition, discuss this stuff. It makes for interesting conversation, you learn a thing, your guests learn a thing, and you can all laugh about the differences instead of being bewildered or annoyed by them.

 

32 minutes ago, 889 said:

Likewise in China it's impolite to grab the last morsel off the common serving plate, unless you're a child.

Not sure if this is a cultural difference. I was taught from a very young age by my very Dutch mother that this is impolite.

[abcdefg]

On 5/15/2017 at 5:24 PM, Lu said:

What you can do is ask if there is anything they don't like, and don't serve anything too weird.

 

Agree with Lu, especially the first part. Sometimes people just don't like seafood, for example, and it would be good to know that before preparing  a big batch of lobsters and abalone. Other times, people don't eat meat.

 

Most of my Chinese friends take delight in introducing me to things that are different from what I ate growing up in Texas. Violently stinky tofu that's runny in the middle and duck's tongues complete with the bone in come to mind. Others have fed me large fried bugs and thorny bitter mountain weeds drowned in fiery chili peppers. Of course they knew in advance that I was adventurous and liked trying new foods. By contrast, my Chinese lady friend is a very conservative, somewhat picky eater. So I stick to safe things when feeding her. To do otherwise, just for "shock value" would of course be rude.

 

Asking ahead of time is always a good idea. What I usually do here in Kunming when inviting Chinese guests for meal is say something along the lines of, "I was thinking of making xyz, is that something you think you would enjoy?"

[AbbyAdams]

Gotcha.  They asked me ahead of time if there are things we can't eat so I'll do the same.  At work we've been comparing different customs, and it's been fascinating!  All my grad students at the moment are Middle Eastern so a Far East perspective is fun!