Did I say the wrong thing?

[abcdefg]

I sent a Chinese friend holiday greetings yesterday and she wrote back, telling me she was soon having a baby. She phrased it in a way I didn't clearly understand, joking about a "baby rabbit" coming into her life soon. We all know this is the start of "rabbit year" 兔年 and I first thought she might be planning to buy a pet rabbit. Unfortunately, I no longer have the original message, or I would post it here. 

 

I wrote back asking for clarification. "你是说你要买宠物还是要生孩子吗？“ It turned out she was due to have her first baby in about 2 weeks. I replied with congratulations. "太好了！恭喜你！“ There was no reply. 

 

What I am wondering now, after the fact, is whether I have broken a cultural taboo by offering congratulations before the baby is actually born. I'm wondering if that is believed to bring bad luck or something along those lines. Do any of you Old China Hands know? Thanks. 

 

 

[anonymoose]

Not sure, but somehow I feel that saying 太好了 is a bit odd in this situation. Probably need a native speaker to comment.

[EnergyReaper]

On 2/3/2023 at 12:04 PM, abcdefg said:

I wrote back asking for clarification. "你是说你要买宠物还是要生孩子吗？“ It turned out she was due to have her first baby in about 2 weeks. I replied with congratulations. "太好了！恭喜你！“ There was no reply. 

so the conversation is like :

you : "你是说你要买宠物还是要生孩子吗？"

she replied, "还有两周左右，我的第一个孩子将要出生."

then you replied, "太好了！恭喜你！"

right? 

I think it's okay. If she were my friend, I might replied, "恭喜你将要得到一个温柔可爱的兔宝宝！" ?

[becky82]

It sounds like she's busy having a baby and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

[alantin]

I'm with becky82 on this one.

[Guest realmayo]

On 2/3/2023 at 9:31 AM, becky82 said:

It sounds like she's busy having a baby and doesn't have time for chit-chat.

 

I suppose her waters may have broken immediately upon receiving abcdefg's congratulations. 美贺水破!

[abcdefg]

Thanks, guys and gals! I'll follow up today during "chat hours" -- 14 hours 时差 time difference. 

 

 @EnergyReaper -- If she were my friend, I might replied, "恭喜你将要得到一个温柔可爱的兔宝宝！"

 

I learned that it usually is well received when seeing one of my friends' babies for the first time to say, "他/她好白，好胖。" But adding 温柔 and 可爱 to the mix sounds like a great idea. Hope I will be able to return to China at least for a short visit before the year is out to be able to say these things in person instead of via 微信。

 

Just BTW, by the way, do you use 恭喜 and 祝贺 interchangeably, or are there subtle differences in daily use? 

 

Thanks again. 

[EnergyReaper]

On 2/4/2023 at 1:37 AM, abcdefg said:

"他/她好白，好胖。"

It depends on how the baby really look. If the baby is not that 白 or 胖, better not say it. That means you need to know your friend's criteria for 白 and 胖 about a baby, so I think it's easier to use other praising words, like 可爱, 好看, etc.

 

On 2/4/2023 at 1:37 AM, abcdefg said:

do you use 恭喜 and 祝贺 interchangeably, or are there subtle differences in daily use?

I usually use 恭喜 in conversation with my friends, and use 祝贺 when writing a card.

[becky82]

On 2/3/2023 at 11:15 PM, realmayo said:

I suppose her waters may have broken immediately upon receiving abcdefg's congratulations. 美贺水破!

 

Just to clarify, when someone is having a baby, especially their first one, their entire world changes.  They may experience radical changes to their career, housing, family relationships, medical status (physical and mental)... everything.  This is putting aside the time you spend simply researching things, shopping, being sick, and going to medical appointments.  Also 坐月子 needs preparing for.

 

With this backdrop, responding to random messages is just so insignificant.  I'm not saying she coincidentally entered labor just that minute, and she's incapable of replying.  She's just busy.

[TheBigZaboon]

As to the phrase involving "white" and "fat" to describe the baby's appearance, it's a common enough phrase in many languages in Asia. It can also be used to describe females up to and including "pretty" young women, as well as children. "Gemuk dan putih" was translated by my chuckling teachers (women, by the way) as "fat and fair" in Indonesian and Malay.  The compliment supposedly originates from the fact that the subject of the compliment doesn't have to work in the fields and comes from a wealthy family, and is therefore able to both protect her skin from the sun and enjoy an abundance of good food.

 

That being said, it's always good (and safer)  to listen to a native speaker's advice. I was once told by a young female Chinese teacher that her generation doesn't compliment others on their children, because under the one-child-per-family rules, other people's children can be looked upon as rivals for one's own child. This stunned me at first, but afterwards, others confirmed it.

 

And in today's America, neither being seen as "fat," nor being seen as "white" is considered a compliment.

 

Just my unasked for opinion...

 

TBZ

[abcdefg]

On 2/3/2023 at 10:12 PM, TheBigZaboon said:

As to the phrase involving "white" and "fat" to describe the baby's appearance, it's a common enough phrase in many languages in Asia.

Must confess to using it pretty indiscriminately quite a few times over the years of living in China. And the parents always beam and nod and take it as a compliment regardless of how the baby really looks. 

 

But, I have a lot to learn about these social niceties. I think it's actually rather important to know how best to respond to key moments in the lives of friends. Births, marriages, deaths. Each has important customs attached and they aren't always intuitive. Getting stuff like that right also makes you seem less foreign.