Confused

[charlie77]

I will be meeting my wifes parents on September 4. I am very ignorant as how to act when around them. They are not extremely traditional Chinese family as far as I know. Anyone have some do's and don'ts for meeting them? Are there any things that are a big no no in their eyes that we Americans might not even notice? I don't want to come off as a total moron on the first day

[laohu34]

Hi there,

I have been in a similar situation a few years ago. In general I would say that it depends on your standing in the family as of now. Most definitely talk to your wife about this first! Many of your fears will sound stupid to her and she will set you right on many things. She might also know her parents fears on your impact on their family.

It also very much depends on clues from your wife when you are there. But rest assured you will have quite a bit of leeway.

But here are a few tips I am quite positive will hold true:

If you hold a good position or will in the near future +++

Anything they can use to brag about, to the family/neighbours/co-workers +++

If you are older or at least the same age as her +

If you speak chinese (mandarin?) at least enough to utter a few sentences + (the more the better)

Learn the titles (grandma, grany aunt) and hopefully some of the names. But really try to please grany! (I guess that is true in most larger families) ++

Be sure to try all the food they will offer, but if you don't like it don't hesitate to say that you much prefer this other dish....

Especially younger males might try to "trick" you into drinking too much...have fun but make sure to keep in control

I come from an "Italian" family and family dynamics where very similar (ie. "clanlike"), sort out the "real" opinion holder and please them (often grandma, but be sure to ask your wife)

You might feel slightly boxed/controlled especially if you live with the parents for the duration. Just make sure that a few trips away are planed. Also your wife will probably act a bit different at home, she will feel the pressure to do things right ALOT more than you ever will. Since she is trying to please both sides while satisfying the "image" her partents hold of her and the more western "image" you got to know.

So be nice, listen to what she says,implies and communicates non verbally. Don't talk too much and too animatedly (shame on me.... for my italian hand waving) and most of all: ENJOY!!! anbody will forgive if you are a happy person trying to do your best.

Hope I was of assistance

[charlie77]

Yes, you were of much assistance. The only thing her parents were concerned about when I married was that I was a nice guy. They didn't seem to care if I was rich, as long as I was good to her. She's told me from what they've heard of me, they think well of me. They've offered to give me their room, for as long as I stay. Or if I wouldn't take their room then I could have their bed moved into her room since it's bigger. I took that as a good sign and told her to politely refuse. They had even offered to buy me a car if I wanted to live in China.

I guess I need to get to work on my mandarin. I can only count to 5 and say hello. Thanks again for the advice.

[geraldc]

What region do you your in-laws live in.

Most Chinese like a bottle of XO from duty free as a present...

[laohu34]

Charlie77,

no problem (I was reminiscing and kept writing..) sounds like your inlaws are quite "hip". But never asume too much..... but then again its like in any other marriage, mother and grandmother will probably dote on you and baba will eye you with (covert) suspicion making sure you really treat his "baby" right...

Geralddc,

Ohhhhhhh yes you are ever so right. I guess gifts go into the category of "bragging rights". I think one can safely say that they are expected. They are not demanded as such and her partents won't make a fuss if you don't but it's traditional to bring presents. This will also be a sign of status quo.

I was a little shocked that many Chinese still think foreigners are rich (ok especially me as a Swiss), even in a family where quite a fewmembers have gone to school in Europe and the US!

So, presents/gifts are a good way of upping your inlaws "status/guanxi", again make sure your wife knows you are comfortable with the notion and she should have a better idea of what to bring.

Seems like "weird" western stuff is completely "in": for some reason the mentioned brandy Napoleon XO, designer bags (louis vouiton for some reason seems to be big), wine, coffee, etc. also have a few things along for the "kids" if there are any closely related

If anyone knows of other "in" gifts (and why they are in) please add to this thread.

[charlie77]

They live in Shenyang, in north China. The capital of Liaoning Province. Not sure what duty free is but thanks for the idea

[charlie77]

Another bit of confusion has popped up, while browsing the web I saw mention of a transit visa in China. I have a tourist visa already. My plane lands in Beijing then goes to Shenyang, would I also need a transit visa or since my destination is China would I be all set?

[gougou]

Duty-free are shops in the airport where you can buy goods (mostly alcohol and perfumes) that are, well, free from duties...

A transit visa you would only need if you were planning to, say, travel from Korea to India by train and would need to cross China, without actually stopping there. Which you could also do with your tourist visa, so you should be fine!

[in_lab]

If you don't go for the XO, it would probably be a good idea to at least get some other kind of gift for them.

[Lu]

And traditionally, Chinese like double gifts, i.e. better buy 2 bottles of XO. Not because it's more, but because it's an even number.

[tongyang]

I will be meeting my wifes parents on September 4. I am very ignorant as how to act when around them. They are not extremely traditional Chinese family as far as I know. Anyone have some do's and don'ts for meeting them? Are there any things that are a big no no in their eyes that we Americans might not even notice? I don't want to come off as a total moron on the first day

sorry, i just curious, where are 'ya come from?

[charlie77]

I come from Alabama, USA.

[csit]

As my husband’s (An American) suggestion, I (a Chinese, from Liaoning Province, and stayed at Shenyang 7 years) will try to give you tips. Hahaha…

1. Address your in-laws specifically ---,like her parents,---baba, mama, and the other elder relatives. Suggest your wife to give you an extensive mandarin training, just for the addressing part. And every time when you address them, try to speak loudly and clearly. In fact, you can just follow what your wife addresses them when she talks with them.

2. Shenyang people like drinking, but if you are a Christian, you should tell them, so they will not let you drink. They respect your belief and at the same time, you also have a good witness for the belief. But you should pour the wine for them in order from the eldest to the youngest when you sit down to have meal with them. It is the same for smoking, you should light for them. They admire people who don’t smoke and drink because they know that is a good habit, but certainly if you drink with them, they think you treat them as real friends. So you can either just sip a little bit or just pour for them.

3. Being polite is another key. It is also easy. When you come in or meet someone, you can just say “ni hao” or “nin hao” according to their age and “beifen”, or just follow how your wife addresses them. When you leave, you need to tell them you are leaving. (Generally they will see you off out of the door or even further)

4. Gifts----some cosmetics will be a good options for women either duty free or department store here. Like clinique and Lancome, I think your wife will know those brands. Try not to buy anything made in China. Oh, one thing you can buy is the fortune cookie here, where there are none of those stuff in China. And you also can bring them some menu from Chinese restaurant here. Some gifts they can display at home, and wear out, then the other people will know it is from USA. Hahah.. You also should leave some money for her parents, or grandparents when you leave for USA, it is a way to show your filialness. But maybe no need for them since they are so rich. For the children, you can buy some board games or card games here and then teach them how to play. It is fun. You also can give them a red paper bag (I think your wife will tell what it is) in which you put some American paper money or coins. That will be a surprise too!

In fact, this is all what my husband did. He already won over all my family, relatives, and friends.

As a Liaoningnese, welcome you to Shenyang! Enjoy Shangyang people's hospitality. May you have a good trip!