Chinese woman does not want to kiss

[andreas1974er]

First off all I place this question here, because I hope I will get a serious answer. If not I would go to other love or sex forums. I am interested in the cultural aspects. I could handel the issue by myselfe being with a woman from my own country.

I met a Chinese woman (Lives outside Shanghai, 36, child, divorced, owns company) a at an exhibition. We chated for several months. She invited me to Shanghai.

Where I am now. We hug a lot and spoke about our feelings. She is very open on the street for the culture here and also hugs sometimes on the street.

But when it comes to simple kisses for saying "hello" it seams as if she do not like it. The point is that the "negative" reaction is a little bit strong like something "disgusting". Sorry I do not find other words and it could be I only feel like that bacuase I am not used to that kind of reaction. I do not want to force an answer but asking here I understood that she does not has experience with that. I know that in China these kind of things are not discussed by couples. I understand that someone has less experience but the "negative" reaction is a little bit strong.

Has that something to do with the culture ??

What can I do ?

Whant to add, that the kissing is in private.

[陳德聰]

It sounds like this woman does not want to kiss you. Chinese people don’t kiss to say hello... and it doesn’t sound like you’re a couple from your description... Have you ever been romantic?

[edelweis]

4 hours ago, andreas1974er said:

What can I do ?

 

If she is disgusted by "kissing" (French kissing? cheek kissing?), whether it's a cultural or personal issue,

AND she doesn't want to discuss it,

just stop trying to kiss her.

 

If you want a relationship with her, at some point you will have to discuss with her and agree on which acts are mutually enjoyable and which are not...

She has already explained to you that she doesn't like kissing

Maybe try asking her what she does like, whether she's opposed to sex before marriage or not etc.

[Lu]

Chinese people generally don't kiss on the cheek when greeting someone, so if that is what she doesn't like: purely cultural. And you should not kiss her, because she doesn't like it. Ask her how she prefers to be greeted and see if that would work for you too.

If you are a couple and she doesn't want to French kiss, but you really want to, you need to talk about it with her. If you cannot talk about this relatively simple thing, reconsider the relationshop because there will be plenty of more complicated issues you'll need to talk about.

[SD1]

If this woman is indicating with her body language or words that she does not want to kiss you, do not kiss her or attempt to kiss her. I repeat: if this woman or any woman (or any person) is indicating with body language or words that she does not want to kiss you or does not want you to kiss her, do not do it. 

 

If you would like to kiss her, please ask this woman directly if you may kiss her. If she declines or does not clearly say yes, do not do it.

 

This is not a matter of cultural difference as it is ability to communicate clearly and most importantly:  courtesy and respect. 

[abcdefg]

Maybe it's just you she doesn't like to kiss. (I understand that you mean in private.) Or maybe it's her; perhaps she has bad teeth or bad breath. Doesn't want to offend you. 

 

Lots of Chinese women, especially someone divorced with a child from a previous marriage, prefer to avoid public displays of affection. (Such as hugs and holding hands.) Suggest being very respectful on the street. You would not want her to lose face with people she knows. She might easily feel such actions make her appear "loose" or "cheap."

 

Quote

But when it comes to simple kisses for saying "hello" it seams as if she do not like it. 

 

It is not appropriate behavior. It isn't done here. This isn't Italy or France. She's a respectable businesswoman. Maybe if you both were 16 it would be OK. 

[andreas1974er]

First thank´s to all who replied so far. I also asked in other forums and got only sh*.

 

Meanwhile I also learned (from internet ?) that not all Chinese kiss.

I refer to french kiss in privat. But only a fast one without any tongue etc. as we know it in Western cultures.

 

She seems quite modern. As I wrote even in publich she sometimes shows affection pressing here body against me.

And in private more long hugs. And she realy cares about me and does a lot for me.

 

But when it comes to the point of a kiss I am so confused. I understand when someone is not prepared or need more time but this "hard reaction of disgust" (as I persive it) is strange to me. I might have to talk but do not want to stick always with this issue and putting pressure on here.

But yes kissing is something normal and very important for me which I would like to explore with here.

[DavyJonesLocker]

I agree with @abcdefg 

I can't seem to recall seeing Chinese people kissing in public, well maybe apart from the odd treenagers, even in nightclubs it's far less of an occurrence that western ones. 

I wouldn't say they don't want to it。 It's just embarrassing and frowned upon in public. I never hug anyone in public, as I know they feel awkward about it. (Especially strangers?)

 

In fact I'd say I see more woman holding hands here in beijing that couples.  (In a non romantic way )

 

Behind closed doors it's a different story. Also there is a huge variation amongst women. Some are very traditional and some very sexually open. I've hear the word 性开放 more than a few times now. 

 

Some divorced woman just want flings as they got married early, had kids and  never had much male company.

 

If this lady doesn't want to kiss you in private , just ask her straight out why. It's childish otherwise not to talk about it, right?

 

[abcdefg]

4 hours ago, andreas1974er said:

I understand when someone is not prepared or need more time but this "hard reaction of disgust" (as I persive it) is strange to me.

 

Maybe you are misinterpreting her behavior. Sounds like you need to talk with her about it. 

[andreas1974er]

I understood from other webs that Chinese do not make French kiss (lip to lip) at home during sensual encounters.

Is that right ?

[Lu]

1 hour ago, andreas1974er said:

I understood from other webs that Chinese do not make French kiss (lip to lip) at home during sensual encounters.

Is that right?

There are over a billion Chinese, I'm sure some of them don't French kiss. But I've met quite a few who like it just as much as Westerners do.

 

Again: you need to ask her, because she has all the answers about her own preferences. There is no need to put pressure on her, just ask her about her views on kissing (and other displays of affection): what she likes, what she doesn't like. Perhaps she just doesn't like French kissing and that's it. Perhaps it reminds her of some unpleasant encounter and that's why she doesn't like it. Perhaps she likes kissing but she doesn't like your style of kissing, in which case you can see if you can change it up. But there is only one way to find out and that is by asking her.

 

Good luck!

[johnk]

Hi,

I find this thread interesting.

I come from a culture  / era where people do not casually kiss. Even now I find it strange and somewhat uncomfortable - even with someone I know and like. 

 

On my first trip to China, I was with a tour group. These were mostly people who did a lot of 'air kissing'. At one point we were leaving one place (and our tour guide) to go the the next destination. There was a leave taking session complete with kissing. The guide was seemed very uncomfortable with this. I asked her about it and she said she found it very strange and that it took her quite a while to get used to it. It was a strange thing that foreigners did. I could sympathize because I felt the same.

 

But I guess I am too old for the modern world. ?

 

 

[AaronUK]

Usually if I meet people and they are happy for all intimacy in private except kissing it is because they have another partner. Yet with clear conscience they can engage in other types of activity(gay men specifically) The other reason for why women might not want to kiss I will touch on later.

 

I have been with people who like to hug and not kiss and that still indicates they are not committed to me in a relationship. Which is indicative that people are just meeting for company rather than romance. Sometimes even just meeting to hug and hang out regularly.

 

I think you can look at texting as another way to understand your relationship from a Chinese persons perspective. do you text each other good morning and good night, to ask have you eaten lunch, dinner each day? That is when you know there is commitment in the relationship, and by my experience Chinese show they are flirting/interested/serious. A lot of texting at these points of the day every day. A lot of Europeans don’t appreciate this element of dating since they can go 3 days without talking and not consider it a problem.

 

To put it more bluntly, if this is the case.. they could feel you didn’t text for half a week and still want to kiss? I think to most chinese this is unacceptable. Maybe she is older and doesn’t require the 5 texts a day but she may still require a good morning and asking her if she has eaten lunch. You might have looked over something from her side that she doesn’t understand why you don’t do it.