Workplace Romance?

[studychinese]

RedPianoHongqin - Tell her you are looking for a girlfriend. Ask her to introduce you to a girl.

 

Use psychology.

[RedPianoHongqin]

Well........

 

Made a blunder and asked her out again. Initially she said see how it goes. After a while later she said she feels pressured and that she never goes out with a dude alone and prefers a group setting. (My Friend told me PRC girls always goes out in a group at first but I turn on deaf ears. My bad) She also mentioned she’s worried about her coworkers gossiping behind her back as I’m another dept supervisor and all she wants now is rest on her off days then get the job done at work without worrying about anything else and also that we should maintain a coworker relationship.

 

I told her honestly (nothing more to lose anyway) that I admit i have a crush on her and will respect her answer and that this will be the last time I will ever bother her.

 

I blew it and valuable lesson learnt for rushing and pushing her a little too fast too soon. I deleted her WeChat ID to prevent my itchy fingers to contact her. I’ll go no contact and just pray she’ll be happy always. Surprisingly it doesn’t hurt that bad because at least I tried. 

 

Anyway thanks again everyone for your valuable input. I certainly learnt a lot from you guys and my mistakes. Maybe if I leave the current company I might have a chance with her. I can totally understand where she’s coming from.

 

Just wished she didn’t have to ask for my WeChat ID then, I was in the process of moving on after she rejected me the first time. Girls....... so fickle minded. 

[DavyJonesLocker]

18 minutes ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

Made a blunder and asked her out again. Initially she said see how it goes. After a while later she said she feels pressured and that she never goes out with a dude alone and prefers a group setting. (My Friend told me PRC girls always go out in a group at first but I turn on deaf ears. My bad) 

 

 

 

Your friend really is making blanket statements about PRC girls to be honest i have never once been out with a chinese girl in a group nor have any of my friends. Usually is a lot of wechat etc before hand and I'd ignore any of these immature girls that can't make their mind up 

 

I think you probably should have casually suggested to grab a coffee for an hour initially rather than getting all formal like you did, but what's done is done. 

 

just some other observations mate, hope it doesn't offend. I really see where your coming from and your actions are exactly like my other friends that just went through (or going through) a divorce. You're out of practice and probably lacking in confidence but thats to be expected.

 

Your messages to her smacks of desperation, lack of confidence is a real turn off for a woman generally speaking. i get it though, given you have been married for a long time. 

she actually sounds quite annoying to be honest and can't make her mind up. Sorry to say. Don't be so overly nice to her, it comes across as cringy

 

Leaving the company is more desperate. in reality she's just making excuses not to date you (all she wants now is rest on her off days then get the job). 

 

As i say my post is just one dude helping another dude. You will work it out no question. Get out there and go on casual dates just to build up your confidence again

 

[RedPianoHongqin]

Thx Davy for your kind words. I believe the reason she’s behaving like that is because she’s a divorcée as well. I think she’s attracted by my looks (caught her checking me out couple of times), attracted enough for her to bluntly ask for my WeChat ID but has a lot of trust issues and low self esteem maybe because of her past hurt. 

 

Anyway ive confessed to her, tired of playing along with her indecisiveness. The ball is in her court now and I’m gonna jump back up to improve myself. If she doesn’t contact me again I’ll just leave it as it is. No point to keep pondering her next actions or behaviour.

 

[大块头]

2 hours ago, studychinese said:

Tell her you are looking for a girlfriend. Ask her to introduce you to a girl.

 

Use psychology.

 

https://xkcd.com/1027/

[imron]

10 hours ago, DavyJonesLocker said:

Your friend really is making blanket statements about PRC girls to be honest i have never once been out with a chinese girl in a group nor have any of my friends.

I agree with this.  "I only want to go out in a group" is likely just a polite way of saying no.  If she was interested in you she wouldn't mind going out with just you, if she's not interested in you she will make excuses.  It's the time-tested principle of 'actions speak louder than words'.

 

11 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

Made a blunder and asked her out again.

I fail to see how this is a blunder.  This is actually the second best outcome.  The best outcome of course is you ask her out and she gives an enthusiastic 'yes'.  The next best outcome is you ask her out and she gives a committed 'no', because now you know to spend your effort elsewhere and as you mentioned yourself "Surprisingly it doesn’t hurt that bad because at least I tried. ".

 

Note that both of the best two outcomes involved you asking her out and being clear about your intentions.  Keep that in mind for future dating.

 

The worst outcome would be you not to ask her out, but still crushing on her silently, and fueling that crush the while texting her regularly on WeChat.

 

Other bad outcomes include:

 

1) asking her out and she gives a non-committed yes, no or maybe, because that just leaves you dangling.

2) thinking you could have used a different way of asking or some sort of psychological tricks to get her to go out with you.  Yes it might work and you might get a relationship out of it, but if it's a one sided relationship full of mind games and where you need to resort to psychological manipulation to get and maintain it, is it really the sort of relationship you want?  Some people go for that, I personally wouldn't.

[Lu]

I agree with imron a lot in this thread. Including now: asking her out was not a blunder. It was an excellent choice. You just have no control over the outcome.

 

It sure sounds like you got badly hit by your divorce. I hope you have someone you can talk to about your feelings and how the whole thing affected you.

 

You mention you've been out of the dating game for a long time, so it's normal that you're rusty. Assuming you'd like to find a partner again, you will either luck into finding someone good soon, or you'll get a lot of practice dating and thus will get better at it. Considering that this was your very first attempt after a long time, you did not bad at all. And remember, you can't control the outcome, because the other person has their own things going on.

 

If you want more dating practice, you could consider online dating, and trying to go on a lot of first dates with any woman who seems alright. You don't have to find the love of your life straight away, you can try and meet more women, to see what you like and dislike in a woman and to get an idea of how you want to be on dates.

 

Good luck!

[RedPianoHongqin]

Hi All, thanks a lot again for your advice and suggestions. Really appreciate it.

 

What I learnt from this.

1) Some girls are very fickle minded and don’t know what they want. She rejected me the first time and comes back for my WeChat id instead. She rejected a date, blabbered about not mixing work and personal life. Who knows what she’s thinking next

 

2) Flirting, been touchy and friendliness doesn’t mean shit at work. 

 

3) Lack of confidence kills attraction if there were any in the first place.

4) maybe not date anyone in the same company especially someone lower rank than me whether different dept a not.

5) You can like a girl very much even when there isn’t any sexual attraction or lust. Well that’s what I feel. She has a stick figure with some weird skin condition on her neck. 

 

[imron]

Here's another lesson (and much harder to learn), don't take it personally, and don't denigrate people who reject you.  Saying something like

 

1 hour ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

She has a stick figure with some weird skin condition on her neck.

 

just comes across as petty and reflects worse on you than it does on her.

 

I guess neither of those things would have been an issue if she accepted your advances, so don't make them an issue in rejection either.

 

Likewise claiming she's fickle and doesn't know what she wants etc (maybe she does know what she wants and it's not you and the way she went about things is just her 'polite' way of turning you down).

 

I get it.  Rejection can hurt, and it sure as hell feels personal, and to counter that it can be cathartic to point out someone's flaws (either to others or in your mind) when they've rejected you because it allows you to convince yourself that maybe that person wasn't so great and you also have reasons for rejecting them.

 

That's a really negative mindset to have though (in both dating and life).

 

If you want to avoid becoming bitter and cynical, it's much better to not take it personally, wish her the best in life and chalk it up as the two of you not being compatible (because compatibility requires both parties to be interested) and move on, no harm no foul.

 

 

[RedPianoHongqin]

Yes I understand. I’m just  trying to move on. 

[RedPianoHongqin]

Hi guys, by the way thanks a lot for your wonderful advices. I’m out of the hole and back to my normal self. 

 

After this experience what I learnt greatly is that you can never generalise girls. This girl who rejected me so many times is seriously one girl you can never expect of. I’ve never contacted her ever since she rejected me asking her out. Bumped into her once and we were civil to each other.

 

I happened to pop by her department to look for my old colleagues. I was chatting with them and suddenly a girl jumped out (I mean seriously jump no kidding I dont know how to describe it in words) and realised it was her. She looked at me excitedly and suddenly jump back to the back of the wall. I didn’t approach her or even greeted her because I was shocked how stupid and hilarious she behaved. 

 

Today i had my guy coworker follow me to her dept who knows about me and this girl. I went there to check out some stuff and she was there working on the machine. She noticed me walking towards her and looked at me and back to what she was doing 3x in a row but I didn’t acknowledge her, I greeted the chick behind her instead. ROFL

 

After we left her dept me and my guy coworker laughed out loudly. She’s just so awkward and tensed around me. I was like WTF was that about. Haha I feel like she ‘s behaving like a 12yr old girl. I know she has a thing for me but playing way too hard to get. She probably has some stupid idea of romance in her head.

 

I still have her in my mind Everyday but I’m not my emo self anymore Nor obsessed with her. I’m not gonna contact her and give her anymore attention. If she wants me she needs to let me know otherwise I’ll just date and have fun with girls who dig me and not playing these childish games. 

 

Not being egostic, I’m a above average looking guy who’s a little buff (I’m a gym addict) who has girls checking me out all the time. 90% of our 1000++ headcount in my current company are girls. I’ve been asking myself a lot, why do I like her? I’m still don’t understand myself on this till today.

[Lu]

Okay I don't expect people to be totally rational when they have a crush on someone, but... you're not behaving very well, in my opinion. You ask her out, she turns you down, you say alright. So far so good. But now instead of treating her politely or friendly or like any other colleague, you make a point of ignoring her and joke about her to a colleague behind her back. That is not nice. Of course she is awkward and tense around you, you two have this potential romance sitting between you. You also act awkward around her. And she is not the only one with romantic ideas in her head: you asked her out, because you were (are) romantically interested in her.

 

Don't be a jerk to her. It's not her fault that you like her, and you shouldn't punish her for not liking you back.

 

Take care of yourself, and good luck with moving on. I hope you find someone who is a good match for you.

 

9 minutes ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

I’ve been asking myself a lot, why do I like her? I’m still don’t understand myself on this till today.

I sometimes met men I liked for reasons I didn't understand, and I would just enjoy the fact that I liked them. And if they were not conventionally hot, I would be happy to know that I am not too superficial.

[RedPianoHongqin]

Hi Lu,

 

sorry but I didn’t mean to sound like I’m bashing her and stuff or ignoring her. I’m just giving her space and utmost respect for her reasons for rejecting me. I don’t want to be a moron to her and make her think I’m still chasing her after she rejected me twice. She stated clearly she is worried of gossip in the company and it’s better to maintain coworker relationship. She’ll never hang out with a guy alone and prefers going out in a big group.

 

She was operating the machine and i thought i didn’t want to distract her by greeting her. She told me not to distract her while she was operating the machine before. I’m just been respectful. It just that my guy coworker who can’t help laughing at the way she behaved when I passed by her. I still do smile and acknowledge her if I bumped into her during meal breaks. And I can never ever imagine myself hurting her in any way. 

 

If she were to come around with her own emotions and contact me (if I’m still available) I’ll definitely won’t shut her down. But seriously she acts normal to any other guys but always acts weirdly around me even way before I started to like her. Perhaps it was her weird actions that made me notice her in the first place. 

[Shelley]

2 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

I still have her in my mind Everyday but I’m not my emo self anymore Nor obsessed with her

 

Oh yes you are, one end of the sentence does not equate to the other end. An oxymoron of a sentence.

 

You are not treating her as you would treat ordinary friends of yours  Get over her, get on with life. I would say that even if you did get together it would be a car crash of a relationship.

 

2 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

I’ve been asking myself a lot, why do I like her? I’m still don’t understand myself on this till today.

 

I would say the answer is simple, because you can't have her, you are intrigued by what you don't know and can't have. And if you are as "Buff" as you think you are, you are probably used to getting any girl you want but not this one.  Again get over it, get on with life.

 

Sorry to be so harsh and direct but you have got to stop fooling yourself,  because you are not fooling anyone else.

 

Do you mind sharing where you originally come from? (Sorry if has been mentioned before, must of missed it) I wonder if there is some sort of regional or national frames of mind going on here.

 

 

[RedPianoHongqin]

She’s the only girl that breaks my confidence, she’s my Kryptonite. 

 

And im from Singapore and yeah we can be over analytical at times and especially fear of failure.

[Shelley]

Yes that about sums it up.

 

Try to relax, try to get on with life and let things happen as they are supposed to. 

[RedPianoHongqin]

Hi guys it’s been a month of totally no contact with her. Avoided her at all cost and I thought I’ve moved on until she decides to pop back into my life by joining me and my coworkers for tea break lol. So she decided to break from her own group and decides to join the managers/supervisor group. Wow. Worst of all she waits for me to sit then snatching the seat in front of me. 

 

She is working in a different block from me and She conveniently pops up where I usually chill at work. I’ve never once acknowledged her ( I know my bad but I can’t help it, feelings pour back in hard).

 

Man.... why are some people so weird? I thought we are already done deal after she rejected me but why in my face now? This has been ongoing for 2 weeks and I’m still ignoring her lol. Well not purposely it just that I have nothing to talk to her about and I seriously want to move on.

 

[vellocet]

Look, this is flirtatious behavior.  She's trying to get you to respond.  But you don't respond. Do the black pieces move first in Chess? No. Make a move. 

 

I will give two further pieces of advice: (1) stop asking for relationship advice on a language learning forum, your situation has nothing to do with the fact she's Chinese; and (2)

 

GET. OUT. OF. WORK. AND. MEET. WOMEN. ELSEWHERE.

[NinjaTurtle]

On 9/28/2018 at 8:53 AM, RedPianoHongqin said:

I still have her in my mind Everyday but I’m not my emo self anymore Nor obsessed with her. 

 

Yes, you are. You need to stop lying to yourself. You need to start being honest to yourself about how much this is obsetting you.

 

On 9/28/2018 at 8:53 AM, RedPianoHongqin said:

I’m still don’t understand myself on this till today. 

 

This is called being “needy”. You are very needy. She is also very needy, which we can see by the way she “jumped out of the wall”. You need to start looking into what it means to be needy and what you can do about it.

 

 

 

2 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

Man.... why are some people so weird? 

 

The proper term is not “weird” but “needy”.

 

On 9/28/2018 at 9:32 AM, RedPianoHongqin said:

But seriously she acts normal to any other guys but always acts weirdly around me even way before I started to like her. 

 

  This is a perfect example of her acting needy.

 

On 9/28/2018 at 8:53 AM, RedPianoHongqin said:

I greeted the chick behind her instead. ROFL 

 

That was a very mean thing to do.  If you truly have feelings for her, you should have compassion towards her instead of being mean to her. But your being mean to her is very typical of someone who is needy.

 

On 9/28/2018 at 9:32 AM, RedPianoHongqin said:

Perhaps it was her weird actions that made me notice her in the first place.  

 

Perhaps. Or perhaps you noticed her because you were attracted to her.

 

 

On 9/28/2018 at 5:03 PM, RedPianoHongqin said:

She’s the only girl that breaks my confidence, she’s my Kryptonite.  

 

Now THAT is an example of being needy.

 

 

 

3 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

I seriously want to move on. 

 

If you were not needy, you could do that with ease.

 

3 hours ago, RedPianoHongqin said:

Worst of all she waits for me to sit then snatching the seat in front of me.  

 

I though you said “If she were to come around with her own emotions and contact me (if I’m still available) I’ll definitely won’t shut her down.” Your mixed feelings here are another example of your neediness.

You are in a big dilemma over this. If you were not needy, you could just say, “Okay, this is not working out, I will just forget about her.” But you cannot. This is being needy.

I should point out that she is in just as big a dilemma about you. Please show some compassion towards her as you struggles with here dilemma about you. Please remember she is just as needy about you as you are about her.

 

~~~

 

I am sorry to hear this is happening to you. I hope you can find some peace in all of this. The first step for you to finding peace is to deal with your neediness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[imron]

21 hours ago, vellocet said:

No. Make a move. 

He's made 2 moves before and was rebuffed both times.  I don't think a 3rd attempt is going to make much of a difference - but even if it did, OP please consider if the type of relationship you want is one where your partner is continually playing these sorts of games with you.

 

21 hours ago, vellocet said:

GET. OUT. OF. WORK. AND. MEET. WOMEN. ELSEWHERE.

This is much better advice