Chinese / Western family differences.

[Laiwongbao]

Hello All, 

 

I'd just like to share my essay Children of Cities. It got me 2nd place in a pretty big essay-writing contest here in Hong Kong. 

 

It's a comparison between Western and Eastern views of families and parenthood. I think an understanding of it can really clear up some friction that can emerge in bi-cultural relationships. Essentially, there is a societal expectation in Chinese households that support should flow upwards, towards the parents as they age, whereas in the West we tend to think of this as slightly perverse. We often see support being one-way, from parents to children, and at times parents are even offended by the idea that they might need support. 

 

In couples where these expectations are left unstated, it can lead to some very awkward situations - Especially when money is involved. 

 

Since writing the essay I've realised that I only have a superficial understanding of (Xiao/ Haau.), but I really do think it's important : 

 

What might a good compromise be for bi-cultural couples?

How people manage to find a middle ground?

What could both sides learn from one another? 

 

I don't know. I'd love to hear from others. 

 

-Liam 

 

 

[Luxi]

Very good essay. Thanks for  sharing it and congratulations on the well deserved award!

 

[vivea]

Thank you. Very educational and well-written!

[Laiwongbao]

Thank you so much! 

 

 

I'm quite new to writing, really, and such kind feedback really makes me far more motivated to push forward! 

 

[DavyJonesLocker]

Look forward to reading this later. Thanks for sharing

[GabrielaVD]

Wow very powerful essay, loved it. Congratulations on your award, well deserved!

To be honest, and this is just my opinion about it, with all due respect, I read it and thought you wrote it all parting from the western point of view, even if you have knowledge of the east culture, but what I mean is, are we able to really understand other cultures as we do with our own, or is it all we can do is understand it through respect, but not as something that is part of us, ourselves. Haha I dont even know if what Im saying makes any sense, but tl:dr I actually did enjoy your essay  

 

I am myself in a long-term bi-cultural relationship, and I find the questions you asked at the end very important to think about but also rather difficult to answer, since we both part from different cultures and different life experiences as well.
I am Mexican and my boyfriend is British, and I´ve found that our family´s structure are quite different and sometimes it´s a bit weird how they handle certain situations, and I wonder why did they do it like this, or why did they manage that like that, for example: one of the times he came back home from China after two years abroad his family went out on holidays instead of waiting for him and left the house keys for him, which I found extremely odd, to the point of thinking that they may not be a close family, which I know now is totally not the case. But when I came back after a year abroad my whole family went to the airport, including aunts and cousins he didnt think so much people was necessary.

 

I think he´s very individualistic and pursues his own goals without asking any permission from his family, as it is his life. On the other hand, I see this as quite selfish, since Mexican family structure required asking permission even to leave the house and start a life on your own. 

 

What might a good compromise be for bi-cultural couples?

I would lke to have an answer for this as well, since its not very clear for me, at the moment

How people manage to find a middle ground?

Discussing matters I think, but this is quite awkard I think, since the British dont like discussing matters that make them uncomfortable, from what I´ve learned

What could both sides learn from one another? 

There´s a whole world to learn, I think, but only if you´re willing to understand the other person´s experience and point of view

 

Sorry for the long answer, I just find bi-cultural relationships very interesting and your essay gave me a lot to think about, thank you for that. I would like to know your opinions on the same questions you asked, you seem older and wiser than me.

Also, if you happen to have more material like the one you just shared I would love to read it

 

[vellocet]

Quote

it dawned on me that my commitments to her had also extended to her family

You only figured this out *after* you married her?  I thought it was common knowledge that you don't marry a Chinese girl, you marry her whole family.  Hong Kongers don't know this?

 

Quote

to Western ears, these tales often sound alien and unethical.

That's because they are.  The dream of Chinese is to have your kids provide for you while you relax and enjoy your grandsons.  The character of Wang Lung's father in The Good Earth is a good example.  He does not contribute, he just enjoys what Wang Lung brings home.  His attitude is, "I have a son, and my son has a son, I am a success, I won at life.  I need do no more." 

 

They are wedded to a culture of indolence (rest in preference to work), not leisure, which values rest after work.  To do otherwise would be to privilege work, which would be contrary to their ideological predilections.  It is also why they have such a large number of children (before one-child policy), whom they mercilessly exploit by requiring them to care for them as they age.  Then, when the children mature and have children of their own, they themselves obtain the opportunity to exploit their own offspring and achieve indolence.  China is probably the best country in the world to be an old person.

 

I have a Chinese friend whose life is basically to function as an ATM for the rest of his family.  He has all these relatives who sponge off him, neglect their kids because they know he'll pay for them, etc.  They hit the jackpot.  They have lives of ease because he works like a mule.  His story is by no means uncommon.

 

Quote

Hansel and Gretel...focus on liberation from the family, - into the woods, into adventure and the company of strangers.  

Hansel and Gretel were abandoned by their parents to die in the woods.  They didn't go there looking for adventure.  The stranger they met was a witch who wanted to eat them.  Not a good example.

[Lu]

5 hours ago, vellocet said:

It is also why they have such a large number of children (before one-child policy)

Unlike Western families, where people since time immemorial have had just a few children. Take catholics, for example: they are well known across the world for always having just two or three kids at most. And since we have had pensions and old age social security since the year zero, children have never had to provide for their parents in the West. Verely, we are such an enlightened culture.

 

20 hours ago, GabrielaVD said:

Discussing matters I think, but this is quite awkard I think, since the British dont like discussing matters that make them uncomfortable, from what I´ve learned

I don't know if not discussing matters is a British thing, but I think your Brit needs to get over his feelings of discomfort on this. All relationships require lots of communication, but intercultural relationships require even more. Discussing things really is the answer, if you ask me. What are your expectations, what are mine; what did you mean when you said X, what did I understand when you said X; what can I compromise on and what can you compromise on; etcetera. And then there will still be some unspoken expectations because you are both human, but try to get everything on the table.

[Shelley]

1 hour ago, Lu said:

Unlike Western families, where people since time immemorial have had just a few children. Take catholics, for example: they are well known across the world for always having just two or three kids at most. And since we have had pensions and old age social security since the year zero, children have never had to provide for their parents in the West.

 

This is different from what I have seen/learnt or heard about.

 

Catholic families are large, the religion forbids contraception, and you need a hoard of youngsters about to help on the farm and then yes to look after their parents when they get old.

This is not restricted to just Catholics, all farming families were large to provide workers for the fields and to provide for them in their old age. The number of children born also did not equate to the number that survived so you had have many to hope for some to grow strong and healthy, so sometimes if they all lived the families were large 10, 11, 12 children.

 

I don't think there was an old age pension in the UK till 1908 so all previous generations had to fend for themselves.

 

Family size has decreased steadily since the Industrial revolution and the movement of lots of people to the cities.

 

 

 

 

[Zbigniew]

2 hours ago, Shelley said:

This is different from what I have seen/learnt or heard about.

I think you might find Lu was speaking tongue-in-cheek.

[Laiwongbao]

Hello all! 

 

Firstly, I should point out - All of the essays (On the same subject.) are posted in full here :

 

They contain both Chinese and English entries, adult and student divisions. The English/Adult section is at the end. 

 

I completely agree that one of the weaknesses of my essay is that I am rooted in the Western mindset and looking in as an observer. It makes the whole thing quite robotic. In some ways, after reading the other pieces and realising how heartfelt they were, I felt like a bit of a charlatan. 

 

GabrielaVD

Thank you for your reply! 

 

Regarding the example you gave - 

I'm also British and I would find it very strange if my parents left England when I finally came back! I'd be pretty offended if nobody was at the airport for me... We're on the same page there. 

 

And what Lu is saying about communication between couples is very true. These conversations aren't easy. I think they have to involve a bit of griding and self-questioning. Our cultures are almost to us as water is to a fish and so it's very difficult to isolate how our lifestyles and beliefs might be more optional than we had thought. It's very helpful when an alternative viewpoint is introduced to you and you can compare yourself against it.   I might never have thought as much about my own relationship to my parents, for example, if I hadn't worked on this essay.

 

Vellocet

These are all good points! I wish I had you around before entering! 

 

The word limit for the competition is 1500 words, and my essay was 1498. I was trying to sneak points through as expediently as possible and often this meant trying to get away with deleting other sentences that packaged and justified my arguments. 

 

The price of this is a kind of sloppiness - Which I'm glad you pointed out for me. This is how I'll improve, hopefully. 

 

Like, with Hansel and Gretel. You're right that it doesn't quite work here. I think originally my point was a larger one about the Western trope of the 'Wicked Step Mother' and what it says about our culture that we keep coming back to it. 

 

Interestingly it was The Parable of The Prodigal Son mention that irked people more. People were asking me to 'promise' that I'd remove it because to their mind it didn't do what I thought it was doing. 

 

[GabrielaVD]

7 hours ago, Lu said:

All relationships require lots of communication, but intercultural relationships require even more. Discussing things really is the answer, if you ask me. What are your expectations, what are mine; what did you mean when you said X, what did I understand when you said X; what can I compromise on and what can you compromise on; etcetera. And then there will still be some unspoken expectations because you are both human, but try to get everything on the table.

This, thanks for the advice Xxx

Sounds easier than its done, but I guess all relationships require this kind of hard work, no matter how far or close you are culturally.

And, of course, it may be my limited perception to think that British people dont like discussing uncomfortable matters,  but I still have a lot to learn from my boyfriend and his family. We still manage to had a very good relationship

 

 

 

[Shelley]

9 hours ago, Zbigniew said:

I think you might find Lu was speaking tongue-in-cheek

 

I wish that had been clearer, would have saved me typing loads of stuff and annoying Lu. Sorry Lu.

[Lu]

On 8/4/2018 at 11:59 AM, Shelley said:

Sorry Lu.

Don't worry about it. I thought I was sufficiently over the top, but irony just doesn't work well over the internet.

[somethingfunny]

On 8/3/2018 at 9:08 PM, Lu said:

I think your Brit needs to get over his feelings of discomfort

 

Never!