Can someone check if my grammar is correct. Thank you!

[ferny]

我在电视看了今天下午不会很冷所以我给我的女朋友打电话。我问了她要是她想跟我去公园。她告诉我她得先吃饭，再我们可以去吧。我们三点见了面。我们一起先坐了三路公共汽车坐三站下车，再走十分钟去公园。走路的时候下了雨。我们不能去了公园，得回来了。我非常不高兴，我真想了去公园。我告诉了我的女朋友对不起，我们可以看一个外国电影，怎么样？

[becky82]

HSK6-level student here.  Let me see if I can help (apologies if I've goofed).

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

我在电视看了今天下午不会很冷所以我给我的女朋友打电话。我问了她要是她想跟我去公园。

 

据电视上的天气预报，今天下午不冷，所以我给女朋友打了电话，请她和我一起去公园。

 

In my experience, 据……天气预报 = "according to the weather forecast" is the normal way to express this.  我在电视 is not correct here: it should be 我在电视上 or 我看电视时.  Also 看了 is not correct because it's missing a complement, and it should be 看到了, but even then it should be e.g. 看到了新闻说…….   The distinction is similar to "look" vs. "see".  I don't think the 会不冷 is wrong, but it's unnecessary.  In the original, there are five 我s, but Chinese grammar has a kind of "rolling subject", i.e., unless otherwise stated the subject of a clause is the subject of the previous clause.  So we utilize this to avoid repeatedly stating the subject.  Also, 女朋友 is assumed to belong to 我.  The Chinese verb 问 cannot be used as broadly as in English: normally you ask questions 问问题.  It should be 请 (like 请你吃饭, not 问你吃饭).

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

她告诉我她得先吃饭，再我们可以去吧。

 

她说她要先吃饭，再和我一起去。

 

I think 她告诉我他…… is correct, but a bit wordy.  I feel 得 (děi) is inappropriate here: (a) it feels too strong, mismatched with the suggestive 吧 at the end, (b) since the 得 occurs before 先……再……, the scope of 得 also includes going to the park.  In the second part of the sentence, the subject is still 她 (from the previous clause).  I feel the 吧 is inappropriate here because the narrator is you (not your girlfriend)

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

我们三点见了面。

 

Nice!

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

我们一起先坐了三路公共汽车坐三站下车，再走十分钟去公园。

 

I'm interpreting 三路 as a street name ("third street"); maybe it should be 三街.

 

我们一起先坐了三路公共汽车在三路下车，再走了十分钟到公园。

 

The second 坐 should be 在 ("got off at third street").  The first part has a 了 (坐了……) so it seems consistent to add it in the second part too.  It's 到 ("to arrive at") rather than 去 ("to go").

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

走路的时候下了雨。

 

走路的时候下雨了。

 

This is one of these cases where the 了 matters: 下了雨 is the completion 了, which implies the rain has completed (and the 走路的时候 implies it completed while you were walking).  You need the change-of-state 了, because it started raining while you were walking.

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

我们不能去了公园，得回来了。

 

我们不能去公园了，得回来了。

 

Same problem: we can't use the (after the verb) completion 了 here.  It's an (at the end of the clause) change-of-state 了 because you've gone from a state of 能去公园 to 不能去公园.  (More generally, using a completion 了 with 不能 like this will likely be a grammar error via contradiction.)

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

我非常不高兴，我真想了去公园。

 

我非常失望，我真想去公园。

 

I feel 非常不高兴 is correct, but 失望 conveys the emotion more precisely.  I feel like 想了 is an attempt to translate English past tense "wanted to", but in Chinese the 了 implies completion, not past tense (PS. the simplest example I've found which highlights the difference is "I didn't go to the park yesterday": 我昨天没去公园, where it's a grammar error to add a completion 了).  If we want to say something equivalent to past tense, we tend to specify the time frame, such as 那时候我真想去公园 or 当初我真想去公园.

 

On 4/18/2022 at 11:42 AM, ferny said:

我告诉了我的女朋友对不起，我们可以看一个外国电影，怎么样？

 

我向女朋友说对不起，我们可以看一个外国电影，怎么样？

 

I think what you wrote is correct, but wordy.  The measure word for 电影 is 部, but nobody cares in everyday speech.

 

This brings up another major difference between tense in English and 了 ("aspect") in Chinese.  In English, if you're writing in past tense, everything must be in past tense or it's considered a grammar error.  But in Chinese, you're not obligated to use 了, and Chinese people tend not to use 了 unless required.  If you compare the writing between a Chinese learner and a native speaker, you'll see learners tend to add 了s everywhere, whereas native Chinese speakers use very few.

 

On one occasion, I wrote a paragraph in English, and gave it to Chinese people to translate; I compared their translations to my translation.  I deliberately wrote the English so that I would naturally use something like 20 了s in my translation (with changes of states and completed verbs everywhere).  Every native Chinese translation would only have one or two 了s, and I remember one translation even had no 了s.  It's not that my translation was wrong, it's that native Chinese speakers naturally phrase things with far fewer 了s.  This experience fundamentally changed how I thought about 了.

[amytheorangutan]

Hello I’m only an intermediate learner so I can’t guarantee this is correct. I think you use too many了where there shouldn’t be any. I try to follow your original story as closely as possible but I have changed some parts to make it sound a bit more natural. I hope it’s somewhat helpful but I think there might be others more qualified than me. 

 

我在電視上看到天氣預報說今天下午不會太冷，所以我給我（的）女朋友打電話。我問她想不想跟我一起去公園。她說她想去，但出去之前她要先吃飯，所以我們約好三點在公共汽車站見面。（sorry I don't understand this part about the bus and the bus stop so I made this part up according to my guess) 我們一起上公車，到了第三站我們下車，從那邊還要走路十分鐘才能到公園。我們在走路的時候突然開始下雨了，所以我們不能去公園散步了。我非常不高興，因為我很想去公園。我向我女朋友道歉，然後再問她「我們去看一部外國電影怎麼樣？」