She won't tell her parents

[hkkevin]

hmmm, i have to admit that they're too many negative assumption on sexual behavior among Chinese parents. Perhaps it's one of the reasons they don't like a foreign son-in-law.(sh)

[RinGo]

how old is she?

I ve been together with my boyfriend for almost 2 years(actually one and a half^^)

I cant tell my parents that I have a boyfriend but they kown I have a good relationship with this boy....

So I can understand you girlfriend~

[phatjoe]

I'm sorry to have been absent for so long but i have now caught up and am so greatful for the many responses i got.

Let me add this little update though:

last night my girl and I had a pretty long conversation about her dating other men, and not because she would want to either, but because her parents would set her up to go out on dates with other (suitable?) men that they knew. she is telling me this now because it is approaching the time when it would be acceptable for her to date since she is 20 years old now.

i told her my fears and was pretty blunt in telling her why i felt fearful, she agreed, and shared similar fears.

she posed the hypothesis of us breaking up (we've just recently celebrated being together for a year - a milestone for both of us) and we both agreed that she would be the one most likely to break it off. this makes me feel very uneasy now because it is though i am losing all control of where this relationship would go. i told her that it if did end up not working that we would go our separate ways - i would not bother with her anymore, and she told me that she would be devastated emotionally, i countered that by asking her why she would dump me - she couldn't answer me, she didn't know.

this now seems to be moving beyond a cultural issue and more of an emotional issue, for the both of us.

my plan is to give her an ultimatum: when her parents decide it is alright for her to date, she will tell them about me. i don't want her to date other men while she is still with me, because then that would essentially make me a guy on the side and that is too demeaning.

she has no plan right now regarding our relationship, no goals as to where she wants it to go, and she defiantly doesn't seem to be able to tell me when the right time to tell her parents would be, so that is why i would like offer her that solution.

[Lu]

Phatjoe, sounds like that was a good talk you & her had, and what you write about it sounds hopeful.

Only one thing I'd like to say:

she has no plan right now regarding our relationship, no goals as to where she wants it to go

She's only 20! I don't know your age (or maybe you did write it but I forgot), but at 20, and with a relationship of only one year, it's not strange that she doesn't know yet what she expects of that relationship. At least that's my opinion.

Wish you both good luck & happiness!

[phatjoe]

Lu,

Thanks for the reply. I'm almost 24, and just graduated college, she still has 3 more years of nursing school and seems to be pretty focused on that right now. I'm pretty focused on moving out on my own and becoming independent.

[tian-na!]

hey phatjoe, just wanna say i can completely relate to the situation, as i've been there before.

a couple years ago i dated a hmong girl (an ethnic group of laos, thailand and southern china whose people fled here after helping the US in vietnam). her parents did not like me at all for a long long time. after probably 5 months of having to sneak around, things started getting better. i began learning their language and communicating with them. i tried to do them favors like mow the lawn, shovel snow, etc. i also involved myself with any cultural events going on. after about 8 months things began to be fine, and i met other relatives and spent time with the family more. they ended up moving away, but the point is, you have to work hard so they see their own values in you. and a biiiig part of it is luck.

currently i'm dating a hmong girl, and have been for two years now. i can say that i got really lucky with her family. they are much more open and accepting, and i feel as though they are the family i never had (because i have no siblings). one key to being accepted by your girl's parents is to be known in their "community" or social group. this may be difficult in your sitaution. in my case, i got to know other hmong elders and adults in the community, and gained a reputation as an okay guy, for being white. i still encounter racism from some people, but that will never end anywhere you go. they key i guess is to try and fit into her parent's idea of the ideal boyfriend as much as you can. you have to know the culture very very well, and be able to have conversations with them in their language.

probably the whole reason they dont want a foreigner dating their daughter is because of what they think others will think of them. that is why gaining a reputation is important. if those people in their social community think well of you first, the pressure will be off her parents, in a way.

sorry if this post was nothing new, and majorly disorganized heh. just sharing my experience in this kinda thing.

here's a pic we took after coming back from her dad's company picnic. am i pale or what haha

[Xiaohua]

The one thing that I see on this thread that I really cannot agree with, is the fact that some people think that watching chinese movies, and cooking chinese food. Will help you to learn about their culture. I'm not chinese. But watching a chinese movie is not going to help you learn about their culture. It is fiction, just a movie. How is that going to tell you anything?! Learning the language is good, but to learn a language just to get a date is not good either.

And cooking chinese food dose not really help you to learn much about their culture. You just know what they like to eat.

The things that you really need to learn about their culture, is how they treat their elderly, how they think about their family, what their views are as far as work, and how you treat your own family. Do you have respect?! And how do you carry yourself?! These are the things that you need to know. Not things like, Oh! I watched a chinese movie today, and now I know about their culture. And don't tell me those movies were Jackie Chan movies. I think that can be a bit insulting. And that is why they seem to be unbending when it comes to foriengers dating their children. Because some foriengers just don't get it.

Sorry I'm late on this reply. And I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm telling the truth.

[simonlaing]

Dear PhatJoe,

That she was being introduced to guys and going out with them when she was back home is telling. She is only 20 and there is a chance she may have had another friend back in her hometown that she didin't want you meet if you visited.

That said I need to tell you that just because she tells her parents doesn't mean they will immediately accept you. I am living in Nanjing and have a girlfriend of close to 3 years now. She told her mother about me after about 6 months and I had dumplings during spring festival, though her father refused to eat with us. Even though the rest of the family welcomed me at Spring Festivals and Weddings the father was still non-talking polite. Only after showing that I wasn't going to leave and dedicated to my girlfriend has he now come around. We talk about sports, now and he puts food in my plate at meal times.(The mother in law even lived with us part of the week for 8 months and saw I wasn't the philandering type. So be aware.)We will get married next summer.

I had another friend who had a long term relationship with a Girl from Wuxi (A small rural town that has recently got some manufacturing) who was studying in Nanjing. When he went to visit for 2 weeks the whole family was incredibly rude and even directly offensive. I think he had to cut the visit short cause he couldn't take the anti-social behavior (though he had known they had disapproved of him before he went). They had been together 3 plus years. At one point in the relationship the family withdrew financial support for her to go to College (people don't take loans here much for college) so she had to work and depend on support from the boyfriend. In the end the family opposition and for this and other reasons they broke up.

If you are in the US though, I think it will be easier slightly as most of the advice other people will give to your girlfriend's parents is to not be racist and measure you in other terms like earning potential and loyalty the girlfriend. In my case, staying with my fiancee for such a long time and agreeing to the mother staying over in our small apartment, and a stern talking to by a visiting ABC chinese on not being racist was what helped the father come around. Also that my fiancee listens to her mother, and her mother was open minded helped.

(This stubborn oppostion was also strange becauge 4 years ago a cousin of my fiancee married a Korean Man and have been living happily).

Anyway good luck, whatever happens,

Simon Laing

P.P.S. If you girlfriend doesn't care what they think it is not the end of the world if the parents don't like you

[KIWIBOY]

The more I read all these threads about chinese parents and in particular fathers not accepting foreigners, the more sick it sounds to me. Whats the matter with a father who won't accept a guy that his daughter is in love with because he is a foreigner. I don't care what culture has to say, to me it is disgusting that a father would and does have such influences like threatening disownment because such an act would cause shame to the family. To disown a daughter and I am told that that is a real threat, because she chose a man she loves, is not love at all, it is just sick in the head. People can cover all this over and gloss it anyway he or she may chose with cultural reasons but that is BS, its just racism.

My advice to any foreign guy whose gf keeps you a secret from her parents (like my chinese gf did) is to get out of it and save yourself the despair. Why should you have to put up with the bs and to let your gf date other chinese guys while you are still seeing her is just as sick and effectively using you. I introduced my ex gf to my parents and they welcomed her into my family with open arms and gave her gifts at xmas etc yet even after 2 years I still had not been introduced to her parents, only photos - what sort of people are they - BIGOTS.

[Xiaohua]

I think that what these women should do is put their foot down. I did that. My dad told me that he dose not want me bringing anyone home who is not Black. He dose not want me liking chinese guys. And my sister feels the same way. And not only chinese, but anyone who is not black. They really think that it is disgusting. But I out my foot down and said, that I don't let color of skin lead me. And whoever I choose to marry, will be my choice. As long as they are a good person inside, that is all I care about. If they don't agree, so-be-it. So these women should put their foot down.

[ocpaul20]

I hate to say this, but there are many times when the girl you fall in love with wont be the best girl for your long term happiness - or you for hers. If she wants you as a bf, then she will meet you halfway, if she is not that bothered, then whatever you do is not going to change her mind. Halfway for chinese girls does not always mean what YOU think is halfway - they often have strange (from our point of view) ideas about relationships. I am sure she is doing the best she can at the moment. I know it is frustrating but is it worth it to you both. Think yourself lucky you are not in the forces and trying to carry on a distant relationship under those circumstances.

In the beginning, you might have been interesting to her as a westerner for a while, you might be her rebellion against her parents. Whatever, you have a long time ahead of you to be together if you both really want it, just hang loose and be happy with your friendship/love. It is difficult I know, but there is always someone "waiting in the wings" for you/her if things dont go well for you two. In China, this situation is probably worse for western/asians - at least in the USA there are fewer asians, more westerners around so the parents are getting used to hearing/seeing about mixed relationships. A lot of her reluctance to tell her parents is about what others in the family will say to the parents and how it will 'look' or affect their status perhaps.