how to respond to a gift from a student

[Sigmar]

English teacher here, teaching a young Chinese woman online. For the 3rd lesson she gave me a virtual walking tour of Beijing and bought me a little glass bottle (for snuff, I think), had it inscribed with my name, and posted it to me as a gift. 

 

I was rather taken aback, as most of my students (mostly European) often just disappear without a word after even months of weekly lessons. Presuming it actually gets to me intact (I live in Italy), how should I respond? My instinct, if she provides an address, is to at least send a thank you card back, and I have no problems sending her something back as a gift, but wonder if it would seem creepy, like I'm making some sexy moves from afar. On the other hand, would it be ungrateful to just say "thanks"?

[amytheorangutan]

Interesting dilemma. I’m not Chinese but an Asian of Chinese descent I’m actually guilty of doing these type of things to my English teachers back when I was young and now still do it to my Chinese teachers too ?. I of course can’t say this for everyone but when I give my teachers small gifts I never expected anything in return. However, if you are super moved by this gesture and would like to reciprocate without being weird, I would say a Thank You card and maybe a graded reader book or something related to her learning, some learning tools would be beneficial and still keeping it professional. 

[Sigmar]

Thanks! I'm being paid minimum wage, as a freelancer, so would prefer not to send anything expensive, but also feel I don't want to just grunt "yeah thanks" like a churl.

[Lu]

This is a thing for Asian people, as far as I've seen. It doesn't even occur to Europeans (at least the ones I know) to hand out small gifts to people. As for a reaction, a thank-you card is never wrong. I don't think you need to give something in return. If you do want to send something, you can go with Amy's idea of something related to her learning, or perhaps with something related to where you are. A calendar with nice photos or a souvenir thingy from your city/country, something like that. Something that isn't too personal won't be creepy.

[mungouk]

It's very common in Asia for teachers to receive gifts from students, and there's no expectation of reciprocation — indeed, why should there be, when the teacher is considered to be of so much higher status than the student?

 

Some kind of thankyou is easily enough.

 

 

[Sigmar]

Thanks for the replies!

[Demonic_Duck]

4 hours ago, mungouk said:

there's no expectation of reciprocation — indeed, why should there be, when the teacher is considered to be of so much higher status than the student?

 

I don't think it's a status thing here - usually unidirectional gift-giving goes from high status to lower status in Chinese culture. For example, hongbaos are usually given from older generations to younger generations, or from bosses to employees. This makes sense, because the older/higher status person would typically have more money.

 

But I think the rationale is different with teachers - it's not about status, it's about the fact that the teacher has taught the student something valuable. Giving gifts is a way for the student to thank the teacher for their tutelage. Think of it more like tipping someone for their service.

[abcdefg]

On 4/17/2021 at 4:31 PM, Sigmar said:

For the 3rd lesson she gave me a virtual walking tour of Beijing and bought me a little glass bottle (for snuff, I think), had it inscribed with my name, and posted it to me as a gift. 

 

I've never seen (or heard of) a snuff bottle as an item of common use in China. Maybe it's an antique. 

 

I think a thank you is enough. Otherwise you risk getting into a difficult situation in which she wonders if she should give you a gift in return for your gift, and so on until it becomes out of hand and makes both parties uncomfortable. 

[Guest realmayo]

12 hours ago, Demonic_Duck said:

usually unidirectional gift-giving goes from high status to lower status in Chinese culture

 

I suppose the key word here is "unidirectional": someone returning from a work trip abroad would, I think?, feel obliged to buy gifts for their bosses but not vice versa. However that might apply more to the public sector and arguably is not unidirectional because the person giving the gift might be hoping for future favours from the giftee, or indeed is required to thank the person who authorised/paid for the trip abroad.

 

6 hours ago, abcdefg said:

I think a thank you is enough. Otherwise you risk getting into a difficult situation in which she wonders if she should give you a gift in return for your gift, and so on until it becomes out of hand and makes both parties uncomfortable. 

 

I vaguely remember - but this might be old/inaccurate/myth - advice not to be too grateful upon receipt of a gift in China, because particularly effusive thanks might be taken to mean "instead of giving you anything in return for this later, I'll just give you all this thanks now". Did anyone else ever hear this? But I agree it doesn't really apply for the OP - I don't see the OP under any obligation whatsoever.

[Lu]

7 hours ago, abcdefg said:

I've never seen (or heard of) a snuff bottle as an item of common use in China. Maybe it's an antique.

It's a souvenir thing. You can buy them in Liulichang. The Xu Bu snuff bottles are the most well-known, I think, with inside painting. It's a cool art form.

[Demonic_Duck]

2 hours ago, realmayo said:

someone returning from a work trip abroad would, I think?, feel obliged to buy gifts for their bosses but not vice versa

 

The general rule there is also nothing to do with status, though - it's that a person returning from long trip buys gifts for people who didn't go on the trip. It's common in that case to get small gifts, especially local snacks and delicacies, for colleagues, but I think it'd be really weird to get them only for your boss and not your other coworkers.

[ZhangKaiRong]

On 4/19/2021 at 12:37 PM, Demonic_Duck said:

The general rule there is also nothing to do with status, though - it's that a person returning from long trip buys gifts for people who didn't go on the trip. It's common in that case to get small gifts, especially local snacks and delicacies, for colleagues, but I think it'd be really weird to get them only for your boss and not your other coworkers.

The good old omiyage in Japan - and agree, it would be super weird to only buy one for the bosses and ignore your direct co-workers.

[anonymoose]

On 4/19/2021 at 2:57 AM, abcdefg said:

I think a thank you is enough. Otherwise you risk getting into a difficult situation in which she wonders if she should give you a gift in return for your gift, and so on until it becomes out of hand and makes both parties uncomfortable.

 

I agree with this. Students giving their teachers gifts in China is normal with no expectation of anything tangible back.

 

On 4/18/2021 at 2:12 PM, Lu said:

As for a reaction, a thank-you card is never wrong.

 

Generally I would also agree with this, but cards aren't really a thing in China. She might find it weird that you go to all of the trouble to send a piece of paper that says "Thank you" on it, when you could have just said "thank you" online.

[amytheorangutan]

2 minutes ago, anonymoose said:

Generally I would also agree with this, but cards aren't really a thing in China. She might find it weird that you go to all of the trouble to send a piece of paper that says "Thank you" on it, when you could have just said "thank you" online.

Yes, it’s true Thank You card is not common in Asia in general but a lot of Asian people normally appreciate stationeries and paper products so I’m sure they’d not think what’s the point of writing a thank you on a paper unless if it’s just written on a white sheet. There are 5-6 floors stationery shops in Japan with entire floors dedicated to cards and papers and people (or maybe just me) go nuts in there. 

[anonymoose]

1 hour ago, amytheorangutan said:

There are 5-6 floors stationery shops in Japan with entire floors dedicated to cards and papers and people (or maybe just me) go nuts in there. 

 

True. Those shops exist in Taiwan also, but I don't recall ever seeing anything like it in mainland China.

[Lu]

11 hours ago, anonymoose said:

Generally I would also agree with this, but cards aren't really a thing in China. She might find it weird that you go to all of the trouble to send a piece of paper that says "Thank you" on it, when you could have just said "thank you" online.

Generally I in turn agree with you, but consider: this was in response to English lessons and sending a thank-you card can serve the dual purpose of thanking the student for the nice gift and teaching her that many English-speaking people like to send thank-you cards. She sent a gift, as is appropriate in her culture, and OP can send a card, as is appropriate in his. And even if this doesn't make sense to her and she finds it weird, she would still find it nice (if weird).

[alantin]

I'm used to the gift giving with Japanese people and expect it to work similarly with Chinese too.

With the Japanese one tricky thing is to make the reciprocal gift "match" the value of the original gift. If it's too cheap, it's insulting, if it's too expensive, it will create pressure to the other person to again send something back. If you want to be polite, the trick is to send something close enough (preferably a little bit cheaper) to balance out the original gift and to leave yourself owing a little to the other person. That way you'll be polite, not create a vicious cycle of gifts back and forth.

 

There are also people who say that they won't send anything back out or principal as it's not part of their culture and they find gift exchanging cumbersome. But I hear some Asian people even track the values of the gifts given and received in order to stay on top of who they owe and how much. They are very conscious of it, even if you are not.

 

Then again, because it is a thank you for your teaching, so I think the gift back can be a lot simpler. Lots of good ideas already given!