Workplace Romance?

[Jim]

I've seen 知心大姐 for agony aunt.

[DavyJonesLocker]

3 hours ago, abcdefg said:

Hate to be the one to break it to you, but a "PRC girl" is not just one clearly-defined entity. It's not like ordering vanilla ice cream and being pretty sure what you will get. "PRC girls" come in many varieties. Different flavors, sizes, colors, states of mind. 

 

Where is this doomed drama playing out? China mainland, Singapore, or someplace else? 

 

 

 

This ^^^^

Go to Beijing or Shanghai and you will find plenty of Chinese who have had many flings, want nothing serious etc, marriage is the last thing on their mind even at the supposedly mature age of 30. 

Although society pressurises then into marriage, children etc attitudes are quickly changing here. 

All sorts of varieties of women and men here especially in the cities. 

 

Of course that is not just in terms of relationships, it's attitude to many things

[RedPianoHongqin]

Yes I understand. Anyway I’m all good. I think it’s better for me not to purse her. I don’t think I have the rights to do so anyway until I’m legally divorce. 

 

Ill just avoid contacting her again unless she initiates contact which I highly doubt she would. I won’t see her at work either since she’s in another building. We only knew each other for a month. There isn’t any strong bond between us. 

 

I know it’s a loser mindset. After thinking this through I don’t think she’ll be happy with me. I’m going to let this go even it eats into me. But man, I never expect to have such strong feelings for a girl in just a short time. She isn’t that hot either. I’m so stupid haha.

[imron]

2 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

I know it’s a loser mindset.

The loser mindset is to pine over someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, to the point where it prevents you from going out and seeking a healthy relationship.

 

It's much smarter to realise when someone isn't in to you (despite your feelings about them) and move on.  Then you can work instead on finding a relationship where your feelings are reciprocated.

[mungouk]

On the other hand why would anyone listen to a bunch of language nerds (no offence, and myself included) for relationship advice...? ?

 

 

[imron]

Some people have skills and experience in multiple fields

[DavyJonesLocker]

Apart from the sound advice of possibly misleading the girl, I'd say go for it. 

Why does everyone play it safe ,? over analyse things,. I think it's better to  live life to the full, take chances , make mistakes, have adventures . Life too dull otherwise. 

 

Only regrets I have is not taking the opportunity to  ask a woman on a date when the situation arose. 

 

But you need to identify what type of person you are. Prepared for a possible bad outcome, rejected etc. 

Wouldn't bother me at all! However  I suspect you tend to  play it safe otherwise you wouldn't be asking on here about whether to pursue a lady or not. ?

Not a criticism by any means! Just a different opinion from my fellow forum members. 

[abcdefg]

18 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

Ill just avoid contacting her again unless she initiates contact which I highly doubt she would. I won’t see her at work either since she’s in another building. We only knew each other for a month. There isn’t any strong bond between us. 

 

I know it’s a loser mindset. After thinking this through I don’t think she’ll be happy with me. I’m going to let this go even it eats into me. But man, I never expect to have such strong feelings for a girl in just a short time. She isn’t that hot either. I’m so stupid haha.

 

You get one small whiff of negative opinion from a few casual internet strangers who don't even know the whole story and then you just roll over and give up. Hmm! Seems to me you have some deep personal issues that needs to be tackled. Having the emotional maturity of a spineless six year old at the calendar age of 30 is not a recipe for success. This is not the road to happiness. Pathological insecurity is not a desirable trait. 

 

Perhaps meeting this young lady and finding yourself unable to even try to have a rewarding relationship can provide a wake-up call to examine the workings of your innermost heart; perhaps it is a chance to have a good look at your character and emotions. She may have done you a big favor. Seek out someone who can help you take a look at these issues; someone with professional training who can help you grow through this experience. Lean from your mistakes. 

 

Do your best to avoid getting stuck in a pattern of serial failures, a failed marriage followed by a failed workplace fling. Shine some light on what is really going on at a deeper level. Take a hard look into breaking the grip of repetitive self-destructive behaviors.   

 

[imron]

3 hours ago, DavyJonesLocker said:

I think it's better to  live life to the full, take chances , make mistakes, have adventures . Life too dull otherwise. 

Sure, but once you've taken your chance and made your intentions known and she's still not really that interested, then it's time to take chances and have adventures with other people.

 

You could double down and go full out to woo and pursue her and maybe she'll eventually agree, but do you really want to be in such a one sided relationship where you have to be putting in all the effort to make it work?  In my opinion it's much healthier to be in a relationship where there is mutual attraction and effort.

 

So yes, absolutely take your chances, but also know when to move on.

[Flickserve]

I guess what you guys are saying is live your life.

 

However, Singaporeans are taught to analyse risk and act in certain ways. Hard to let such habits go. Not sure if the OP comes under that umbrella either by nature or by home society influence. 

[RedPianoHongqin]

7 hours ago, Flickserve said:

I guess what you guys are saying is live your life.

 

However, Singaporeans are taught to analyse risk and act in certain ways. Hard to let such habits go. Not sure if the OP comes under that umbrella either by nature or by home society influence. 

 

Well, maybe I read too much articles on the web that if a girl rejects you means game over. Chasing is for losers etc etc. Confusion! Anyway I met a PRC guy friend today, he said always expect rejection initially because the girl needs to be sure if I'm serious or just fooling around therefore the "playing hard to get" and I need to seriously chase her. I was.... "Huh....really?" 

 

He told me to ask her out and expect a rejection so at least she knows my intention before I chase her. So i dropped her a text. (She's on a holiday trip btw)

Me: 如果是我想约你出去的话呢？- What if i'm the one who wants to ask you out?

Her: 哈哈行程很满啊[Chuckle] - My holiday trip is full. (Obviously not. The date i asked her out is the day she's back from holidays.)

Me: 没事。对不起，打扰您。[Smile] - It's ok. Sorry for bothering you.

Her: 不好意思哈 - I'm sorry about that. Ha

Me: 一个男人必须接受拒绝.  - A man has to accept rejection

Her: Hehe

 

So long story short, I asked for her wechat then rejected. Decided to move on.  3 days later she asked for mine. She seriously screamed my name out before she asked for my wechat ID . Totally freak me out and my coworker.  So i asked her out she rejected me again. Man... she seems to enjoy rejecting me. When local Singaporean girls says no means no and vice versa. Argh can't she be more straightforward instead of being so excited yet keep rejecting me.

 

9 hours ago, abcdefg said:

You get one small whiff of negative opinion from a few casual internet strangers who don't even know the whole story and then you just roll over and give up

 

To be honest I'm just totally confused and been out of the dating game for such a long time isn't helping either.  I'm hoping there are people here who have experiences with these Chinese girls and have some insights and opinions. I only have 1 PRC guy buddy, most of the workers here are 90% chinese ladies. 

 

 

[RedPianoHongqin]

I actually worked with her closely for a year. I didn’t “notice” her until only a month ago. I was being busy on my pc and she sat beside me to hand me the reports. I noticed she accidentally brushed my hand and initially she wanted to pull her hand back but left it there still touching mine for a good 5mins. I pulled back when I was done keying in the data.

 

Sometimes she would catch my attention by pulling me to a corner to report an issue. I was like “huh? What’s the big deal.” 

 

She was curious about my dept so I brought her around explaining stuff. We had a good time, making fun of each other and stuff.

 

Another incident was when I’m working on a machine, she stood awefully close to me. I felt her hips on mine. Back in my mind I was like thinking “ there’s so much space why are you standing so close?” However this time I didn’t pull back. It felt really good. 

 

2 weeks ago her dept closed down. She was transferred to another building away from mine. I only then realised how much I’m going to miss her to the point of borderline obsession. That’s where I took the courage to ask for her WeChat ID when she went to her collect her stuff from the old dept. 

 

All these happened in a span of a month. For the whole year she was so close to me yet i only noticed her a month before her dept is closing. It really sucks. I really wish I could’ve  notice her earlier . 

 

 

[vellocet]

Women will absolutely play hard to get.  They love the experience of being chased.  It's exhilarating to be desired by a desirable man.  

 

I don't get where the "she's really not interested" part is coming from, when the lady is clearly interested.  Yeah, after a while if she's not giving you anything back you call it off, but not before then.  You have to push, push, push.  The man always moves first...it's like playing the white pieces in chess.  

 

To OP: go get out and join an activity, any activity.  A hiking club, Toastmasters, whatever they've got near you.  Anything where you get to interact with real people face to face, and it's not with people from your workplace.  You've got a serious problem with thinking you're nothing, and women can smell that on you a mile off.  You need to break out of your comfort zone and do things you currently consider dangerous or likely to expose you to ridicule.  Consider this: has your risk-averse method produced good results?  If not, it's the wrong attitude. Start doing the opposite.

 

Begin taking risks, even if you fail.  Nobody really cares, anyway.  You don't rank that highly in other people's minds for them to care that much that you did something silly.  

[RedPianoHongqin]

Hi Vellocet, thanks a lot for your advice. And yes I need to get out of my shell. My failed marriage kinda affected me. I gave my all and wasn’t appreciated. Only after I decided to separate from my Wife she comes begging. I should give myself and others another chance in life . Trust me I’m slowly and gradually working on it. 

 

I really appreciate your kind words 

[Flickserve]

27 minutes ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

Me: 如果是我想约你出去的话呢？- What if i'm the one who wants to ask you out?

 

I take what I wrote back. ?

 

29 minutes ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

When local Singaporean girls says no means no and vice versa. 

 

You could also say these are the rules you play by... 

[imron]

1 hour ago, vellocet said:

You have to push, push, push.  The man always moves first...it's like playing the white pieces in chess.

The problem with this is that it leads almost directly to....

 

1 hour ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

I gave my all and wasn’t appreciated. Only after I decided to separate from my Wife she comes begging.

 

So, yes, push push push and you'll get a chance at a relationship - but is it the type of relationship you want?  A relationship where you're expected to guess what the other person is really thinking, instead of treating them based on their actual words and action?  That's just an exhausting way to live.

 

For sure take the initiative with someone you're interested in, and put your best case forward when making a move, but if they don't reciprocate then it's better to go looking for for someone who does.

 

That said....(and here's me really channeling my inner Agony Aunt)

 

Confidence is attractive, but this...

 

2 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

Me: 没事。对不起，打扰您。[Smile] - It's ok. Sorry for bothering you.

Her: 不好意思哈 - I'm sorry about that. Ha

Me: 一个男人必须接受拒绝.  - A man has to accept rejection

 

...is not confident.

 

Why is asking her out supposed to 'bother' her?  Why does a man have to accept rejection when if he plays his cards right the other person could willingly accept without any need for rejection in the first place?

 

Because reading that, she didn't reject you, you were the one who decided you were bothering her and you rejected yourself.

 

When she says something like '行程很满啊' with a smiley face next to it, it's not a rejection, so why not reply something like 时间是挤出来的 with your own grin, and then steer the conversation such that going on a date with you is the most important thing on her calendar.  If she's interested in you, then it shouldn't be too hard to do that, and there are a hundred ways that conversation could have gone before you decided to count yourself out and stop 'bothering' her.

 

2 hours ago, vellocet said:

To OP: go get out and join an activity, any activity.  A hiking club, Toastmasters, whatever they've got near you.  Anything where you get to interact with real people face to face, and it's not with people from your workplace.  You've got a serious problem with thinking you're nothing,

This I agree with.

 

2 hours ago, vellocet said:

Consider this: has your risk-averse method produced good results?  If not, it's the wrong attitude. Start doing the opposite.

The George Costanza approach.

[Flickserve]

11 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

And yes I need to get out of my shell. My failed marriage kinda affected me. I gave my all and wasn’t appreciated. Only after I decided to separate from my Wife she comes begging.

 

I can't find it now but there was an article in the guardian newspaper a few years ago about a study where husbands did everything that the wife wanted. 

 

They stopped the study as the husband's got really ill psychological. But in the interim, the wives were not happier.. 

 

The upshot is, some flexibility is required. 

[RedPianoHongqin]

1 hour ago, Flickserve said:

 

They stopped the study as the husband's got really ill psychological. But in the interim, the wives were not happier.. 

 

Yeah I’ve learn from my mistake. Anyway I’m going to stop contacting her for a few days to calm myself down. 

 

Gonna pop into her dept with a scribbled letter that I miss her in a funny way. I’m going to give her a shot and chaaaaaaase her.

[Flickserve]

Good luck to you.

 

Not sure if you need to actively 'chase' or just let things flow naturally. Each to their own. 

[RedPianoHongqin]

Just court her a little. Since she isn't outright rejecting/avoiding my advances. Just want to let her know my intentions clearly.

 

Anyway thx everyone for your advice. I sincerely appreciate it. I’ll update you guys my progress few months later.