Relationship advice

[Sam654]

Hi

my son js been dating a Chinese girl from Beijing for over 1 yr. He is Australian and she is living in Australia while studying. She wants him to move in and live with her. This is his first girlfriend. She refuses to meet us (his parents) I think this is very strange. Is someone blue to tell me if this is normal for a Chinese girlfriend? My son says she is too shy but we are very supportive and kind and friendly and happy he has someone he loves it is just upsetting we can’t meet her. I need to understand why? 

[abcdefg]

That is not normal Chinese behavior, in my experience. It's also not normal for a Chinese girl to suggest moving in together. The initiative, on matters like that, usually comes from the guy.

[Guest realmayo]

Off the top of my head, do Chinese women these days still feel that 'meeting the parents' is a big step towards marriage? If she doesn't feel she's ready for a semi-engagement, it's a possible explanation?

[suMMit]

Regardless of ethic origin, move in with your first gf seems a bit much. I agree with realmayo, that Chinese meeting the parents can be a signalling of marriage intentions. But then so would moving in together（maybe? , but very serious either way). If it were my son (I don't have kids, but I'm old enough to have grandkids), I'd advise him to just slow down and not move in. What's the rush?

 

I might also add that while in China meeting the parents has that "heading towards engagement" aspect, well, they aren't in China. She's studying in Australia, she obviously has studied English and Western cultural norms. In Australia, US, UK, etc, we meet the parents of someone we've been dating for a year. I live in China and try to play by the cultural rules here, it works both ways. 

 

Just my two 元。

[Lu]

On 7/8/2024 at 4:27 PM, suMMit said:

Regardless of ethic origin, move in with your first gf seems a bit much.

That depends on the age of the partners, I think. There are tons of people whose first partner turned out to be the partner they wanted to stay with forever. (I know several such couples in my immediate family.) And moving in after a year of being in a relationship sounds like a very reasonable timeline to me, for people over 20 that is.

 

But yes, the fact that the girlfriend does want to move in together but doesn't want to meet her boyfriend's parents is weird. How old are son and girlfriend? What is the son's take on this, does he think it's weird? Is he otherwise doing alright? Reasonably diligent in his work/studies, meeting with his friends? Not spending unreasonable amounts of money?

 

If the son is grown up, you as parents can't really stop him, only ask questions and provide a listening ear. And make sure the son knows, really knows in his heart, that he can always come back home if he wants to and you won't judge him or be angry at him for making a choice that turned out wrong.

 

And now I suddenly wonder: is it possible that perhaps it's not the girlfriend who is shy, but the son who doesn't want his parents to meet her? Because he is afraid his parents won't approve of her for whatever reason? She's disabled in some way, or not at all conventionally attractive, or actually not a girlfriend but a boyfriend...

[Sam654]

Thanks everyone he is 24 and she is 26 they both seem fairly independent don’t live in each others pockets etc. she speaks very good English he has a good job etc. He has showed me messages where he has asked her to meet us and she just replies nope with a funny gif of her disappearing. I have also told him we would love and welcome anyone he cares about without judgement so nothing to worry about from our end. I’m not worried about him moving in with her I’m just worried about why she won’t meet us? I’d like us to be a close family, we’ve always been a close family but she doesn’t seem to understand 

[Lu]

Yeah, it sounds weird. Trying to think of strategies... Can you send her a nice postcard for some occasion (if sending postcards is a thing in Australia), just to initiate some kind of contact? Send text messages? Perhaps give your son something to give to her, such as something you baked or something small and nice from your town? If they do move in together, perhaps you can offer to help them move and naturally see her then, while carrying boxes.

 

Good that in any case your son seems to do well and you are in good contact with him.

[abcdefg]

Sounds like a good start for a mystery novel. Chapter one introduces the main characters and builds identity suspense: "Who is this girl and what is her past?"

[suMMit]

26, living in Australia, speaks excellent English, refuses to meet year long boyfriends parents - I'd not extend a free pass for being Chinese. I'd say red flag, keep eyes open. 

[Jan Finster]

Well if your son also finds it odd, the most mature thing would be for him to ask her (I noticed whenever I suggest going for barbecue with my parents, you opt out. This is totally cool, but do you mind sharing why so I can better understand you?) 

 

Also consider lowering the bar and meeting her first casually via Zoom or Skype. You could video chat with your son when she is around and she may simple walk across the scene and wave and say "hello" for starters. 

[amytheorangutan]

This seems a bit odd, moving in together and not wanting to meet the parents are two opposing signals. I agree with @Jan Finster ask your son to have a proper conversation not through message of why she doesn’t want to meet his family. This might be way way off but maybe it’s the other way around that her parents won’t allow her to date a western man and she is worried that once she meets his family then she has to introduce him to her family. Not sure what the end game here but it is mysterious and I don’t think this has anything to do with her being Chinese. Unless she has a rough childhood from my experience as an overseas born Chinese myself, generally speaking Chinese families are very close and involved and being introduced to your partner’s family is a positive thing.